<$BlogRSDUrl$> Gay Canadian X Party Boy

Friday, November 04, 2005

Well I'm not in the mood to post the past few days.....been busy with a so called relationship.....On and of and on and now of again....

I don't understand how some men can play with others emotions....Just when I was going to let him in again...I'm told its over again...the thing is he has a live in boyfriend who is the on and of again room mate...I don't know, he hits him, I learned last night, tells him to get out, the poor guy is trapped with someone who calls him names and verbally abuses him as well....won't let him move on....I was there at one time in my life as well....So scared to move on that I couldn't make it in my life as well....after a year or so I left after it was so bad we both where hurting each other constantly....

The thing is the other night we actually finally had sex real intimate sex....I made love with him, and it was great to actually have feelings for someone while having sex it was there...Something that hasn't been there for a long time....

He was ok with me being poz as well, or I think trying to....I am hurt and left alone feeling used and torn apart....He reads this so will see this...the hurtful thing or that really bothers me is this is the second time now he has done this to me......I am done with men or at least relationships....who needs the pain, I don't I screw up enough in this fucked up world that I don't need anyone else making me sit home alone feeling like a truck just hit me....

I should thank him for reminding me that some guys deserve each other, and I think these two do, If you think so little about your self you deserve what you get...Its sad I thought I had problems, Its almost like a game that he doesn't know he is playing in.....I'm not going to be a pawn in this, if he wants him he can have him....

I don't know how someone can throw around the word love so easy either...I've been warned that some guys are just bad but I refuse to give up and become bitter....its hard but I'm not there yet....

The truth be told I've fallen for him...This one needs me and I need him! I'll do what it takes....I've given up on so many things in my life and he is not one I'm willing to.....The good and the bad I'll take it all, I've been through so much in my life and need to start fighting for what I want, and I want him in my life!

I've waited this long a few more months is not a long time!.......

You see we developed a relationship over text messaging and email after we met, he has touched me in ways others have never before....He has been reading this blog so knows more about me than any other man in my life has so far....He is scared I know I've been there.....He has had to do some awful things this past few years to survive, he shouldn't have to....and I intend to make sure he knows that I will be here no matter what, just as long as I know what he is telling me is true.....

After I posted this we talked I think he now knows I'm serious, I so wished I could have just let him stay with me the other night...told him stay here with me...Your home....but I'm in the middle of a two month wait till my new apartment! sleeping in a living room...If I have to I'll risk everything....Its been a while since a man brought me to tears, to long. That is when I new how I really felt for sure....100%

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