<$BlogRSDUrl$> Gay Canadian X Party Boy

Thursday, August 11, 2005

My last post I deleted shame on me for resorting to what I had asked....

this post was from a few days ago I was going to hold it back but why stop now....My feeling as they are raw and unscripted take me for who I am or not this is me 100% feeling thought ideas emotions everything....

Do you ever think what would make you happy? I do sometimes, the thing that makes me cry is that I don't enough not far enough....I don't cry enough..I don't laugh enough...I don't tell my friends how much I love them enough....I don't do so many things I should...

Dam its shocking to someone like me when You start to ask your self will I ever be able to do these things...what will it take to make me happy and truely live my life the way I want to....when will it be just another day, I come home I kiss someone I love...have a normal life...then I think what is normal...this life should be this way...I must deserve all this...there is fate or destiny..I don't think so I often wonder...in fact I think the reason why I don't have what I want is because so often I don't think there is any reason or that I don't deserve to be happy...I shut people out, I let peole drift out of my life, I do everything I can to make those around me want to not be around me...

It all comes down to letting those around in I'm thinking being myself....I haven't been that way for years in fact it all started when I came out....this crazy life, I think back about what I was doing then that made me happy....#1 I had good friends who I talked to every day...#2 I had a man in my life I loved 100% with every fiber of my being....#3 I was in university....#4 I was happy.....

For the past several years since I found out I was poz I have really not thought I could ever get any of that back....I want it so bad it burns! Its killing me....just to be happy with life and where things are going...I think its money well this past few months or year that has been very plentyfull....sex nope....friends I have pushed them all away .....So a man a lover a boyfrind....go back to school...What will it take...

then by chance I'm out one night I meet this guy we have only been around each other for a relatively short time....I can say I like him....the thing he has done for me that I am stunned by has reminded me that maybee just mabee someone could see through the walls I put up a bit or at least want to try and get to know me...look past the poz thing....Its so hard to ever feel that I will ever have something to offer someone...the thing is I really think is that I just couldn't bare letting people in knowing that I have to face so much there are definate
strugles and ends that are clearly defined in my future, some say be more pestimiostic, there will be a cure, I know my body I feel things, I'm strong but I wonder will I make it till then and truely if that day will come...

I have the worst time dealing with myself let alone anyone else....really how could I let someone in knowing that I'm only going to hurt them in the long run....pain is something I've spent my entire life running from and trying to escape....

Should I live this way...the realist in me says let others decide what they want, let them decide to take risks...the thing is I truely really feel that when I meet someone fall in love with them that I could never truely let go, I could never risk hurting someone the way I have been with hiv...its not easy and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy....

Dam men I think I avoid them because letting them and feeling are to interrelated, I just don't want to feel its simple....I just don't want to be hurt..I do that enough to myself.....

I know reading this you may think well he is awefull what a glumey pesismistic guy...well there are other sides to this I don't share them here that much but I'll try now....

another side say yes let someone in take a risk be happy....do it why not you survived other let downs....you can't get there unless you take a risk this could be a risk worth takeing....I have lots to offer, just waiting for someone to notice...well you see I'm trying, any of ya all remember 1st year in brain study 101 right a list of all the good things and the bad things you think about your self....well as per I fit the mold my bad list is long...but hey I tried I'm trying I'm fighting I'm a surviver....and cute to so I we will see....You know I had to put that bit in in the end just to keep in line with my critics in bloging land....

I'm outz

feeling hyper emotional and very vulnerable, but with a gleam in my eye I'm seeing something bright in the future the sun could be comeing up on this soul again to warm it up after a long long cold spell....

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