<$BlogRSDUrl$> Gay Canadian X Party Boy

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

a two day post here...sorry if its hard to read but hey! that wouldn't be me if it wasn't.....

Drama drama..I say....

trouble in the hiarcy once again....the guys at the top I wish they would all just get along.....I'm thinking in every city the gay community has is group of gay businessmen who are the forces behind the night life culture......the thing is there is room for everyone to a point when you start getting power hungry or disrespectful you may find the accomplishments you have made will be told to you that they can be taken away at anytime, you see like any community there are a few who actually run everything...this I know!

I guess you pick your side wisely and move on, sometimes I wonder though me being on the out side of this all looking in trying to make it by if its something I want to be a part of, yes the money could be very good put is it worth it the power the recognition....Hmmm well money talks we will see...I'm for now being careful and observing steps are small for now till the storm clears.....

Slept for an hour or so dam aches and pains...I've not let this out yet but I've been having severe joint pain in my wrists and ankles neck and well every joint to a degree....had a few tests X-rays...ultra sound results of the old pancreas as well results due at the DOc today.....I'm thinking side affects from something I've done or am doing.....prescription or otherwise....could it be to good that I don't have side affects from the meds

Ok I am sort of seeing this guy, we got together last week I had had a few drinks and we started to have sex things went way wrong....a bit messy if you know what I mean....nuff said about that....I freaked me being the Bottom was not an every day thing yes I know what to do and if Im able and so on I guess the few martinis where my down fall that night....I stormed out a his home all embarrassed by he situation trust me it was not good......He hugged me good by asked me why I won't let him in I said I didn't want to hurt him...and that's that I haven't got a call and not called my self....the thing is I like the guy he is by far one of the most interesting men I have ever known intimately....The one thing about him is he has made me think about things I never have before and it scared the hell out a me....spiritual stuff Wicca that's what he is into....Not to sure where I go from here...Can't sleep starting to fell emotionally drained....wondering what to do if I should call or not....Did he decide I was to much after my poor show of behavior....after all he was actually pursuing me! admittedly I was eager to let him....Ok I am a mess I have only slept for an hour at a time a few times the past few days...in part to this and in part to my joint pains....stress about moving...money problems and well just plain life....

You see when I close my eyes it floods in regret ...missed opportunities..what ifs....like tonight every time I tried to sleep I thought about that night last week what I did...what I could have done and so on.....thinking did this guy cast some spell on me, after all he is seriously into the wicca....Not that I really believe in it but I tell you I've been thinking allot about it....the whole thing is strongly ingrained in me to be a none believer...but this guy has sparked my interest...something no one has ever done before....I want to know if its the man or what he represents or both...can I accept al that is him..do I have to...or is it just a thing of the past...So I will call today and set things to rest or see where they go from here...I must admit I'm really hoping he says come over see me I miss you..something like that....I was on my best behavior the past few weeks since I met him and realized I would have to draw the line on clubs and the like to keep him interested...something I would give up in minute for the right guy trust me...oh in a second.......

Ok missed my doc appointment yesterday.....not the first time I've done that.....I so need a new phone with an day timer built in....

have the worst time with doc appointment....going to find out if I have arthritis My pancreas has more cysts on it...and tell my doc I'm a mess can't sleep, emotions are all over the map....maybe try anti-depressants again? big maybe

Not to mention some guy jumped of my building yesterday...I saw a big fight lots a yelling....about 5am sunday night.....My roommate tells me she saw a dead body yesterday morning by the building the cops where here last night to talk....I declined to get involved....JUSt a few weeks ago I was an half hour away from being in the middle of a triple shooting next door to the guys home who I'm dating or not the one I talked about above...two where murdered just after I walked home from his house a bullet hit his neighbors home.....there was a shooting next to a building that several friends of mine live in (a murder) last week.....walked by the scene on my way to the ultrasound......My friend who died lived in the building next to the shooting....What a month in my hood I tell ya...I feel like leaving for few week...

lets see what happens after I move.....my rent is 125 less so that's good.....same building....you can't beat that in the mega city....Toronto or should I say the shooting city....the cops are going crazy everyone is talking about this......the things is the guns are coming up from the USA they say.....what can you do...its sad to see so many mothers on tv crying about there loved ones.....they are all black guys to...killing each other...they all seem to be from the Caribbean to....not sure why that is its sad...I hope they figure it out...and wish they would stop coming into my hood and killing each other........If you must shoot each other do it the subburbs and stay out a my gaybourhood....thank You very much....

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