<$BlogRSDUrl$> Gay Canadian X Party Boy

Tuesday, March 01, 2005

I really have to stop watching sad movies at 5am!

I've got tears rolling down my face after this on!

Rights of Passage

You can find it at the Gay Torrennet site listed in the previous posts!

Oh boy It is every gay boys sad story about the father he never had mine to!

I met him when I was 16 or so lived on the farm for a month or so worked in the family business! I should be a third generation farmer! My mother was the rich city girl who's father retired early and bought the ranch took his family out of the big city None of them where to happy! My father was an employee of my mothers dad! I came to be my mother of 15 pregnant! My grandfather disapproved! My father disappeared....I never new him he was made aware by me after years of learning bits and peaces! I later found out that he kidnapped me took me to Mexico and Florida and California! I was missing for months! My mother had at this point met my sisters father! She betrayed my father and tricked him to get me back only to put him in jail for taking me! I was told he used to drive around the block I lived in for years looking at me but was forbidden to know me! I was made aware years later that I had known my grandparents on my Fathers side my entire life but not there true identity! I have cried many times this film made it all flood back! I have no memory of being with my father! I was told that my mother left him because he was sick had been in a bad car wreck and was never the same! I don't know! I do know that he for years tried to see me and my mother wouldn't let him! With my stepfather who's name I have who I hate who rejected me and everything I am at an early age as well as my sister he abanded when my mother left him! When I was still a boy! I wish sometimes my mother left me with my father I would have had so much of a different life! I would be in touch with my native ancestors that was denied me that I still know very little about! After meeting my father by my own doing after searching for him after my half sister told me she could set it up! We look the same, we are almost identical! I couldn't relate to him! He is a simple person a farmer who only knows that! I tried in vain to talk with him but it was impossible! I was still in the closet but anyone could tell! I tried for a few months to get to know him! I talked of city life he talked about tractor's! I have stayed awake night after night cursing my mother wishing she had left me alone with my father! Why she took me from a family who loved me this I found out when I meet some of them including an aunt! I see it in there eyes the love I never felt from my so called family! I've lost contact with them! I only wish I could relate more with them! They would have me living in the middle of no where! In a village in the interior of British Columbia! I tried I did! I stayed with my father for 4 plus weeks I saw my baby carriage that lied where it was put the last time I was in it! I saw the motor cycles my father had bought telling me how he wished us to travel across country together one day he told me how every year he would bye gifts for me! Oh but try as I could he would only go so far! I wanted to here why he was not there why he didn't try harder to be there! I know he was forbidden! But what about the time I was in foster homes why didn't he try and find me...I was sad bitter in a way disappointed at the man that stood in front of me! The man who looked just like me! I wanted to reach out and for him to hold me at this point I was on my own at the age of 17 scared looking for anyone who cared! I had been alone most of my life surviving struggling to care for my sister while my mother was lost in drugs and alcohol! So after finding my father I wanted I expected so much! I don't know how much he knows of my life I want to tell him how do you tell some one about a life of pain your father that was not there! How do you tell him and not feel anger!

Now though across the country the state of my life now I want to try again! In vain My thoughts are! I can't see a way of ever getting there! I wait, I may reach out again to him! After failing last time, I will let him come to me! This time I will tell him how I hurt let him know who I am and hope he will be there this time! I so want him in my life I should tell him! I tried once before! I don't want to be left alone a third time! I f I could I would go find him again! But its just not possible I can not just travel across the country when ever I feel its to complicated my life! My health is what scares me none of them know anything about me now I'm scared something will happen to me! And that I will not ever get a chance to see them again!

I don't know what to do so as I do and have for years I will forget and move on only to be reminded of what I don't have every day left to explain my life to people who don't understand why Im here and I don't talk to my family! I say my friends are my family but in the back of my mind deep in my heart there is something missing! The father I yurn to know the family I so want to reach out to! But the pain that they have given me holds me back, I don't want to let them hurt me any more! But a part says be brave let them have another chance...

I don't know what to do ever! So I forget like I said and move on!


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