<$BlogRSDUrl$> Gay Canadian X Party Boy

Friday, January 28, 2005

Clarity, insight, visions of the future!

Ahhh Blogging! Its been almost two years since I started this! I was reading back through my comments section! I do love all the people who comment. My Blog Friends! All the words of encouragement and friendly advice, warm hearted good wishes you name it to the occasional criticism I love it! You all have helped me and inturn reading about all of you has helped me as well! The amount of people who stop by grows every day! It amazes me the different people who stop by! One thing I truly like about this is that I reach out and people respond to me! This place is all about me and my life and can at times seem like a big old bunch of drama I know this! It is my life take it or leave it! Believe me I at times would like to leave it but hey that would be giving up! I'm not about that So I keep going and you all get to here about it! So there! Ha LOL So thanks for the comments and being there and sharing with me!

Hugz to all you!

Cold freezing up here! Like I always say its times like this when its so dam cold I wish I hadn't moved to Toronto from Vancouver! C'mon its never cold there and it doesn't rain as much as most think! The grass stays green and some of the trees never loose there leaves! But serious though I love Toronto and it is the biggest city in Canada.I have many opportunities here that I wouldn't give up for Vancouver and friends that I value I was asked the other day do you think you will ever go back! I don't!

So as per usual I've Been busy doing some volunteer work!
Here are some of the things I'm up to! A few of many things I will be helping with the comeing year!

I had worked on the poster Flyer campain for a fund raiser called Come Together 2005 to help with the big disaster is South east Asia! Simone Denny who sings the song for Queer Eye was there! She is so Fun! Love her we talked a bit and reminisced about a party she helped with the year before called The Red Party! A fund raiser for Canfar! I should post the pic of myself and Jai from Queer Eye! Again, funny thing is I don't remember even meeting him I was way to drunk! Fun time one of few I've had when drinking the past few years!

It was not a bad party! To bad it was so cold! I got to see my fave singer and chat with her! Also there was some of Torontos top DJS including a friend of mine and someone I help out sometimes with parties she and her fab gal are involved with! DJTK I also chatted with another DJ who is taking over the gay clubs here in Toronoto! DJ deko-ze
I hope that this year he is at the Red Party 2005 I have suggested to the ones in the know that I think he should be asked to DJ we will see if he is! I'm sure the party will be a hit if he is asked to DJ, So far every event he is involved with and club is doing very well! I'm not one to pay much attension to the music! I do know when its bad I'm more into the space and who is there!

I'm also helping with other Canfar projects! Yesterday I spent a few hours helping put together this

"Have a Heart

What is Have a Heart?
CANFAR?s National Youth Awareness Program encouraging youth leadership skills while increasing awareness of HIV/AIDS and the need to fund research for a cure.
CANFAR?s National Youth Awareness Program encouraging youth leadership skills while increasing awareness of HIV/AIDS and the need to fund research for a cure.

How does it work?
For a minimum donation of $1, students at schools nationwide send Heart o? Grams to each other on Valentine?s Day. (A Heart o? Gram consists of a clear Have a Heart bag filled with a Valentine?s treat, a customized campaign iron-on, a colourful HIV/AIDS information pamphlet and a sticker with space to write a message to your friend.) CANFAR supplies campaign materials at no cost to participating schools. Students generate enthusiasm and awareness, with accompanying events, while raising funds specifically for HIV/AIDS research projects.
Who participates?
Have a Heart is a major Valentine?s event for hundreds of junior high schools, high schools, universities and colleges across Canada. An enthusiastic 770 schools participated during the last Have a Heart campaign. Have a Heart reached 675,000 youth with important HIV/AIDS information while raising $84,000 for research. Our goal for 2005 is to reach a million youth in over 1,000 schools to increase HIV/AIDS awareness in 2005.
Why become involved?
Half of new HIV infections are in people 24 and under. The average age of infection has dropped from 32 to 23 putting youth at serious risk. Each of you has choices around your sexuality, but it is important to be informed of the modes of transmission and ways to protect yourself from HIV infection"

It's a good thing and I am Happy to help! It was great to get a glimpse into the office culture something I think I could do on a more regular basis! Hmmm I'm thinking about a job again good sign! This is so true I know so many guys who are poz infact many are in there early 20's its sad and something that has to stop! It was hard to be there reminded every second about HIV but I need to do things like this and the people there are great! I plan on helping the next few days at there office..Oh boy a million lots of work to do the next few weeks I love it!

I'm very proud of the volunteer work I do! If fact it was a goal of mine when I came out to help other gay people and I am doing it and have been for a few years now! One thing in life that I planned on doing and have and am continuing to do I'm happy about this!

If all that was not enough I'm also helping again this years for another ACT fundraiser Called SNAP
I'm doing some poster and flyering! For the event! This year I also will help at the event the night of! Very excited about this one! All the top notch people in the community will be there! I love the fine things in life and culture! I'm a people watcher and observer of Society! Love it! Plus I'm into photography! Took a class in Hi school I think I'm going to try and get back into it! Hmmmm

Ok its 530 am I need to get some more sleep! I don't know what is wrong with me I can't seem to sleep more than 4 hours or so at a time! I used to be able to sleep for 10+ hours at a time! IS the age factor playing in here or is it the meds I don't know! I'm getting night sweats again I do know that is wakeing me up! Its one nasty side effect of being poz you wake up through out the night wet from sweat! I have to change my shirt several times a night sometimes up to 4 or more! Not good yet another reason to use a condom and not play around with your future! Please think twice take it from some one who knows its not worth it! I played and lost don't the reality is not fun! I would much rather not have to deal with this every day! I'm torn sometimes because there are certain things in life HIV has done for me certain people I would have never met that kind of thing would I trade it all for not having it! Good question!

I'm outz need some sleep so I can get back to Canfar and help!

I think one of the things that keeps me going is that I know things could be worse! I've had a lot to deal with over the years! Growing up with a drug addict single mother, from leaving home when I was 14, and then staying in foster care on my own decision to do so, having to sue my mother to release custody of me! Only to have her show up late to the court room! Dealing with this so early in my life affected me very much so much that I was very alone as a child and teenager! The fact I moved every few months and changed schools several times a year made it very hard to establish friends at all when I was a teenager! I think I learned at an early age to block others out of my life and to deal with emotions the only way I could to dull them with alcohol and drugs! I started drinking Vodka and beer when I was fifteen, in fact when I was a teen I was drunk every weekend and hi on pot most days! After getting through all that and dealing with being gay and having to do it all on my own I had my first apartment when I was 15! 31 now so its been over half my life I'm the one calling the shots! I don't know if I can blame anyone for my problems! I think the fact I've had a very hard time of it has very much a lot to do with my mother and the shit she put me through! But when I started to screw up on my own doing was when I let being gay and the party life take over what I wanted in life! You see there was I time when I was in University had kicked the teenage bad habits and really had a future! Planned out that is! Then I got online and well its all history now...The internet helped me to come out! I had been watching gay porn for a few years but really after being online in the mid to lat 90's I could only look at pics and chat for so long before I wanted a man in real life! I really wish that I had a clearer head to deal with being gay! I hid it for years, and seen as I was on the edge with drug and alcohol all I needed was that push to get into a destructive life style again! I had beat this before and always had known I could! You know I don't blame being gay on my problems but it sure does have a lot to do with it! Already having a fucked up life I think put me over the edge! And after loosing the love of my life after a year when I was 24 I started a six year binge in gay clubs/bars/baths! There where times through out those years when I was in more control but most often it was chaos never knowing where I was going and what the next day would bring me! And very much feeling alone and depressed never letting anyone in! Pushing the ones away that tried to get in to my head! You see there are so many things that I could talk about on here and doing this has helped me to no end blogging! My point being that I know things can be worse so when I'm feeling down and sad or sorry for my self I know I will make it seen as I've had to over come so much my entire life! I find myself now after living a life that could compare to many combined with my experiences that is, I can only take my pain serious to a point knowing what I've been through helps but the thing I'm trying to do now is to truly learn from my past and to be strong and not let it keep me down and hold me back! I really think I've got to a critical point in my life where If I don't do it this time there won't be another chance! I for the first time have a good home, something I've been searching for my entire life! My room-mate is the best she means the world to me! I am going on here! So life brings me yet another chance I'm going to learn from my mistakes again and this time after so many years of darkness I really feel I am going forward for the first time in 9 years! It feels good! I'm scared so scared I'll screw it up again! I can't its my life at stake here, having HIV, and my pancreas problems has put things in perspective, helped to get me into a state of mind that no longer feels I'm invincible! That I couldn't abuse my self as much as I wanted and there wouldn't always be A next day! I've come close to the end a few times, and now have to go in hospital to have tree operations at one time to fix my body from all the abuse I've done to me! You get a new look on life after spending months in hospital! I really want to be here! After fighting life for so long its hard to really grasp what I'm thinking now! Its new to me and scary, I'll succeed I always do if I want something bad enough!

Ok don't know why this came out a me! I'm going through some hard times facing this operation in a few weeks! Life, mortality that kind a thing!

I'm outz!


Thursday, January 27, 2005

Are not things supposed to get better as you get older?

Sometimes I really would like to know why my life had to turn out the way it did!

More than likely being born to a teenage mother has a lot to do with it!, the thing that gets me every day is why I can't seem to get out of this continuous cycle of nothingness! I keep trying I'm starting to think I don't know how to get what I want in life! So after I heal from my operations next month I'm going to make a point of trying new things, new ways of getting what I want in life! First thing would be to figure out what I want?

The only possible answer is that what I'm doing now is not working, so the obvious thing would be to change do the opposite! I don't know why couldn't it be easier?

You see I didn't think I would make it this long! I had planned on drooping out of this world long ago! The path I was on was a one way street to killing my self! Now that I seem to not be dead from HIV and have managed to get of the the booze and drugs! I'm starting to ponder a future that I never had before! Make sense? I was a day to day guy allways only concerned about the next night out! Now that I see a future for the first time in years I don't know what to do!


Friday, January 21, 2005

This post was inspried by one of the Bloggers, I found some time ago who is one of the blogger who inspired me to share my life, He has once again shared something I find I to have in commen and felt I should comment on I was trying to do it in his comments but as I usually do ended up with way to much on it for a comment so I am commjenting below
Here is my post on his entry a very moveing post unfotunately something many of us who are poz have in commen! Thanks for shareing this and not giveing up on blogging I can't tell you how much its helped to read about other guys and what they have been through it makes me feel like I'm not so alone! As well by inspireing myself I've been able to impart the same on others by shareing what I've been through others have been conforted to know they are not aslone in there life experiances!

Comment on Worldwide Ryans post
I feel you there! I to was deceived by a man who was well aware he was positive! He was nothing like the guy who infected you! I don't understand men like this, Did he know he was positive? The guy who I think gave it to me several years later when he was homeless here in Toronto after moving here from Montréal where he went after he left me here, I ran into him offered to help, he told me he was positive, said I told you back then 5 years or so back! I just looked at him, I was not shocked but just blank...He didn't evan remember lying to me, I kicked him back out on the street where he had left me five years before when we had moved to Toronto! from Vancouver.
I do understand why he may not have told me, the fear of rejection to avoid hurt and pain! But that should have been my choice I would have been there had he told me! I don't know about you but I was well aware of HIV back then I only wished I was more careful and a little less trusting or naive you could say!
Wow ! Thanks for sharing!
I run into this guy some times, its sad he was in a very bad car accident shortly after he left me in Montreal..It turns out he was hi very hi on drugs we had from Vancouver the drugs I had got for us to sell to try and make some cash to get away from the drug life, In a way it was sad in a way not! I was told by him he had stopped the sad thing is I was so out of it on the trip here I didn't notice he was hi most of the time! He had drove us from Vancouver to Toronto via the states in three days or so No wonder he never wanted to stop and sleep! I'm lucky he didn't get us both killed! Its to bad he didn't stop the drugs he is now crippled with a bad leg and can barely walk! Now he has a cain! The thing is he was a very sexy man! I truly did care for him but are relationship was based on lies and drugs! After he left me I shortly ended up in hospital! The thing is I was very sick for a few months before we moved to Toronto, One time I was in the hospital with a rash a very bad rash! It turns out I had converted, hiv had taken over my body! I remember him telling me in the hospital how mad he was and him warning me that if I gave him anything he would kill me! Hmm funny how things got all turned around! Now I don't with him bad but after this car wreck he got him self in he is no where near the man he was and now much less likely to attract and more guys I may add in there prime as I was and then strike them down HIV...Its to bad to I see him on occasion at our local Aids Committee office the one I volunteer for several times a year! I just ignore him and do my thing I know it pisses him, I couldn't be bothered to talk to him!


Wednesday, January 19, 2005

Ok after a night and day of hell I'm ok! Refer to previous post. Body felt like it was out of mind or mind out of body! Can you say hyperventilating! muscle spasms, numbness in all parts of my body! Hyper sensitization to everything! Hmmm that will teach me for being a lazy ass and not getting to the drugs store hey a day of pain med withdrawal will toughen ya up! Hey when you don't know what's worse the dam pain you are trying to fight or the bloody drug withdrawals from the one thing that helps fight the dam pain! Now am I going to end up like several others in the world with a bad habit afterwards! You name it I've done it many many times and when I say many there is a reason why I call this Blog X Party Boy! I've been on all sides of the party world. So when I say I have experience with this stuff trust me I was on every side of the party business at one time or other but no chemical was like how I felt when coming down of the pain med than ever before! I tell ya! It was a son of a bitch, in fact I was at the docs office Monday morning and I couldn't breath or talk, I got my meds from the pharmacy and then started to relax I was in so much pain but the withdraws seemed to help distract me from it Plus seen as I've been in this pain for 2 + years I've come to control or tolerate A Higher level of pain, mind over body. That kind of thing...Oh it was strange the feeling, it was sort of like a real bad trip on E and LSD combined plus all the twitching from coke or crystal hec add some K or G in there to! I've had many days when there was a combination of several or all in me at one time! Get the point not fun! My doc warned me but I was not expecting it to be this bad, I'm confidant that once I have this operation I should be off the meds slowly we plan to reduce the amount I'm on till I no longer take it! Oh boy an other battle I shall no dought win but one I'm not to happy to have burdened with considering what I've been through. I only hope that this will be my last trip to the hospital for some time! Note: I had said it was my appendix coming out oops did I say that? I should have said my gull bladder, hmm that would explain the gull stones the doc talked about and his assistant told me today when we talked about my pre operative appointment next week that the cause of my pancreatites may be from in part due to the gallbladder and or stones, Hmm I love it when I get more info out of the help! Heck why she should be there helping with the operation scalpel please secretary Betty boo! Whatever serious though I'm 100% freaking scared out a my mind I was talking to my roommate today about a will and what to do with my stuff If I should not make it, you know Die Bite the big one! Ascend to nothing ness! Dramatic yes but when you sign a form talking about severing a major artery in your body and removing parts of you and then cutting your stomach open and stitching another organ to it! C'mon plus there is the hernia that was caused the first time when I had a gad awful tube coming out a me! Did I ever mention on here how it started to leek bile or gastric fluids out around the surface of the tube and then ooze out of me onto my lower stomach around my belly button and then proceed to eat away at my flesh! Lovely isn't it! And you think its your liver that gets all fucked up from drinking and drugs well think twice! Its your entire body one part or another will give out if you abuse your self on a daily basis! Oh if I had only known how dreadfully cliché! I know but this is me going through my thoughts about the whole dam thing! I put down here a constant flow out of me one thought triggers the next and so on! But its long and I need to get back to my SG-1 SE7 EP10 Remember the one where the frozen aliens where all in Daniels head and the boy was one of them I was in tears when the father told him he would have to sacrifice him! That's one thing I missed in life was a father I still ponder what it would have been like to have a father! Ya there was the boyfriends my mother took home but it wasn't the same! Anyway I don't get into my screwed up family on here for a good reason I can't put myself through it I forget for good reason! That's that!

ok so I'm outz!!!


Sunday, January 16, 2005

Ok don't ask me how I found this but I did and its funny! At least at 5:30am and in between sgi-1 se06 episodes it was a good break!

What is this Uber site all about I just found it! I guess I should spend less time on gay sites and more trolling the internet for things other than a man! And oh yah Bittorent files!

Ok for the ones out there who may be offended I posted such a link in Canada we don't use the term Midgets I think its something else like short people I don't know but I know its just like we don't us the word retarded here like the USA does its considered politically incorrect or out dated! I'll never forget one time I was in Seattle and saw a Van that had on the side "Van for the Retarded" I then knew I was for sure in the USA...Its funny how things are so different yet so the same!


Saturday, January 15, 2005

Wow I love my computer!

Curious what I've been up to other than freezing my ass among other parts here in the frozen north of America. Well through my fab hi speed cable connection to the rest of the world with my self souped up computer that I've managed to take a pIII and make it play video like the best of the computers I've been Downloading via my new but not new to me Bittorent client! Bittorent is not new to me I used it back when it first started like I do most computer trends but I got iratated with the lack or the uneasiness of finding the files? Well much to my happiness I've discovered programs like Bitlord! I recommend it and a great media player the best I've found in some time with no freaking nags or set evaluation times! So oh by the way the media player Elcard Mpeg player 2.0 its great it plays every single file format including ones like XSVCD fabulous files big but the pic quality if great well worth the file download length time not that its a long time if your are linked with cable. So entire seasons of my favorite programs can be downloaded in one file! Pardon me but how fucking cool is that! I remember the day when I first was online with my 14.4 modem you young guys would not imaging how slow the internet was! My link now is thousands of times faster than it was 12 years or so ago! Imagine it taking hours to download a program like IE!

So my point is I've been busy watching entire seasons of stargate sg-1, stargate Atlantis! And of course Enterprise! Hmmm? next its going to be Farscape! Some of the files I've been downing are recorded from tv channels commercial free I might add! Thank You who ever takes the time to make them available! Thank You very very much! Farscape looks so cool and from the previews that are on some of the files that obvious sci-fi buffs left on the recordings of the shows for all to see! It look out there I love it! The advancements in tv shows are out of this world! Now to spend my time sitting at my computer watching tv! May sound like a boring thing to do! well when your someone like me who has a drinking problem! I may add my drinking is way down less than once a week for the first time in years! By choice and because I'm in more and more pain every time I do go out to the bars and drink!

So back to my bittorent story! If you don't know what that is than do a google and start learning! Its worth it and if your any bit computer savvy you should be able to figure it out! You will need the Elcard media player so you can play some of the files if you have an older computer like me! I'm not sure if the newer ones with DVD players/burners come with similar players I'm sure they do!

Its great I get lost in other worlds, great stories and so on! And stay out of trouble! I thank all the major geeks out there who make all this stuff possible! And I say geek with much admiration! The word doesn't mean what it did back when I was a teen-e-boper! Its funny how now in a modern world that the stereotype word geek that was one time used to insult oneself and others is now a word of compliment! To be a geek in our world ran bye technology is to be something to be admired! I only could imagine the brains, the guys who do this stuff know computer languages like they know English! Its just another form of communication to them! Absolutely stupendous and worthy of admiration! If I do say so and I do!

So on other fronts! I've been busy on the health front! I've had my CT scan and the follow up visit top my surgeon. My pancreas seems to be no worse but not better no dowght to my still going out to the bars! I'm really going to have to beat that sooner or later if I want to live many more years! Anyway I'm now finally scheduled to have the operation I've been putting of for the last year, in part to get my HIV under control to lesson the risk of infection, my idea I might add the doctors would have had me in the o.r. by now I'm sure. SO now that I've got the HIV under somewhat control the risk of infection if less and I am going in for surgery on Feb. 8, They are going to do it Lipo Surgery! The doc tells me unless they have a complication I should have few scars, I was happy to here this, I was under the impresion I would have a huge scar several centemeters in length! Plus the horrible hurnia will be gone so I can put on a nice form fitting T with out this bump protrudeing a few centemeters out of me! Typical fag in me is more happyt about this in a way!
No big incisions thank goodness, my stomach is going to have a Big flap of it cut open the cyst on my pancreas is going to be attached so it can now drain into my stomach rather than having a tube out of me like last time with a leg bag that drained it! Believe me it was disgusting to have to drain this bag strapped to my leg every few hours the disgusting smelly stuff! At first it was black and putrid literally rotten liquid coming out of my pancreas cyst! SO not wanting this again and a more perminant hopefully fix I'm going into get this operation that is also going to take out my appendix and fix the hernia I have from the tube that came out of me for five or so months!

I'll be ok very very nervous and scared I hope I live through this! I'n case something goes very very wrong! I would like to ask some one out there to shut down this blog I know its a strange request but its something I need done! I was reading about this on a site that hosts many poz blogs,links and the admin was curious what to do when a blogger dies! How will he know and so on! So he was thinking about it being put in a will so an executer could let him know to clear the links and delete or what ever needs doing! I on the other had would like my blog to stay up! Just say something abought that I'm not around anymore and maybe a little something I would have written in case it all goes horribly wrong! Not that it will I hope and believe me I am hoping! Trust me that this is something I try not to think about, its hard to think about your mortality, so any volunteers email me..I would ask a friend but I think an online friend would be in my better interests seen as the few people I know personally in a physical sense have used my blog against me or to manipulate me in verying degrees. Seen as I'd like to keep this as best as I can private from my friends! Very understandable! So its important to keep my anonymity to what level it is now, all be it that there are several people I know in Toronto or who know of me who read this seen as I'm very well known in the community in certain circles it wouldn't be hard to figure out who I am...I'm ok with that but I'd rather keep it to where it is now! In fact I've been forced to not put several things in here due to the fact that some people I know read this and It bothers me that I can't because the info could be used to hurt me! And the stuff I could share would help others I know it! This blog was inspired to help others including my self deal with HIV,alcohol and other such abuse and how its affecting me! Anyway!

I'm doing ok I thank those who take the time to ask and email me I'm very grateful for the contacts I have trough this medium, I wouldn't stop blogging unless I was unable to in mind or body, let me know I have a feeling I know who may offer to take on this and if so please do!

I'm back to my stargate sg-1 and my fantasy world! Yes another dam exclamation mark, I'm trying to use them less I really didn't notice that I used them as often as I do, I'm thinking I must think what I have to say if profound and my points are always very much needing to be emphasized and stressed beyond what type can do, I guess by using the mark I'm expressing that what I'm saying means allot to me or I'm trying to stress on the reader that what I'm saying is emotional for me or has feelings behind the words and the exclamation mark I believe is what is to be used when you are stressing a point, and trust me I'm very stressed at times when I post on here seen as I'm dealing with some major issues and this is where I vent and explore them so If I seem excitable in my type than so be it because its the only way I know how to convey this through this format, I know print can only share my feelings to a certain point so I take it a bit further so when you see one of these ! It means what I was saying is emotional to me or is important I think I'm getting my point across I'm back to my TV shows!

Remember bittorent its way faster than winmx among others and hey you can download entire seasons of your favorite shows! IF you are inept or not computer/web savvy as I am ask me for some links and I'll guide you on your way to the fabulous world of bittorents!

Hugs to all I feel the need!

oh yah one other thing I'm pissed of royally at my self again, you all know how I need my pain meds well I was to get them refilled on Friday, didn't make it to the drug store stupid me I thought well I'll go Saturday! I get up late, to find out that its closed at 2pm screw them I'm pissed of to the max now! They are closed on Sunday! Now I know that they work hard and that its a family run business but if you want to work 6 days a week that's your problem, hire some one else to run the dam store, greed I'm sure, anyway Now I'm forced to go to the ER and beg the dam docs there to give me another prescription! I'm so pissed at myself for not getting there in time! But this is the last time! I'm going to a new drug store up the street two blocks that is open to midnight seven days a week! I'm sorry it's 2005 now and if you want to close your shop due to religious values than hire someone else to open it! Its shocking to here me say this but when it comes to my pain and things getting in the way I'm bothered seen as up the street there is and most every other pharmacy is open every day of the week and most all till midnight or 24/7, the one I go to because of convenience because my doc is in the same building is closed at 6 every day and now its not open on Sunday and closed at 2pm on Saturday...Um no no I'm going to start going up the street! I could use the walk and its only 5mins at best anyway! Sometimes I'm lazy I admit it and well I've had my rant but I guess Its there business to close when they want and they are great to me and well I'm just irritated at myself and that's that I'm to blame but still they are closed and there is a place up the street I could go to! But then they do fill in my prescriptions sometimes early for me so I guess I will have to keep going to them and they are very good people I just don't understand why they don't hire some other staff to open like all the other places! Maybe they are not busy enough to hire more people but could that be because they are closed when other places are open I wonder if they are hurting there business in the long run! Dam it I just remembered my doc is now sending my scips to the pharmacy on line! If he hadn't I would have the paper one and could have gone elswhere! Crist this is when the online world can get in the way! I tell ya its worth it but in this case I'm happy with the good old fashioned paper prescription from my doctore the way its been done for years has its god points! this situation for example avoided entirelly! Note to myself tell the doc to no longer send them I want it in paper! thank you very much

I'm outz

to my TV hey its been my constant companion sich I was a kid in front of it for hours watching seseme street! C is for cookie that is good enough for me! Ha remember that one!


I'm outz

grassrooter (GRAHS-root'-ur) n. A person who can rim themselves, i.e. lick around or in their own bunghole. So named because they are only one swift, decisive move from becoming a politician.

Oh this is way to funny I though you may want this after my all so to often in part gloomy post!

I found this on a web site called Hoot Island! Silly sex for silly people!

Funny how I find people on line I found the above site on this site through this site who commented of me on there site! I love it I couldn't imagine a life with out being on line! And yes I am now looking at how I post and my use of this !!!!! Eh Um thank you very much by the way You for pointing this out to me! Its not like I worry about far to many other things in my life to have something else to think about! Yes they are everywhere!!!!!
that's it for this topic but really I seem to not be able to get this out of my head, I do think I have figured out this not so proper use of the exclamation Marc? I do hope so or I'll be on this for a while Did I ever let on that I'm a bit obsessive compulsive! Self diagnosed by the way? So don't look into it to much

Ok I'm back to my endless hours of SC-FI, you know it I love it. Yah


Monday, January 03, 2005

Uneventful New Years so far! Its cold here and winter! I'm looking forward to the Sun coming back! Its funny a few years back I couldn't wait till it got dark and stayed dark! I find I'm now more of a day person! All though there is still my appreciation for the night! I will allays love the dark there is something about the night that the day will never have for me! AT night everything is less harsh, easier to take in the lines are less defined things are less complicated no t as much to take in!

Three more days till my latest CT scan! I'm looking forward to it! As this is the last first step to my pancreas problem being solved I hope! I have to look up the surgery I'm having and get something on here! I do know that I will be in there for three weeks and recovery is going to be a bitch! I've put it off for to long! What's a month of my time when I could have freedom form this pain its such a burden and hold me back more often that I like to admit!

So the little old lady I was helping to take care of her cat is back now from her holiday with her family! She was so happy with my job! It was a good feeling to help her and make it possible to visit her family! I know at that age every time you get to spend with the ones you care about is precious! A good thing done! I'm happy! She is that's al that matters!

one thing that is getting me down I want to share! Need some help on from my poz blog buddies! Been dating this guy! Told him after the fact I was poz! Big drama I know! We talked it out, he continued to pursue me! Wanted to see me! Its been a month! We have seen each other twice this last month! He seems to be very nervous about being with me sexually! Scared in a way! This is really hurting me! I understand his fear! But where does this leave me! I've been over this in my mind so many times! My last long term boyfriend ended up poz! From me! Something I don't hide and have shared here before! So I find myself at the point where I have told him I think we should just be friends! He is only 20 (I'm 31) to and I feel this is another issue! He spent the night here and would hardly touch me! I was in tears inside! I don't understand him! He calls me all the time wants to be around me! But then there is this wall that goes up and its about hiv! I know it! He has let me know in his way! Why does he want to be with me! I'm the face of hiv! Its a part of me if I want it or not! So what do I do! I've told him that I think we should just be friends, left a long message for him to call me we have to talk! I think like I've been told by a few of my poz friends they say only date other poz guys way less complications! But why is this the way it has to be! I've been on both sides and have the sad reality of knowing I passed it on! I don't think I could handle that again! I think I Need to tell him to just go away! He reminds me of myself, at his age! We have lots in common with are past! He seems to really like me! I don't know what to do! The whole thing pisses me of the hiv is on my mind I can never forget it! It's reminded to me every day at noon and then at midnight 365 days a year when I reach for the pill bottles! What am I thinking! Should I even ask some one to take the risk! Is it worth it! Am I! This sucks! I hate my self my life some times!

I'm outz


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