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Thursday, March 03, 2005

Just a victim of your own past!

Its a funny thing about the past the way it keeps chasing us no matter how fast we try and run away

Now we put the nightmares of the past behind us taking solace in the fact that it was not the memories that are making us sick but the people that caused the memories! Time will heal us! Yes with time the memories will fade away but that doesn't mean any of us will ever forget! Would it be easier to just forget! I don't remember vast parts of my past! By choice I know, what if they do come back, What if I remember! What then, what if I've forgiven and find I shouldn't of!

As I posted I have Been thinking about my father my family! As fucked as they are I can't help but think about it when I'm told by friends who don't understand my past! There your family, you only have them! Yes but I'm not dead I'm here Why should I find them again! They fucked up every time! I know your not born with a guide to parent! I'm a smart man I know about nature versus nurture! You mother and father should have had that parental bond that would protect me no matter what! The instinct is strong in women to nurture and protect in fathers...Yes they where children when they created me! But still there is something something that happen that keeps me from forgiving them! I after years of hurting my self in a way trying to end my pain, the more time that goes by the more I see..I'm scared very afraid what will come back to me! The thing that scares me the most is not finding a reason, could it be my own doing my entire life! This is it am I coward for forgetting not remembering! When I posted about my father the other day, after I lied in bed crying not wanting to think about it! It wouldn't stop then I thought this was never an issue when I was sober! This is something I'm not sure I can do alone, this blog helps me the people who share with me do as well! But I feel like I may slip back To a life of numbness! So I am going to go to my local counseling I was there before when I left the crazy ex I was ordered by the court to take anger management among other things! It helped I was very reluctant to cooperate but in time I opened up! It stopped the moment I did the time! But now I think I'm ready again! This is very hard for a psychology/sociology major to admit!

I will stop bye its only a few mins away up the street! I love living in Toronto within three blocks there is everything I need!


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