<$BlogRSDUrl$> Gay Canadian X Party Boy

Monday, August 29, 2005

Ok of to the salon to see my stylist to fix the bits of hair that are now falling of my head....Oh man Ok the fact I grew up and or spent most summers with my Grandmother in her hair salon she owned for thirty plus years in a small British Columbia city named Merritt... Doesn't mean I can do hair colouring...Well I try but I'm so much in the public eye that the last thing I need is the peoples saying good god look at him where did he get that done..or look he has lost it...I'm known for my crazy hair doos and this one is going to be the best yet....Pink slash red side ways pho Mohawk with dark blood red around the sides and back to the neck..I should start taking pics of the does...

Ok of to spend 120 and fix my hair...Dam its expensive but worth it...

Oh and then its time to move no rush I can do it over the next few days...
And in the same building..That rocks the month...The best move ever no 200 moving scamer to bring me a few blocks...

The forecast is...Times are looking up....

What's on my playlist today/I-pod

Dirrty Slave 4 U (DJ Tom E D Remix)
Buenos Aires 2002 A!O Doo Mee
You're a Superstar [City of Love Club Mix]
The First Revelation (Astrix R
..Britney Spears - Toxic (Breakbeat Remix)
Love Me Love Me (DJ Ross Exten

Ok I'm outz

Have a great day all Much luv sent to you all.....

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Sunday, August 28, 2005

The hair is now red (very red) with pink hi lights WOW....A bit fried but hey I love it when I can't run my fingers through my hair.....

Of to the Shower and then to church to have a bath in Gay....

OUTZ

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Something is not going with the bloglinker.....The other day I noticed my links where missing they came back now some are there and others are not...I think I may stop using it for good and find another link service....Any one have an Idea other than Blogroll?

moving tomorrow should I start packing or colour my hair and go out and look at boys....Hmmmmm the later C'mon who packs but last minute?

Go out and walk after the red hair dye is done...That's my day...Feels good to say I'll go out and walk most days I feel like just staying in bed....At least the past few months....

Later

one other thing....The new place will be offline for a week...Ouch a week..That will be the longest time I've ever been offline....For years at least 5 years....The concept is disturbing to me.....I should be able to make a post or two from A internet cafe...We will see....I'm going to miss my blog big time...

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Thursday, August 25, 2005

There is a strange feeling going on in my head....That moving feeling....

five days till M day.....

I'm excited and nervous....Its not like I'm going far I still can't get my mind around how easy it was to find a place and in the same building....

I just got up now after sleeping of and on since 6pm my sleep pattern is messed up....So if I stay up till tomorrow night I will be able to go to sleep and get this in order I hope...But no it seems the more I get tired the less I'm able to sleep..Hmmm

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Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Hey all...Sorry for the down mood on the blog the past few weeks....

Its so up and down for me....I'm looking forward to moving....I really do believe it will be good to be out of where I am now...Its a nice place but not to clean....it could be, but then I would be doing all the cleaning..Not! When you have lived with room mates for 15 years and your 31 you know if you start that.. your the live in maid.....Plus I clean its hotel standards! five star..the rom-mate wipes the top of the counter with a wet paper towwel and says the bathroom is cleaned please....God why can't I meet room mates who like to clean there bodies in a clean bath room.....

So I was at the doc he says Hmm test came back good on the pancreas so where does this go from here?...I'm still in pain its getting worse and he wants to now decrease the pain meds..great, I don't understand so for the next week I'll be in more pain because some test shows I'm not showing signs of pancreatitis....well its still there and it fucking hurts like a sun of a bitch...

try having gas bad bad gas that is multiplied by a 100 it can get that bad...not so much this past few months since the operations but its there and it impedes my day makes me not want to get out a bed and there for get more depressed....Shouldn't it be my choice to be on pain meds or not...If there is pain and then I take a pill and no pain the answer seems obvious take the pill...now I have been seeing this doc every week for years now 100s of times..I'm taken 1000's of morphine pills for this pain....I'm now on 15mg twice a day from 400 plus a day a few months ago...I've really had no problem getting down to that dose...In fact I feel more alive the less I take but then there is the pain...Now If I had to choose between being addicted to morphine and the pain I would take the pills...besides I'm already addicted to them....when I realize I may not have enough of them for the day I start to panic its very bad news....I'm now on celebrex as well for the joint pain doesn't seem to be working.....

so I think I will be looking into a new doc to see about my pancreas....could I have side effects from the operations..did he do something wrong that he wouldn't tell me last time I saw him when he told me to eat more freaking fiber...oh man that pissed me off...I'm in this pain and you want me to eat more fiber..I eat lots a fiber I eat more fruit and veggies than everyone I know for crist sake...I think I've seen my room mate eat fruit 5 times or so in a year...I've lived with people who cringe at fresh food...It kills me..If I didn't fuck up my health I would be stronger than ever now....I still look like a teen for bloody sake...good for a gay man in his 30's yes but not when you try to get some one to take you serious...my own doctors secretary the other day thought I was 23...I'm like didn't you look at my file...Hmmm

Ok I'm going on a ramble here.....

So I didn't call the guy, I'm thinking after the mess I made at his house he was turned of me big time...or maybe he is waiting for me to call I don't know..I'll give it one more day...then again I was the one always calling him so....I'm thinking he is not a phone kind a guy.......

Thinking about Mexico again...friends of mine who do the big Latin Fever party down there have invited me the past few years to go there and work for with them....I think I should go this year.....I want to get away it could be good... live down there for a month or so with my friends make some cash come back when winter is over...like they do...Its perfect....the only thing is my health I'm scared to death of something going wrong down there......

I was talking with a friend who says he has a friend who is sic down there and how he wants to bring hiv meds to him.....I wish I could help but I need the ones I take....anyone out there who has extra meds let me know and lets see if we can get them to this guy he is not doing well...Its such a shame to think all I have to do is go to the drug store show a card and get 1000's worth of drugs for free to stop from dyeing and this guy only because of where he is has to die....email me if you can help I will send you in the right direction....

So its getting cold here in Toronto again it seems like summer just started and its now two shirt at night and socks weather already..Dam winter is fast here to come..or fall..there doesn't seem to be one here its warm then cold...every one here are way to funny when it comes to patios and restaurants though...it will be frosty and they are still trying to sit out side...I can't help but to giggle at them...coming from a place where summer starts in April May....to here where its June...In fact in Vancouver some patios are open all year...

Ok I'm on a roll here one last thing I'm adding links to my site every few days it seems... So take a look at them....plus link them on your site if you like them.....I can't believe how many hits I'm getting a day....its getting busy around here...close to 2300 a month...that's something I'd say...to read about my crazy life too.. couldn't figure out why but hey..Luv ya all the same no mater if you like to look at my craziness...I won't hold it against ya all...

Peace luv all that happy stuff

Night Night wow long time since I signed of with that one....

All The Best

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Tuesday, August 23, 2005

a two day post here...sorry if its hard to read but hey! that wouldn't be me if it wasn't.....

Drama drama..I say....

trouble in the hiarcy once again....the guys at the top I wish they would all just get along.....I'm thinking in every city the gay community has is group of gay businessmen who are the forces behind the night life culture......the thing is there is room for everyone to a point when you start getting power hungry or disrespectful you may find the accomplishments you have made will be told to you that they can be taken away at anytime, you see like any community there are a few who actually run everything...this I know!

I guess you pick your side wisely and move on, sometimes I wonder though me being on the out side of this all looking in trying to make it by if its something I want to be a part of, yes the money could be very good put is it worth it the power the recognition....Hmmm well money talks we will see...I'm for now being careful and observing steps are small for now till the storm clears.....

Slept for an hour or so dam aches and pains...I've not let this out yet but I've been having severe joint pain in my wrists and ankles neck and well every joint to a degree....had a few tests X-rays...ultra sound results of the old pancreas as well results due at the DOc today.....I'm thinking side affects from something I've done or am doing.....prescription or otherwise....could it be to good that I don't have side affects from the meds

Ok I am sort of seeing this guy, we got together last week I had had a few drinks and we started to have sex things went way wrong....a bit messy if you know what I mean....nuff said about that....I freaked me being the Bottom was not an every day thing yes I know what to do and if Im able and so on I guess the few martinis where my down fall that night....I stormed out a his home all embarrassed by he situation trust me it was not good......He hugged me good by asked me why I won't let him in I said I didn't want to hurt him...and that's that I haven't got a call and not called my self....the thing is I like the guy he is by far one of the most interesting men I have ever known intimately....The one thing about him is he has made me think about things I never have before and it scared the hell out a me....spiritual stuff Wicca that's what he is into....Not to sure where I go from here...Can't sleep starting to fell emotionally drained....wondering what to do if I should call or not....Did he decide I was to much after my poor show of behavior....after all he was actually pursuing me! admittedly I was eager to let him....Ok I am a mess I have only slept for an hour at a time a few times the past few days...in part to this and in part to my joint pains....stress about moving...money problems and well just plain life....

You see when I close my eyes it floods in regret ...missed opportunities..what ifs....like tonight every time I tried to sleep I thought about that night last week what I did...what I could have done and so on.....thinking did this guy cast some spell on me, after all he is seriously into the wicca....Not that I really believe in it but I tell you I've been thinking allot about it....the whole thing is strongly ingrained in me to be a none believer...but this guy has sparked my interest...something no one has ever done before....I want to know if its the man or what he represents or both...can I accept al that is him..do I have to...or is it just a thing of the past...So I will call today and set things to rest or see where they go from here...I must admit I'm really hoping he says come over see me I miss you..something like that....I was on my best behavior the past few weeks since I met him and realized I would have to draw the line on clubs and the like to keep him interested...something I would give up in minute for the right guy trust me...oh in a second.......

Ok missed my doc appointment yesterday.....not the first time I've done that.....I so need a new phone with an day timer built in....

have the worst time with doc appointment....going to find out if I have arthritis My pancreas has more cysts on it...and tell my doc I'm a mess can't sleep, emotions are all over the map....maybe try anti-depressants again? big maybe

Not to mention some guy jumped of my building yesterday...I saw a big fight lots a yelling....about 5am sunday night.....My roommate tells me she saw a dead body yesterday morning by the building the cops where here last night to talk....I declined to get involved....JUSt a few weeks ago I was an half hour away from being in the middle of a triple shooting next door to the guys home who I'm dating or not the one I talked about above...two where murdered just after I walked home from his house a bullet hit his neighbors home.....there was a shooting next to a building that several friends of mine live in (a murder) last week.....walked by the scene on my way to the ultrasound......My friend who died lived in the building next to the shooting....What a month in my hood I tell ya...I feel like leaving for few week...

lets see what happens after I move.....my rent is 125 less so that's good.....same building....you can't beat that in the mega city....Toronto or should I say the shooting city....the cops are going crazy everyone is talking about this......the things is the guns are coming up from the USA they say.....what can you do...its sad to see so many mothers on tv crying about there loved ones.....they are all black guys to...killing each other...they all seem to be from the Caribbean to....not sure why that is its sad...I hope they figure it out...and wish they would stop coming into my hood and killing each other........If you must shoot each other do it the subburbs and stay out a my gaybourhood....thank You very much....

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Saturday, August 20, 2005

What is on my I-Pod today

O'Rox Disko(Drums)Peter Presta & Little Carlos,
The First Revelation (Astrix R Alien Project ,

among many others look for them I like them you should to!

THE 4400

Have you seen this show? I freaking luv it...I have not seen a show since the X files that made me tingle all over when I watch it....The concept is brilliant totally appeals to my generation, the computer geek in us all the Sci Fi fan has to check this out......Look up this site to find the first season and the the this years...Rest assured my PC is busy the pipe is bludgeoning with bits as I eagerly await the flood of data to besiege my PC so I can watch ever episode when I get home late tonight.....

What else do I watch lots of Sargate SG1 and who wouldn't love Stargate Atlantis.....

Ok I'm a sci fi techno geek and I'm proud of it...I just don't get it when someone says to me " I don't get that kind a show" or "it's silly" C'mon people this is an accumulation of so many minds the concepts are out there the reality of it is hard to believe time travel but if you open you mind you may see that it's not so out of this world....Who knows where we will be in 200 years look how far we have come this past 100 years really look I know you here this but think think hard about it...Ah now you see the possibilities seem endless....It gives me hope that there will be big medical break threw to........

was in the hospital the past few days to try to get my pancreas healthy..Its sort a like detox in a way...They starve me it heals I Leave....I know it's a big thing but when you have been there for months over the past few years it's not a big deal U get used to it....If I had to pay for it that would be different I would be dead by now for sure....Thank goodness for public health care...I'm truly blessed to be Canadian.... Or am I just started to think what if I was more accountable for my actions, what is I didn't have the ability to just go to the hospital anytime I wanted and get any drug I needed for me without worrying about money? Hmmm it seems cruel but it does seem to be a valid observation....

Life is what you make it to bad we all don't know how to make it!....The fucked thing is I do, the other fucked thing is I just like to have fun way to much for my owne good.......so you see I'm fucked no matter what I do or am I...ah I just don't know anymore..........hey at least I'm being true to my self... Baby whats your pleasure, lets get it started....lets go...I'm down for what ever....as long as your mine tinight...<-a song I was just listening to... And if you're reading this and you know me please stop or at least tell me you are...I have a few friends who read this and do tell me they do......Its only fare that if you are looking in on me I should know so you at least don't find a nasty comment about you on here! Cuz trust me the bitch in me is starting to feel like her nasty head is about to come back after several years in retirement...... Too many have made too much of my back and I'm tired of it!......Look for me to be running the show or at least trying to.......

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Absolute reality...

I think there for I am...

Do you ever get curious about this....

What if there is more to what you believe to be true and the only step to find it is to open you mind....

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Monday, August 15, 2005

I'm sad a friend of mine just died a week ago...One of my good friends boyfriends was found dead on his sofa when he came home.....My friend left the city to go to the funeral and now is in rehab from what I understand, another friend is dyeing of HIV...Another friend died last year...And several guys I see every now and then have died...It makes me think where have so many gone I don't see anymore that I used to see all the time....This particular guy that passed away this week I saw al the time infact we where always flirting I had an eye for him would have dated him if things had worked out in the right way....

Oh boy I have not faced this before so its hard to deal with, I have known that this would be an eventual thing seen as so many people I know are poz....Its serious there are so many guys in Toronto who are poz in fact I found out three friends of mine are now the past year and the list keeps growing.....

My thoughts are with them and everyone who is affected by this, we will beat it one day...I wonder why this is gettingt to this point I thought we learned from he past, I'm sure this is happening in every big city in the World the next generation is going through the same thing now that happened in the 80's how sad....

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New site Blog I found in the past week I like

Shades of Gray

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Ahhh

Today I look forward to getting probed once again....

But today its a fun kind or at least not so intrusive to me....Ultrasound of the pancreas.....

its strange last time I started to get hard when she squirted all the gel on my belly and rubbed it around with the machine...

it freaked me out, total not something I would admit to a women..It was totally primal the rubbing was arousing....

strange I know...

I'm outz

Hugz

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Sunday, August 14, 2005

Well after a very tumultuous last few months Yes people months....

I have been just down, and it took a big nasty hit to the bottom to wake me up again...Its funny I feel good today except for my sore neck I'm back to the long days of summer spreading the love or the word of the party as I like to say in not so many words......Busy as can be long days I tell you all!

It feels good to be doing something and I need to be out there the people must be seen to further my image as a mover and shaker in a good way not all tired and sick looking, ....Thank goodness for Mac studio fix and my sun tanning shop hey 90$ unlimited tanning can't beat that....

So I may have found a place with a women again go figure? She is cool though younger and I can relate more to that, I'd say she is mid twenties way closer than where I am now with a women who is late forties and reminds me of my grandmother....So we will see plus its in the building can't go wrong there......How perfect is that move a few floor down, so close and convenient...Lets hope its not a bad move considering it is to good to be true..Plus 125 cheaper...I had a good idea I was paying to much here...Hmmm owe well at least someone got to eat good food after the rent was paid....Hint to others ask the room mate to see a rent receipt before you move
in.....

What I'm listening today....

A friend of mine a DJ...Or up and coming DJ....I have several DJ friends this one just got his first gig in the Village here in Toronto...Not sure what his name is yet will let you know....Its trance heavy trance that I know....

Hmmmm you see that box at the top of my site with adds...Well it seems that I was asked to agree to new terms a few weeks ago when I logged on to the site,,,it seems the money I was making is now only going to be paid if I hit 100 a month...Well since I had about 2$ last month it seems my dreams of being an internet dot com business man are dashed at least in this way....I never really thought it would pay out or at least not for a few years....But hey its not about that here,,,really it isn't some blogs are designed for money making...Do it if you must but it makes me think how much of the content is real and if that is a good thing to be doing I think not....

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Thursday, August 11, 2005

My last post I deleted shame on me for resorting to what I had asked....

this post was from a few days ago I was going to hold it back but why stop now....My feeling as they are raw and unscripted take me for who I am or not this is me 100% feeling thought ideas emotions everything....

Do you ever think what would make you happy? I do sometimes, the thing that makes me cry is that I don't enough not far enough....I don't cry enough..I don't laugh enough...I don't tell my friends how much I love them enough....I don't do so many things I should...

Dam its shocking to someone like me when You start to ask your self will I ever be able to do these things...what will it take to make me happy and truely live my life the way I want to....when will it be just another day, I come home I kiss someone I love...have a normal life...then I think what is normal...this life should be this way...I must deserve all this...there is fate or destiny..I don't think so I often wonder...in fact I think the reason why I don't have what I want is because so often I don't think there is any reason or that I don't deserve to be happy...I shut people out, I let peole drift out of my life, I do everything I can to make those around me want to not be around me...

It all comes down to letting those around in I'm thinking being myself....I haven't been that way for years in fact it all started when I came out....this crazy life, I think back about what I was doing then that made me happy....#1 I had good friends who I talked to every day...#2 I had a man in my life I loved 100% with every fiber of my being....#3 I was in university....#4 I was happy.....

For the past several years since I found out I was poz I have really not thought I could ever get any of that back....I want it so bad it burns! Its killing me....just to be happy with life and where things are going...I think its money well this past few months or year that has been very plentyfull....sex nope....friends I have pushed them all away .....So a man a lover a boyfrind....go back to school...What will it take...

then by chance I'm out one night I meet this guy we have only been around each other for a relatively short time....I can say I like him....the thing he has done for me that I am stunned by has reminded me that maybee just mabee someone could see through the walls I put up a bit or at least want to try and get to know me...look past the poz thing....Its so hard to ever feel that I will ever have something to offer someone...the thing is I really think is that I just couldn't bare letting people in knowing that I have to face so much there are definate
strugles and ends that are clearly defined in my future, some say be more pestimiostic, there will be a cure, I know my body I feel things, I'm strong but I wonder will I make it till then and truely if that day will come...

I have the worst time dealing with myself let alone anyone else....really how could I let someone in knowing that I'm only going to hurt them in the long run....pain is something I've spent my entire life running from and trying to escape....

Should I live this way...the realist in me says let others decide what they want, let them decide to take risks...the thing is I truely really feel that when I meet someone fall in love with them that I could never truely let go, I could never risk hurting someone the way I have been with hiv...its not easy and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy....

Dam men I think I avoid them because letting them and feeling are to interrelated, I just don't want to feel its simple....I just don't want to be hurt..I do that enough to myself.....

I know reading this you may think well he is awefull what a glumey pesismistic guy...well there are other sides to this I don't share them here that much but I'll try now....

another side say yes let someone in take a risk be happy....do it why not you survived other let downs....you can't get there unless you take a risk this could be a risk worth takeing....I have lots to offer, just waiting for someone to notice...well you see I'm trying, any of ya all remember 1st year in brain study 101 right a list of all the good things and the bad things you think about your self....well as per I fit the mold my bad list is long...but hey I tried I'm trying I'm fighting I'm a surviver....and cute to so I we will see....You know I had to put that bit in in the end just to keep in line with my critics in bloging land....

I'm outz

feeling hyper emotional and very vulnerable, but with a gleam in my eye I'm seeing something bright in the future the sun could be comeing up on this soul again to warm it up after a long long cold spell....

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Wednesday, August 10, 2005

I like this guy.....how we have all been there.....

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Rick Mercer's Blog

A blog I think you could only find a Canadian would do....

I find this blog fascinating....Check it out!

Jason Kenney
: Marxist Leninist.

particularly this post is way to funny...Oh the way we are....

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Tuesday, August 09, 2005

Sometimes I get very curious who reads this?

I'm up to 82 a day sometimes more....

246 posts wow!!!!!! Here at the not so X party boy the past few months....Did I say that well its nothing like I used to be so X could still apply but not as firmly I'd say....The hard core meth and the like days are long past me My old Vancouver days....I'm often curious how many of the guys I used to hang with are still alive I tell you after my months in Hospital I bet many of them are long gone....Its funny well not funny but this all makes me think about the guy I moved to Toronto with....He like I've said here before moved to Montreal days after we go here back in 99, I saw him of and on as he moved here a few years ago...Remember the one I'm sure made me poz....He had a terrible car wreck when he left me here on the streets of Toronto on his way to Montreal, it was so sad to see him with a Cain hobbling down the street....I haven't seen him for months I think he must have gone back to Montreal or is dead who know...It was something when I realized he was poz way back then and lied to me about it to see him here at the local Aids committee...Not that I believe in street justice or anything like that but its hard when you are dealt a blow like he gave me....In fact I have been on the other side like I said I gave my ex of three year hiv...Don't want to go there ever again.....Safe but I tell you all so many guys don't seem to care or want to get it..Make me poz is something I've heard way to many times....I'm thinking about starting a 30 something support group for poz guys...I've met so many the past few months are have several friends who have reached out to me because I'm more open about it than they are they feel safe talking to me..I met this guy a few weeks ago who was in so much need to talk about it it was painful for him to let it out..I was there for him He let it all out and it was good, so many guys are scared to tell there friends and or family and don't want to be seen at the local help charities...SO we need dome kind of anonymous group that can meet every once in a while and talk about are feeling are anger especially to let that out so it doesn't consume us and lead top destructive behavior..So many guys I find including my self just give up on life when they find out and get deeper in there destructive ways....I'm going to go to ACT and talk to them about this Idea I know every one who works there that I need to know seen as I help them out lots....We will see..Any input would be very welcome on here...

Vancouver is in my thoughts lots the past few weeks since my long lost bud Ross from Van called me and emailed me...I tried calling him tonight we are going to talk soon I can feel it....Hugz to you for reaching out to me it mean lots Ross....

I bet it would take days to read them all....I wonder how many have read them all....I bet it would be interesting to meet people who have been reading about me for a long time...I wonder if any of them would be good dating material...Or boyfriends...Not that I'm looking now or really ever was but I'm curious about that blogger gay love could it happen I'm sure it has..Any stories about that send them my way?

My bloglinker is down but should be back up soon Don't worry all my linky love blog friends I'll switch them soon if they don't get it up and running soon....

We do have a good ring going here there are 20 or so blogs that I get hits from every day and vice versa....The gay X blog ring...Some are blogs that where inspired by me and blogs that inspired me two plus years ago now....

I am in awe at the numbers 600+ a week and growing....Sometimes I wonder why so many are doing a google for X party or X gay and the like are they looking for my site...It make sense I don't know....

Anyway all said and done I don't regret this blog one bit...Although I have a feeling one day I may but it will have been worth it regardless.....

So the guy I've been seeing the past week is going...I was drinking a bit too much just trying to deal with the stress of moving and meeting him...He really seem to be into me and not giving up like the past few had fast when they started to know the real me...My health issues and crazy life are hard to bring into any relationship including friends whom I've been very much ignoring...I am making a point to try to see them more and more my friends I need them they bring balance to my life and remind me I'm not alone....As much as I feel usually...

Go figure the week I meet a man whom I am very into I get five count them big huge pimples two on my right cheek and three on my upper left neck plus a few on the back of my neck...Stress and not washing well when you sleep for days it's not a good thing for pimples I guess...I'm over it and now on the move mode. I've been in countless times over my life including as a kid dozens of times with my mother and then foster homes..Nothing I'm not used to it just hits hard at this age not again I think...Please but hey so is life and this move is going to be a good one....I can feel it.....

You know one thing this blog has done is made me or giving me an almost ability to type its crazy I used to be the one finger kind of typist now I can use two hands I still have to look at the key board but its wild I never ever thought I would be able to type now I can...A blog side affect that I'm happy about ....

I'm outz

peace and love...

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Friday, August 05, 2005

It's funny just when things are going terribly wrong I meet this great guy Wednesday night.....HE is super sexy lives in a beautiful home....askes me home...we have a hot night....he is cool with me being poz...says he want to see me again...looking for a boyfriend and thinks I'm hot sexy....boyfriend material!!! at least from what he sees so far.....It was strange it was like he knows things about me? Said he is psychic? Hmm I wonder sometimes if I have or will ever meet someone who has been reading my blog.....We talked, It just so happens that he is looking for a roommate...has a huge home with several rooms that he rents out....So strange how things fall into place...I had an option to move in with a guy I know but he is trouble into drugs too much and hangs at the local hustler bar....At first when I was stressed and after a few cocktails at friends the day I found out I had to move I got desperate and started calling everyone I know....he offered his place, I said yes in a drunken state but now after thinking I cannot he wants me to pay his rent this month and in exchange have a place, could move in any time but no....he is to young and I just can't risk my future on a chance it could work I need certainties...liveing with a boy who can't even pay his subsidized rent of 250 I think would be a big mistake....

On a bright note the guy I met is french sexy accent super hot....his place looks like something out a magazine, I would say Victorian super clean and just a dream home I am so going to look into this....Not sure if I want to be a live in boyfriend...I got the feeling he was looking for that....Don't know I do like him lets see what happens I'm thinking.....

So remember my friend I talked about in a post back in may? Ross, I had asked in the post if he ever reads this to e mail me well he did....It was a very special and heart warming to here from him, We where like brother back in the early years when I was fresh out a the closet....I really hope we keep in contact and get to see each other again soon.....

I have another friend of mine who lives in Vancouver who I don't here from enough, I hope he is ok last I talked to him he was staying with his mother, and not happy...I miss him so much...He lived here we where very close he went back to Vancouver.....B if you read this call me I miss you a bunch and worry about you....

this is a post from a few days ago I'm home lost was just at his place

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Tuesday, August 02, 2005

See I told you all...

Got up today found a check from my room mate....

Last months rent....

Time to move...


Any way living with a women has been not easy the small sutilties and differing emotions are hard to put together at times....I admit I've been hard to live with ....But Its like I never can bring a guy home the thought of her on the other side of the wall just ruined it....Very thin walls so I was sure to have someone listening....One year I've had four guys over...Twice during the day when she was not home....Hence my many trips to the baths...Could save a fortune if they where out a the picture its 20$ Been at least 10+ times the past few months.

....Oh boy a part of me is happy to move but there is that big part that comes with it looking....I have to look being the problem....I hate moving done it so many times I can't remember how many..There is the stress of not finding a place....Its happened before to me....Homeless is not fun...I'm sure I'll find something...I told the roommate I'm stressed depressed, thought she understood..Nope A friend not, expected some understanding...Not!

You know I don't talk about this much but my father owns a farm in British Columbia....Interior very small place a village in fact....I lived with him for three months when I was 16 or so....Some times I think I want to go there and stay with him I know I could....But I think I would die of boredom....I do Know that When I do get really sick...I may go there to finish my journey....It makes sense begins ending....

Fuck I'm so pissed, when it fucks up it goes in torrents for me....Work issues are screwed now....I'm in debt to many over pride....And now I loose my apartment...I don't think I can take much more of this, as is I can't get out a bed....Now I have to move I think Its about my time soon I really don't know If things keep going like this I don't know how much more I can take....Its all relative and much of it my fault or wrong doing but when when will I learn this life's lessons.....

A good friend of mine is in Vancouver now visiting, wish I could be there I miss it so much...Toronto is just a bore to me now....I have nothing here, a few friends but no one who really knows me.....I think some out here in Blog land know me more than anyone I see on a daily basis.....

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