Monday, February 28, 2005
go to this link
Made In Brazil
it tells you a bit about it in English plus what the site is about and some pics. Hot!
As far as logging in I used My city Toronto and just picked at random for the state the rest seemed easy enough to know the forms all are standard around the world just click and if you have Auto complete on it should fill in for you!
I used Babel Fish Translation to talk with them in the chat it was fun They talk back to you but in portuguese so its hard to communicate but hey a man is sexy any language he is speaking when he is nude and playing with his dick! Opps I didn't say that! What is going on here I'm all sex deprived I need to get out more!
Speaking of my poor English and grammar skills as far as you all can see here its funny I was asked to interview a local gay punk band here for a big gay mag in LA who I happen to know the publisher of! He emailed me asked me if I could do it! I said yes I still plan on it I got everything I need the voice recorder and the band cd! Its funny I run into the singer from he band at my doctors office lots! Plus he bartends at a bar I go to sometimes plus he also goes to a queer alternative punk rock monthly party I like to go to that I've missed the last year or more!
So when I was asked to do the interview for the magazine that is available internationally! I said yes but my health got in the way! I'm feeling ok now but still not 100% I'm very worried that the pain is not gone my home nurse said today its not uncommon that operations don't work! Not something I wanted to here! We will see!
In the mean time my life goes on, I am going crazy house stir crazy! Cabin fever its called! I need to get out so I'm going on with life the wounds are healed up from the operation 70% or so!, so its time to get out and live again! Its funny after so much rest I find my self getting winded fast tired easy. I guess it takes time to heal! Longer because I'm poz I'm thinking! SO Me an international published author well in paper print form in a gay mag cool I'm, thinking! Yes if I try hard I can actually do this the way it should be done! I don't try here because like I said before this is just my thoughts unscripted and unedited So Its left that way! If I had to put this down in a professional manner it would look way different! I'm to busy with things to care about that if my point is made My thoughts down that's all I care about!
So its cold here the snow is not gone yet I find I'm very much wanting winter to end fast! Its going to be hot this summer! I just can't get used to having to ware a vest a jacket a scarf gloves two pairs of socks long underwear a hat ear muffs! two shirts underwear sometimes three shirts I know you all in the warm places must be shocked and that's not all I have to get ready every time I go out its just bothersome! One last thing I always seem to spell the same words wrong every time I post! You think after hundreds of posts I would know how to spell sure but no I have to spell check and its wrong every time!
Hey what about the hot Brazil boys Num sexy I jerked of four times today couldn't believe it! Hey that's about the total for the last two months so it was a busy night for me and the hand! Oh I need a man! I just noticed remember the blogger who commented on his blog about my use of the ! Mark well for some reason I'm back to doing it more and more! Oh there I go again, I'm thinking its a period displacement issue in my subconscious that keeps me from using the period I am scared to use it for a reason that baffles me I am going to get some therapy asap! I hope I don't pass this on to anyone I would hate for this to become an epidemic in the literary world! LOL but serious you didn't think I was did you? I know lame!
Ouch hot hot, lets just say I need a shower now!
Oh where is my towel!
Hot boys jerking of and its free live reality TV I never seen the likes of
It looks like there is a schedule I must of just seen the end of a duo show Numy boys Hmmm I wonder how long I will be able to watch! Check it out its hot!
Sunday, February 27, 2005
A Soldiers Girl!
its a Bittorrent file so you will need to have a client I recomend Bitlord!
Do you want a good look into Canada! Why not look at are notional tv!
CTV one of my fave shows is called W5 a news documentry style!
there as a gay boy! I was not into the bar at that time At least this kind it was a E bar among other things that is now torn down! It was a good party I here and was packed I would have loved it Im sure 7 years ago when I was a dance club E bunny! Any Hoo
The second time you find me is in a third club scene?Me thinks as there walking in the bar you see me standing in the stair well with my hair now red as red can be! All spiked!
After seeing the film it makes my previous post seem boring I admit my life isn't that bad I could make it easier but hec why do that it would be boring then and I could never do boring! I love the film I could never relate to not wanting to be a boy the feeling of being trapped in a body that you don't want or feel is not yours would be horrible and then to have to try and get the operations/sex change It would be a hard thing that makes my problems seem not that bad! I know its not a bad thing to be a tranny! I have a few friends who are infact I had an acquaintance in Vancouver at a Club I used to work at there that I had known as a guy I didn't know for a few years that he was a she! Its all good the emotion is strong and I sympathies it would be hard! Not wrong to be your self the road would be hard I don't think I would want to travel it but if I ever meet someone who needed me to be there I will support them with what ever they want! I love indiscriminately!
I'm crying like a big baby now I love this film I'm honored to be in it. It has a strong message in it! If you haven't seen it and you can't find it anywhere in your local city like I couldn't its only available on line if you have A credit card that I don't so download it the other way via bittorrent! Any savy computer geek will know how to and where to find it! Hec I should post the link I'll find it later I have to go and smoke a cigy! Yes I smoke! Hey did you think I could lead a life like I have and not be a smoker! C'mon I'm trailer trash when I wana be Not! Its just about a dyeing habit a pack last we more than a week! Hey a man can only give up so many vices at a time give me a break! Not! I should delete this last few bits now you all are going to know to much about me! Joke get it!
Sad be warned but hey this blog is for me to work out my life my Feelings!
I'm still in pain I'm feeling let down after all this past few weeks what now what is next! I'm afraid the operation didn't work! What now where do I go from here! I'm confused! My life is on the table here, I'm very irritated now! I continue as I always do! Love Macy Gray, I'm listening to her now! Some of the lyrics are coming through here! Sorry!
I'm feeling lonely! I try to hide it I feel like a prisoner I may seem alright but my smiles are often a front! I keep my cool...Oh boy I need to stop listening to sad songs! I try to walk away butt I stumble! Here is my confession! I need your touch! I play it off! I'm dreaming! I try to say good by! My old life the new life its a battle inside I'm winning but its hard when you don't see the end anytime soon!
And then there is my non existing love life!
There is one man I think I fell for a few months ago! I have known him for a few years now! In fact he was someone I lusted after for three plus years. I was with the Ex I have talked about before when I first talked to him...Anyway I found out he is poz as well, I find him sexy we work well together he is smart...We have lots in common.... we sorta dated at one time it was nice, he asked me over one night I brought over a bottle of wine, we drank and then had some wild crazy passionate sex! not the first time but this time was not like other times.
I feel a connection with him, he confided in me he is poz said he feels it is not possible to have a relationship without other poz guys....I'm thinking this would be much easier and I agree, at the same time I think why...But I think it is my fate, after all it is easier but I don't want to limit the possibilities..Oh the crazyness of life sometimes...
You see I know he is tired of the club life and is disenchanted with it, he strives to get away I know he is in the bar scene still in fact for the first time not as a performer and now bar staff some where I've been many times...I don't think I would work in bars again...Helping out some times for a fund raiser or promotion its out of the bar and away from the drugs and alcohol!..I know he wants to get away from the party, we have partied many times together, the last time I was over it was just me and some wine and him no drugs It was good last summer, I was happy I think he was to. we realized we could be together with out being all blitzed.... I feel for him, I think he knows... I look at him so every time I see him, I saw him the other day at work I said hi and all my feeling flooded back...I don't know what he thinks of me, I've been with a few of his friend and vice versa its strange, I remember he told me one night when we first kissed very deep and passionately we could be good together I feel it! I saw him for years leaving my building after visiting a mutual friend he would say Hey I say what you doing going to the baths...errr I was fuck if only I was single...The thing is I made a sorta date or said I would call didn't he called one night at 3am or something.... Sexy eyes love the way he carries him self he has no idea he is sexy, I tell him he says I'm fat, he isn't it wouldn't matter to me! I want to call him I should I wish I could figure out where he is with me! I want to ask him what he thinks of me, You see I've never been with out drink before with a man he was one of the first guys I connected with with out drinking for a long time! One who was brave enough to call me.... I don't know I'll go and talk to him ask him when his next day is off! Hey what you doing, I see something in his eyes when he looks at me I want to know what it means is it that he feels the same way, you see he is more mature with guys than me! I'm not shy to admit I'm emotionally stunted when it comes to expressing my feeling! Its hard the fear of rejection is over powering at times I feel so held back! I like him! I think I should find out what he feels, DO I have a possibility, am I just a fuck buddy, the way things have gone before its hard to say, why did he tell me he thinks he wants to only date poz guys was that a hint...Why couldn't it be easier....You know for being out for seven years it should not so complicated I should be comfortable with my sexuality..
Saturday, February 26, 2005
Ok gota get ready My friend is going to be mad Ok Music, I just want to get back to me The man I USED TO BE! Some how this song is fitting what I've been going through as of late is kind of a healing process to get back TO THE MAN I USED TO BE! SORRY I SEEM TO ALWAYS HIT THE CAPS KEY ITS REALLY ANNOYING! I'm not trying to yell!
Well it was a good friends of mines 35 birthday! I went out for the first time after the surgery! Went for dinner on the strip (church street) Wanted somewhere different rather than the norm Zeldas A local hip restaurant where everyone goes to be seen ect. Not for the food! Seen as I was not in the mood and the patio is closed the only reason I like going there we decided to go to a new place I went on my Birthday! Called the Church Mouse Firkin or something like that Old style pub lots of wood and red It was nice I only had a Pepsi would have preferred Coke but hey! My best bud who works for Fashion Television at Chum here in Toronto decided to go to Montreal for his Birthday! I'm like hey what about me! Then I started thinking I couldn't go I'm only post op 2 weeks..Plus they would be party party and its just not for me! After dinner I went out to a few clubs Boring Not into it any more so I went home at 12 was in Bed for one! So I'm looking forward to a busy summer! What do you all think about the Bel Ami Boys! or porn movies! I'm thinking about trying to bring them to Toronto? Would you all cum to meet them? Lucas for example! Nummm sexy boys!
I was going through all my old boxes of stuff and found my pics of when I flew to LA last year I still can't believe I won a trip to the World premier of the Matrix 3 was at the Walt Disney Concert hall!!! Hob knobed with all the stars at the pre and after party! Man was I depressed when we got back...To see how they live is out rages the party had every food you could want and more! Everything was top of the line! I'm thinking about two trips this year! LA and NYC again! I was at both last summer and really want to go again! I'm thinking about NYC this summer! My bud the one who I took to LA with me the above mentioned Birthday boy said he would go with me to NYC! Last time I was there for a week, was there with some dear friends drove there Great trip love the mountains the trees it was fall the leaves where every shade of red and yellow gorgeous country! I would fly this time! I was with some friends on Business.....We went to a bunch of clubs...I like that but this trip I want to do all the touristy things! You know see Lady Liberty Coney Island everything, Any one want to give me a tour! Would love to meet any one who it up for it!
Big news to come up! I landed my self a sweet promo deal! Plus I'm going to try and redo my Blog back to its last template! Take a look at my new links I added a few, I'm open to any links you can infact add your own link here by yourself just click on add your link!
Night Night hey long time since I said that! I must be back in fine shape!
Thursday, February 24, 2005
You know its funny how most of the states that are blue are near the north and south from Washington state! The places where It would seem most of the big cities the ones that are dominant in American culture at least the TV version I see every day, and I love hey I couldn't imagine a day with out my Enterprise Stargate and stargate Atlantis I may add that is filmed in Vancouver! Love American pop culture its so similar to mine its intertwined in so many ways! Its just the dum dum asses have got control down there and If Bill Clinton wasn't such a BOOB getting all the bad press from letting his dick control him among other things I bet he would still be there! Now or the party at least! I really think when the war is over and all that stuff the conservatives will be out a there! I don't know Hey I'm done with this stuff it really gets me going ON a final note I think I made it clear its not the place the country per say I dis like at this moments its some of the people there!
Wednesday, February 23, 2005
statements! I allays say I know some things not all this is my opinion, I learned how to think critically in University, Something I think everyone should learn to do! You are not born with the ability you are educated in the ability! I kind of think those of us who can think critically although not flawless in anyway tend to be some what more enlightened and well smarter to a degree! You can tell some one something or educate them till your blue in the face! If you have a position on something speak your mind! But when it comes to gay issues and the (Sorry USA readers) Stay the hell out a are business its bad enough what you all have let happen to your government and country keep you bloody politics to your selves! I know I know many down there are feeling railed into a side or a group, its with or against! I for one am not a USA Basher there are many things in my life I thank USA people for! I'm grateful to have such a powerful Country beside me and I honor my American Brothers and sisters! We truly have much in common! But the way we do things and our attitudes tend to be different! You know the friendly Canadian! The thing is I'm very pissed of that USA groups are funding lobby groups in Canada to oppose our government in the same sex marriage movement! Our courts have made it legal it is the law of the land! Now I'm sure the ones doing this would not like it if we started paying to oppose there laws and try and change and influence there politics! I think we should start a gay movement in the USA and send gay marriage ambassadors hey why not married couples down there to protest! Hmmm Well not but its funny not I have several friends who are married and more who are every day! I'm so upset with the the USA ones who are doing this worry about your own country and stay the hell out a mine! I love the USA but I don't like them right now or the ones who are doing this! I suggest anyone down there to tell your fellow citizens to worry about there own sorry state of affairs! Is it that the Gay man in the USA has become complacent fooled by the fact that they can see gay TV, I think its a conspiracy to lull the USA gay man into complacency mean while there government has been closing doors for them secretly while no one was looking and then when it came time to act up it was to late! Now there trying to impose there will on my country! No I don't think so! Please understand I know its not the majority of the people who read my blog who I'm talking about and I know my American USA buddy's, friends are just as upset as I am! We need you all to get your act together before the same happens up here! The USA is a great force and its influence is strong! We Canadians will prevail and show you all its not the end of the world if a man marries a man! Or a women marries a Women! Is it so wrong for some one who loves there partner to be able to be there and have rights in the eyes of the law and state! IS it wrong that two friends of mine got married in part to have legal power over the other in case one should get sic! No It's beautiful that they love each other and care! We should be celebrating the love not fighting it! Now you bad USA people get out a my back Yard and keep your backwards thinking to your selves and don't forget your bible on your way home! Thank you very much! And you all down there please start fighting for your rights do something call your senator or what ever it is you do! Join your local gay activist group you got 4 years to build the moment up to stop the damage I pray its not to late and you all start the fight....Love is good fighting is bad, Call it marriage call it what ever you want It is something that deserves respect and should be left for the ones wanting to do it or not! Ok now bellow is from a fab web site called
Gay Guide Toronto
A great site they where one of my sponsors for the Buckleroos event last Oct I might ad that raised over a 1000 for The People with Aids Foundation here in Toronto Eh Um!
"hen Dubya recently told The New York Times that studies show ?the ideal is where a child is raised in a married family with a man and a woman,? the Gay and Lesbian Medical Association wasted no time in holding a press conference to publicly correct the bluffing Bush, noting that not only was there no legit proof, but that the American Academy of Pediatrics and the American Academy of Family Physicians cite sufficient evidence in medical literature to endorse same-sex parenting.
The state of Virginia has the nation?s most anti-gay laws, and it would like more, faggot. Making its way through Richmond is a resolution that begins a process where the constitution of Virginia would outlaw any recognition of gay relationships.
Such mindsets are helping propel the anti-same-sex marriage movement here in Canada. The U.S. headquarters of the Knights of Columbus, for instance, has covered the cost ($65,000) for a postcard campaign in which opponents of same-sex marriage can send their messages to members of Parliament, with a Knights spokesman saying his organization will do ?whatever it takes? to defeat the Canadian measure. Then there's Focus on the Family founder James Dobson, who recently transmitted a paid radio show to 130 Canadian radio stations in which he told Canadians to be ?encouraged? by efforts in the U.S. to ban same-sex couples from marrying.
U.S. anti-gay groups are highly organized, cash rich and are financing their Canadian counter-parts, hence all those full page newspaper and magazine ads and the overwhelming anti-same-sex marriage emails and postcards being received by our MPs, many of whom say they will vote based on what their constituents are telling them. If you and everyone you know hasn?t counteracted this by emailing their MP to support same-sex marriage, do it now through www.equal-marriage.ca"
Now you see why I got all worked Up!
Hugz to my USA friends, you all should start getting out of the big cities where its all good and vacationing in the south go to the small towns where they hate you and show them we are not evil bad people! C'mon if it was not for us gays and especially my LA gay friends I would not have half the favorite TV shows I like Get it together stop the hate!
Tuesday, February 22, 2005
Please note its now been several hours from the time this has happened, I'm thinking to myself was I dreaming am I going crazy! Yes this actually happened today I can't believe it! You know when something crazy happens to you and you have to sit down and think did that happen am I having hallucinations or what! My roommate was not impressed either and she has lived in this building for years! Don't get me wrong after reading this please know I love old people just not ones like the one in this post!
So I have been going through lots of my sheets as of late! I've been covering the Chester field with my nice white sheets when the nurse comes so I can lie down in my living room and let her do her thing, seen as she is cleaning the wounds with water it can get a bit messy! I have laundry in my apartment! My room mate has the machines she bought her self! The kind you hook up the the kitchen sink and so on! But you can only wash a few sheets at a time and my big fluffy duvet is way to big! So once a month or so I wash all my big items in the building laundry room! I go down to check on my stuff, for one thing I can't stand washing my stuff in public machines! SO I ONLY DO WHITES AND I USE LOTS A BLEACH! Oh man I get down there and someone has put there nasty underwear a few socks and one nasty nasty worn out sheet that must of been 30 years old you like the ones your grandmother had you could see through! Any way I freeked out took the clothes out than looked in to see if mine where all there! The fucked thing I don't know how many sheets I own....So I have to get back to my apartment the nurse is here any minute to look at my stomach and change the dressing! I'm loony now thinking about why someone would have put there stuff in with mine! And added more quarters because there was more time than I had put still on the dryer clock! Any way I get down there after the nurse leaves and all my sheets are gone! Fuck I'm freaking they are nice sheets several hundred dollars worth! I ask a lady who is in there if she saw who took the stuff thank goodness she did It was this little short fat gray haired old lady! An other guy happens to come into the laundry room I'm irate I describe the women! He say oh ya that's so and so on the eleventh floor...Is she crazy or what I ask...He says I wouldn't say crazy lets just say a bit challenged! Man I storm up the the eleventh floor knock on the door she opens it up I say where is my sheets! I see the clothes that where in the dryer with mine that I threw out of the machine an the back of a chair! She plays dummy I'm yelling I know its you I saw those clothes there the same ones You put in with mine I chucked out! The husband I'm thinking get up I see into there bedroom from the door some of my sheets on the bed all folded like she was getting ready to make her bed with them! I'm like I want my stuff now! Sure enough she starts to go into her dresser out come my sheets the husband out of the bedroom with more of my sheets! Fuck I'm pissed right of right now I don't know if I should call the cops or report her to the super or what How many other times has she stolen peoples stuff I'm thinking! I'm sitting here typing this entry and then I realize she has my god dam Ikea shopping bag the one she used to steal my sheets with! About half way through this post I ran up to her floor knocked on the door and said where is my bag! Fuckin bloody sitting on there sofa! Oh man I'm really really mad now! I'm not sure if I should tell my room mate! I guess I will! The thing is I'm on a very limited income and there would have been no way I could have replaced all the sheets it took me several years to buy the collection to begin with! OH man If they where not old and there apartment didn't look so empty and bare I would have called the cops and the super and the city seen as I live in a city owned subsidized building! Metro housing or something its called! Not all the apartments are low income they are geared to your income you pay a certain percentage of you monthly income 10% or something like that! Anyway I told her you got any more of my sheets hold on she says one more! Oh I could have grabbed her and slapped her! She just stood there and shook her head! So I go back up there and get my ikea bag and tell
the husband or who ever he is to give a good talking to her and there lucky I don't call the cops I had witnesses so she would have been charged! I;m sure they are dirt poor seniors from the look of her sheet she put in my dryer they haven't bought new ones in 30 plus years! My problem no sad yes that they didn't plan for there later years! Then again she looked a bit crazy and you get all types in city housing! Oh boy I don't think I've been this pissed in a long time! The thing is I'm not sure if I got all my stuff back or not because I really don't know how many sheets where in there! Next time I'm staying in there with my stuff and a news paper! Screw the old fuckin g laundry stealing bitch who said to me when I told her I should call the cops go ahead I don't care! My blood is boiling right now! How dare she there is a good will down there street! I have a mind to go door to door and ask everyone in the building if there laundry has gone missing and then we all go bang on her door and see if she has stolen others stuff some how I don't think I was the first victim! Fucking bitch piss me of ruin my day! Oh man the ting is she is a little old gray haired lady that could be your grandmother! To bad she sole and she dam well new that she did! Old or not there is no excuse to steel my sheets!
Ok I'm calmed down but really would it have made it not so bad if they where not seniors and probably so dirt poor they have to eat cat food to survive really its not my problem I have my own community issues to deal with...It kinda rubbed me the wrong way that it was a little old lady! I could tell she was very aware that she did wrong no matter if she is a bit nuts or not! Bitch Ok I'm done until I see her next time! Fuck
So its been a few hours since sheet gate! I'm calmed down enough to be able to look through my laundry and try and remember what all was in the dryer that crazy bitch stole! E gad My duvet cover is gone and now I'm realizing a few more fitted sheets are gone to! So all mad and reved up again I go storming up to her apartment for the third time! Husband opens the door invites me in! I'm like ok where is my duvet cover Hmmm what's that Ummm nope its not here! Al calm like its normal to have a strange go from room to room looking everywhere for my things! The wife is in the kitchen yelling get the fuck out get out, its not here! Ok Now I'm pissed again I think I'll check the laundry room one more time! Not that it was there before! Hmm to my surprise the final third of my laundry is on top of a dryer on the other side of the laundry room! The guy that clued me into who took it in the first place was there Dunn founded as I was to why! I just can't help but feel sorry for her and her husband he was very embarrassed I could tell! He apologized and maintained his dignity as best as one can in such a situation! I feel bad but she did take my sheets enough for her to keep them in clean linen's for months! So some how my stuff reappeared in the laundry room I'm thinking he found the rest after I stormed out the second time and made her bring it back to the laundry room or he did! Oh boy I now feel very bad for yelling at them I think she is a bit slow but C'mon she took all my things a big blue Ikea shopping bag filled a foot over the top of the bag not an easy thing for an old lady to drag from the main floor to the eleventh floor! I talked to my room mate we decided to let it go and go and warn her if we here any other people talk about missing stuff she is getting reported! I couldn't let her get them evicted the poor husband or who ever he was truly was sorry for what she did and did let me in there home three times the last to verify if there was anything left or not! He could have just covered up for her and told me to get lost! I can't help thinking if they where caught with there pants down and didn't think they would ever get busted! I don't know I was lucky all the people who where around helped mi figure it out with in minutes I had my stuff back..Something that doesn't happen very much when you are robbed!
So Next duvet and sheet day I'm a sitten in there on guard!
the insanity of it really!
Sunday, February 20, 2005
Ok when I signed up for a so and so add service to make some extra cash not that I am really I never thought I would have such a link on my site how fitting to find such a thing who new! I do seem to have lots of gas after my operation! Something trust me I'm hoping will go away soon!
Hmmm It always gets my curiosity going when the odd time I decide to look at who was at my blog looking in on me! What little I can find out by the trackers I use is the referral page this one came up the Army the USA Army at that! Hmm makes me think all kids of nasty things! Any army guys reading this blog? Hmmm if so email say hi! Or is the big old USA Army looking in on my site for some reason! I hardly think so but you can't help but think when you see something come up like that linked to your site!
Saturday, February 19, 2005
I'm looking forward to the spring and some new things in my life, after putting of the operations for a year I'm happy I did it! I feel good and my energy is there again! The only thing now is to get of the pain meds, Something I'm sure I can do now that the pain is not there anymore! I'm already taking less, My Doc is experienced in opiate addiction so with his help I'm already one up on that!
So now I'm going to start to rebuild some of my friendships I've been very tardy at! You know how when you just don't feel good you don't want to be around anyone! I'm excited to get out there and start having a life again! I was the kind A guy who was out every day visiting and doing things with friends, The typical gay urban city boy! Well I'm back so any friends of mine who read this be warned I'm coming A calling soon so get out the good China I'm coming over for that dinner I was invited to so many times! I'd say I have a few dozen visits well over due! I'm so excited to actually feel good again! And with a sober head its a really good thing! I'm happy!
Thursday, February 17, 2005
Something I found when looking for info on my pancreas and gall bladder operations!
Oh boy the wound where I had the hernia repair just opened up and started to leak nasty stuff! I tried to clean it out with some sterile water by flushing the wound
out with a syringe! I don't know I'm a bit worried because the entire repair was my idea now I have an extra infection that wouldn't have been there if it wasn't for my vanity! I was not to happy with this big bump on my stomach! SO I only hope that it heals ok and I'm not left with something worse than I had before! It was nasty I'm sitting in my living room chitin up my roomy, I felt this cold sensation on my stomach! I sorta thought I have felt that before, I did after all have a drain there for months a few years back so I was used to at one time feeling things coming out a my stomach! My point I didn't have to look to know what was going on I dressed the nasty thing up and will ask my home nurse to help when she gets here tomorrow afternoon!
Yuk I have two big holes in my stomach now one with a foot of packing in it! I'm going to start taking some antibiotics! I have them left over from before but I don't see the problem with being carefully In my opinion I would have possibly avoided the infections if they put me on antibiotics like I had asked days ago! I know my body and that I almost always get infections when I have big cuts!! Any who what do I know there the docs right I wonder sometimes!
So neat link I put up there There actually cut a guy milimeter by milimeter in half and the put him back together to get the full body image you can look in To anypart of the body! I looked at the dick on the guy it is odd looking at a guy all cut into bits!
Ok lets see what google adds come up after this post!
SO resting lots of sleep and haveing to bathe more often can't be all smelly for the home nurse! God I remember the day I would shower two times a day even if I wasn't going out a the house! Strange how you change! Yuck yuk and more yuk I'm burping up some foul smelling gas the last few days ! I'm thinking its the fluid draining out my pancreas into my stomach I'm smelling and tasting! Yuk When I had the drain last time you could see the nasty black fluid coming out in to the bag! Hey do I care that its draining now into my body and I can taste it! Well hek ya Its freaking me out! I can only wait till the cyst drains more and starts to dry out! IT took a few weeks with the bag so I'm thinking the same for this way! The thought of a cyst draining putrid crap in my stomach and I'm tasting it every time I burp is very upsetting but what choice did I have I'm now pain free other than the wounds that will heal in time! OH boy I'm having a hard time with this wondering if I did the write thing! I guess I will see!
Ok I'm of to bed more rest!
Tuesday, February 15, 2005
Now if I had the sponge baths done by a sexy guy now that would have topped of a long stay now wouldn't it! Little old lady just didn't do it for me! I didn't cloose my eyes and imaging a bug stud nurse dare I get an erection I am sure them young nurses where trying to get a few peeks in, Well I wasn't going to stop them if they wanted to see my big dic all the power, its for the boys only so a few peeks by the ladies can't hurt!
OK I'm home a week later, lots to talk about later! Operation was a big success! I didn't figure out I was still alive and made it for several hours after they got my pain meds up to the dose I could handle! It seems if you tell them you have been on 200+mg of morphine a day they don't understand that I'm immune to the stuff Unless they give me three times what any other guy would get! So after several hours of extreme pain and I mean freaking bad I stopped to think and realized I made it, I fucking got yet another chance at life so here we go the next step and its a big one now followed by several little steps to good things no more wrong roads this boy is tired of the pain and I deserve it all!
More to come on my hospital adventures!
Big hugs back to everyone who wished me well I felt yah all there in spirit! A part of me was very eager to get back and share with you all!
Ok I'm hurting, my belly button wound got infected! Do you know what packing a wound is! Oh my good its the worst 6'4 stud university doc digging his finger in side the wound to open it up! Oh big hand BIG PAIN, I told him I like big hands but not in this situation poor guy blushed I was all talk about how the big stud shoved his finger in me, he turned all red when all the other doc students where in the room looking at me! I winked at him it was all good! If you have an infected operation incision get the smallest doc to shove there fingers in to open it up! IT hurts more than the operation! And then there in the several feet of packing
I'm hurting thinking about this literally!
Ok of to try and have a bowl movement its been one go in a weeks not good, my bowl movements or lack of them was the hot topic around the water cooler! Haven't talked about by but and shit with so many people ever it was fun in a freaky way, did you go yet no! I want to it hurts mother fuck I need to poop!
Ok I'm going
Tuesday, February 08, 2005
I'm having my gull bladder out, an operation called cystgastrostomy and a hernia repair on my stomach!
They say I should only be in there for a day or so! I'm hoping Hospital can be very boring! The last time I was there I was in for a few weeks! A few friends are going to come see me tonight! I hope they don't get there to bad news! I couldn't imagine going to see a friend in Hospital to find out they didn't survive the operation! There are risks I could bleed to death among several other things! Oh boy
Its silly I'm thinking if I should shave my stomach or not! I don't know, I'm trimming my toe nails and giving myself an extra good scrub in the shower! Its a strange feeling to know I'll be passed out and people will be inside my body! I also read I will have a calfiter in my dick! Fun stuff! I hope they put it in after I'm out of it! I think I will not shave they didn't ask me to and I'm just not sure if it would be a problem! I haven't eaten since two am I was to stop at 12am but hadn't eaten all day! I'm hungry and thirsty and grumpy and upset and scared all at once! Plus I'm happy to get this done to! If it works I should be out of pain for the for seeable future! The doc didn't tell me about several side effect though! I've been reading up on them! Like for example, I could get bad diarrhea from the gull bladder removal! Hmm fun stuff!
Ok I need to get ready!
If you don't here from me within a few weeks it means I've not survived the operation! The risks are there going into it I don't even know If I'm willing to accepts them or not! I do have a choice, in ways I don't! I can only hope that it goes well and I'm back home in a few days to post on here at least an I made it I'm ok!
IF for some reason I don't come back to my blog it was fun! And please remember that the main reason I had to have this operation was from A LIFE OF DRINKING ALCOHOL! So please think about your future when someone asks you to learn from there mistakes its real! No one wants to have to go through what I am and if I could change in a second what I did I would!
I hope to be back in a few days!
Hugs to everyone and take care!
Sunday, February 06, 2005
Here kitty kitty
I think it was to cute and had to share!
Plus this one
What many Canadian think of Bush to funny!
Lucky for us all he has to stop its his last turn! I bet he would change that if he could! At least the system you have down there works in your favor and gets rid of him one way or an other its just to bad it couldn't have been done the by all the gay boys and girls voting his nasty but out there!
I found the cool flash bits at this site
So no call from the boy I met the other night! I hope he calls! I felt like we had a connection I will see! Not much else going on same old! I'm getting very nervous about the operation on Tuesday! I almost want to not go, the thought I may die is scaring me bad! Its sort of like when I started the hiv meds there was a warning that I could have a major reaction and die from the pill, I was freaked out! Took them and am ok the operation is a bit different my life is in the hands of several people who I hope all got a good night sleep and wash there hands very good you know the normal things people should do before they go into your body and start taking parts of you out and cutting here and there hey whats to worry about I'll be fine! I hope!
Ok just stop thinking about it and go to bed! You see that there in it self has been the problem for years I didn't think about it! Decided to be numb well not now its hard to face reality more and more as the days go by! I'm slowly getting used to life with a clear mind slowly!
Saturday, February 05, 2005
So not that being gay is hard enough! I'm out with a dear friend of mine who moved here from Vancouver a year ago, My coming out city one of the if not the most perfect cities in the world! Rated by the Un! And me tops!
Any way I'm out at the Black Eagle Toronto And a guy starts looking at me! Well one
of many but this one is actually cute and sexy! We give each other the look! I decide to give a I'm interested look! The very rare time I decide to let my guard down! There was something about him! He whips out a pen and paper! He is deaf! I'm already turned on by him! He is blond blue eyed! Around my size and in a black bicker leather style jacket! We talked for a few hours or we put to paper our thoughts! It was very not your typical night out! I really liked him! He said he would call I will see what happens! He is going to have to use a TTY device a system for deaf people to communicate over the phone! I'm very excited is it wrong to see a similarity or a hope of understanding in him He doesn't know I'm HIV! Would he be insulted that I felt a sense of comfort in talking to him the we share a disability! OR will he think of it that way! I hope he doesn't think I am only thinking about a possibility of him and I because he is deaf, I must admit though that I was comforting for me to share this! IS this wrong on my part? I will tell him of course I hope he is not scared away!
Thursday, February 03, 2005
"St. Michael's Hospital Surgeon-in-Chief Appointment
St. Michael's Hospital is pleased to announce the appointment of Dr. ########(not sure if I should but my doc name on here), as the hospital's new Surgeon-in-Chief, effective July 1, 2004. Dr.####### is currently Head of the Division of General Surgery, and Director of Surgical Research at the University Health Network in Toronto. He is also the Director of the Institute of Medical Science, and a Professor at the University of Toronto. In addition, Dr. ####### is an active member of a number of national committees, including the Canadian Research Development Committee. As one of Canada's leading surgeon scientists, Dr. ####### will bring a wealth of experience to St. Michael's Hospital in surgical sepsis and critical care research."
It seems the doc is one of the best in the country if not North America! I'm very happy he is a busy guy I'm glad I'm getting him in the afternoon, he should be not so tired! Its the mistakes that usually kill most people when being operated on!
OK back to reading all about my operations!
Scary stuff! I want to know everything! I'm the kinda guy you would call an informed patient! I'm not the type to blindly walk into a situation! Ask questions always ask there is nothing wrong with wanting to know what is going on or happening to you!
Any way to loose 10 pounds fast! I've been eating lots of hi carbs and fatty food the last few months I'm getting fat 140 never been then fat ever! Oh I'm over it I have other things on my mind and it can come of easy as I put it on by not stuffing my face! I'm lucky that way I can eat what I want and never get to fat! Although it seems the older I get the more the fat seems to accumulate faster!
Oh boy getting older how fun! Good thing I look like I'm still in my early 20's! I know I know What can I say!
Of to the tanning booths and to look into a will! I find myself thinking I need one! There is a hiv/aids legal clinic here in the Village on Church, I was told they would help me so I'm going there as well...It freaks me out to think about death but when you are getting an operation that you could die from you have things that need to be done a will one of them!
I'm feeling good lonely but good! I am doing ok just wanting this to be all over with, I'm very much looking forward to the summer!
I'm outz to the fake and bake and to get my self a will!