<$BlogRSDUrl$> Gay Canadian X Party Boy

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

Pain and more pain 

Ok its been well over a month since my operations and I'm in just as much pain if not more! I'm depressed about this and upset when I think about the ordeal I had to endure to get to a point that is not rewarded at all! I have no gull gull bladder now who knows the side effect of that in the future! I seemto be ok but you never know...

The thing is my gp Doc is determined to reduce my pain med and get me off them but I'm in more pain than ever in fact its not been under control for a few weeks! I really think he thinks I'm just going through withdraws and I'm not I feel fine in that regard its the pain its starting to affect my day today life again and It sucks..last night I started thinking about the future and started crying like a big baby the thought of having them go inside me again for a I've lost count now time is overwhelming and disturbing to me! I want this to be over in fact I'm thinking today after this not working I'm going to ask my Doc to refer me to another surgeon for an second opinion!

He was the best I thought but you never know! Oh fuck is about the state of mind I'm in! I wish all the times I was screwing around with the drugs and booze I had a idea that I was slowly killing my body! It makes me think about the times when I was 17 and would drink an entire bottle of vodka or more in one night plus a dozen plus beer! I was drunk every weekend almost for years I've come a long way now and hardly ever drink not by choice but glad non the less that I'm sober as I can be and not dead or in hospital!

But times like this when things are going very good for me I'm very beside myself and discouraged what next I guess it will be a stint or a metal tube put in me to only have removed in a few months or a plastic tube out of my stomach again fun been there for six months it was hell imagine it a tube coming out of your stomach with a bag on the end that you have to drain fluid out of several times a day that comes from a cyst deep in your body the smell is the worst and the look its black and putrid! Fuck man I'm done here with this I'm of to the doctor the 300 plus time I've been in the past years serious every two weeks for two plus years and now every week! Thank god the hiv is under control undetectable but I wonder this stress I'm getting bad night sweats again I have to get up three+ times a night to change shirts....

please if you have a friend who is lost in drugs and alcohol be there for them help I was left alone by all my friends when I was at my worst wondering the streets of Vancouver homeless at the end alone and so very desperate and scared! At times I hated the world most times I was so out of it I couldn't care! I remember a friend saying it hurt him to much to see me and couldn't put him self through process of me destroying my life! How selfish he was not a true friend, A friend is there thru think and thing Friends should be there to help not matter what or they where never a friend....In the same respect shame on those who sit by and watch people destroy there lives pathetic to worried about there lives to bother to help! shame shame on you! Do something help them to help them selves we only have each other in the world us gay and lesbians traz and the like! We must help each other I've put in 100s of hours at my local aids organization plus been there for friends who have a drug problem! Don't judge them be there support them If that means you have to make some hard decisions do it be strong me a man make the right choice, THINK ABOUT HOW YOU WILL FEEL IF THE PERSON DIES and you do nothing to worried about the inconvenience of it all or your feelings! Someone addicted to drugs is in a state that is so hard to talk about but so easy to help them by just being there in the good and hard times and being a friend that will stand by them and to the right things!

It just pisses me of to no end when I read about people who bitch about drugs and alcohol affecting there lives and them do nothing but let it continue what of it when will it end! At a morgue or worse both you!

At the same time I say a healthy relationship will be the only way to have a normal flow of life put aside the resentment Be strong it will be hard Detox is the only answer if you truly care for your friend who is suffering you are on the right road the first step is there and if you have a problem and need to talk I'm here email me I'll give you my number you can call me I've been there I still struggle every day! Its hard I realize you are in pain it will get better trust me please people out there do care I care I'm here just reach out and I'll help you to help your self!

I get emails from guys who tell me I'm strong and thank me for being out there I recently got an email from a guy in Vancouver you know who you are! Good for you be strong and continue what you are doing realize if you have a weak point that it will pass the most important thing to do is not to loose site of the times you where hi and miserable and that you don't want to go there again! Life is good sober, party responsibly if you can't don't its not worth it! You are a good person I'm happy to have been there for you email me anytime...I'm here for you!

Ok life goes on I now must get ready for my 300 something visit to my doc!

Point made I hope!

peace and love to you all!


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