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Friday, January 28, 2005

I think one of the things that keeps me going is that I know things could be worse! I've had a lot to deal with over the years! Growing up with a drug addict single mother, from leaving home when I was 14, and then staying in foster care on my own decision to do so, having to sue my mother to release custody of me! Only to have her show up late to the court room! Dealing with this so early in my life affected me very much so much that I was very alone as a child and teenager! The fact I moved every few months and changed schools several times a year made it very hard to establish friends at all when I was a teenager! I think I learned at an early age to block others out of my life and to deal with emotions the only way I could to dull them with alcohol and drugs! I started drinking Vodka and beer when I was fifteen, in fact when I was a teen I was drunk every weekend and hi on pot most days! After getting through all that and dealing with being gay and having to do it all on my own I had my first apartment when I was 15! 31 now so its been over half my life I'm the one calling the shots! I don't know if I can blame anyone for my problems! I think the fact I've had a very hard time of it has very much a lot to do with my mother and the shit she put me through! But when I started to screw up on my own doing was when I let being gay and the party life take over what I wanted in life! You see there was I time when I was in University had kicked the teenage bad habits and really had a future! Planned out that is! Then I got online and well its all history now...The internet helped me to come out! I had been watching gay porn for a few years but really after being online in the mid to lat 90's I could only look at pics and chat for so long before I wanted a man in real life! I really wish that I had a clearer head to deal with being gay! I hid it for years, and seen as I was on the edge with drug and alcohol all I needed was that push to get into a destructive life style again! I had beat this before and always had known I could! You know I don't blame being gay on my problems but it sure does have a lot to do with it! Already having a fucked up life I think put me over the edge! And after loosing the love of my life after a year when I was 24 I started a six year binge in gay clubs/bars/baths! There where times through out those years when I was in more control but most often it was chaos never knowing where I was going and what the next day would bring me! And very much feeling alone and depressed never letting anyone in! Pushing the ones away that tried to get in to my head! You see there are so many things that I could talk about on here and doing this has helped me to no end blogging! My point being that I know things can be worse so when I'm feeling down and sad or sorry for my self I know I will make it seen as I've had to over come so much my entire life! I find myself now after living a life that could compare to many combined with my experiences that is, I can only take my pain serious to a point knowing what I've been through helps but the thing I'm trying to do now is to truly learn from my past and to be strong and not let it keep me down and hold me back! I really think I've got to a critical point in my life where If I don't do it this time there won't be another chance! I for the first time have a good home, something I've been searching for my entire life! My room-mate is the best she means the world to me! I am going on here! So life brings me yet another chance I'm going to learn from my mistakes again and this time after so many years of darkness I really feel I am going forward for the first time in 9 years! It feels good! I'm scared so scared I'll screw it up again! I can't its my life at stake here, having HIV, and my pancreas problems has put things in perspective, helped to get me into a state of mind that no longer feels I'm invincible! That I couldn't abuse my self as much as I wanted and there wouldn't always be A next day! I've come close to the end a few times, and now have to go in hospital to have tree operations at one time to fix my body from all the abuse I've done to me! You get a new look on life after spending months in hospital! I really want to be here! After fighting life for so long its hard to really grasp what I'm thinking now! Its new to me and scary, I'll succeed I always do if I want something bad enough!

Ok don't know why this came out a me! I'm going through some hard times facing this operation in a few weeks! Life, mortality that kind a thing!

I'm outz!


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