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Monday, January 03, 2005

Uneventful New Years so far! Its cold here and winter! I'm looking forward to the Sun coming back! Its funny a few years back I couldn't wait till it got dark and stayed dark! I find I'm now more of a day person! All though there is still my appreciation for the night! I will allays love the dark there is something about the night that the day will never have for me! AT night everything is less harsh, easier to take in the lines are less defined things are less complicated no t as much to take in!

Three more days till my latest CT scan! I'm looking forward to it! As this is the last first step to my pancreas problem being solved I hope! I have to look up the surgery I'm having and get something on here! I do know that I will be in there for three weeks and recovery is going to be a bitch! I've put it off for to long! What's a month of my time when I could have freedom form this pain its such a burden and hold me back more often that I like to admit!

So the little old lady I was helping to take care of her cat is back now from her holiday with her family! She was so happy with my job! It was a good feeling to help her and make it possible to visit her family! I know at that age every time you get to spend with the ones you care about is precious! A good thing done! I'm happy! She is that's al that matters!

one thing that is getting me down I want to share! Need some help on from my poz blog buddies! Been dating this guy! Told him after the fact I was poz! Big drama I know! We talked it out, he continued to pursue me! Wanted to see me! Its been a month! We have seen each other twice this last month! He seems to be very nervous about being with me sexually! Scared in a way! This is really hurting me! I understand his fear! But where does this leave me! I've been over this in my mind so many times! My last long term boyfriend ended up poz! From me! Something I don't hide and have shared here before! So I find myself at the point where I have told him I think we should just be friends! He is only 20 (I'm 31) to and I feel this is another issue! He spent the night here and would hardly touch me! I was in tears inside! I don't understand him! He calls me all the time wants to be around me! But then there is this wall that goes up and its about hiv! I know it! He has let me know in his way! Why does he want to be with me! I'm the face of hiv! Its a part of me if I want it or not! So what do I do! I've told him that I think we should just be friends, left a long message for him to call me we have to talk! I think like I've been told by a few of my poz friends they say only date other poz guys way less complications! But why is this the way it has to be! I've been on both sides and have the sad reality of knowing I passed it on! I don't think I could handle that again! I think I Need to tell him to just go away! He reminds me of myself, at his age! We have lots in common with are past! He seems to really like me! I don't know what to do! The whole thing pisses me of the hiv is on my mind I can never forget it! It's reminded to me every day at noon and then at midnight 365 days a year when I reach for the pill bottles! What am I thinking! Should I even ask some one to take the risk! Is it worth it! Am I! This sucks! I hate my self my life some times!

I'm outz


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