<$BlogRSDUrl$> Gay Canadian X Party Boy

Sunday, February 27, 2005

Before you read this please take into mind I'm going in and out of a lot of mind frames this is one now the road I'm on now to a life I want is a hard up hill struggle I'm trying faced with death my health failing one I was given no choice to travel! I go on I fight its hard this is a blue mood I'm hurting lonely its not something I wish on anyone but my only path now I want to live Its that simple!

Sad be warned but hey this blog is for me to work out my life my Feelings!
I'm still in pain I'm feeling let down after all this past few weeks what now what is next! I'm afraid the operation didn't work! What now where do I go from here! I'm confused! My life is on the table here, I'm very irritated now! I continue as I always do! Love Macy Gray, I'm listening to her now! Some of the lyrics are coming through here! Sorry!

I'm feeling lonely! I try to hide it I feel like a prisoner I may seem alright but my smiles are often a front! I keep my cool...Oh boy I need to stop listening to sad songs! I try to walk away butt I stumble! Here is my confession! I need your touch! I play it off! I'm dreaming! I try to say good by! My old life the new life its a battle inside I'm winning but its hard when you don't see the end anytime soon!

And then there is my non existing love life!

There is one man I think I fell for a few months ago! I have known him for a few years now! In fact he was someone I lusted after for three plus years. I was with the Ex I have talked about before when I first talked to him...Anyway I found out he is poz as well, I find him sexy we work well together he is smart...We have lots in common.... we sorta dated at one time it was nice, he asked me over one night I brought over a bottle of wine, we drank and then had some wild crazy passionate sex! not the first time but this time was not like other times.

I feel a connection with him, he confided in me he is poz said he feels it is not possible to have a relationship without other poz guys....I'm thinking this would be much easier and I agree, at the same time I think why...But I think it is my fate, after all it is easier but I don't want to limit the possibilities..Oh the crazyness of life sometimes...

You see I know he is tired of the club life and is disenchanted with it, he strives to get away I know he is in the bar scene still in fact for the first time not as a performer and now bar staff some where I've been many times...I don't think I would work in bars again...Helping out some times for a fund raiser or promotion its out of the bar and away from the drugs and alcohol!..I know he wants to get away from the party, we have partied many times together, the last time I was over it was just me and some wine and him no drugs It was good last summer, I was happy I think he was to. we realized we could be together with out being all blitzed.... I feel for him, I think he knows... I look at him so every time I see him, I saw him the other day at work I said hi and all my feeling flooded back...I don't know what he thinks of me, I've been with a few of his friend and vice versa its strange, I remember he told me one night when we first kissed very deep and passionately we could be good together I feel it! I saw him for years leaving my building after visiting a mutual friend he would say Hey I say what you doing going to the baths...errr I was fuck if only I was single...The thing is I made a sorta date or said I would call didn't he called one night at 3am or something.... Sexy eyes love the way he carries him self he has no idea he is sexy, I tell him he says I'm fat, he isn't it wouldn't matter to me! I want to call him I should I wish I could figure out where he is with me! I want to ask him what he thinks of me, You see I've never been with out drink before with a man he was one of the first guys I connected with with out drinking for a long time! One who was brave enough to call me.... I don't know I'll go and talk to him ask him when his next day is off! Hey what you doing, I see something in his eyes when he looks at me I want to know what it means is it that he feels the same way, you see he is more mature with guys than me! I'm not shy to admit I'm emotionally stunted when it comes to expressing my feeling! Its hard the fear of rejection is over powering at times I feel so held back! I like him! I think I should find out what he feels, DO I have a possibility, am I just a fuck buddy, the way things have gone before its hard to say, why did he tell me he thinks he wants to only date poz guys was that a hint...Why couldn't it be easier....You know for being out for seven years it should not so complicated I should be comfortable with my sexuality..

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