Friday, December 31, 2004
to change! Love! And peace!
Wednesday, December 29, 2004
Tuesday, December 28, 2004
I have to say one of the most fab posts I've seen in a while! A new blog for me check him out and all his fabulousness!
Again this is so true thank you to another new blog I have just found for showing me another site to get my fill on ego one ups!
You have no tears. You have a strong spirit that is
always seeked to lean on. You never cause the
world sorrow and keep striving for what you
want. Good for you! You are a good friend and
nobody ever sees the secret tears that fall
from your eyes. You may be sad, but do not show
it until someone can see into your soul. You
may possibly be a deep person and can never be
to trusting. It takes a while for people to
know you and your strong personality draws
people to lean on you for help.
What Color Are Your Tears?
brought to you by Quizilla
Found this site at Something Worse Than Death The guy seems to be going through some heart ache! We all know how that feels I wish him well!
ok now why would I have an issue with porn I love it I think I was just surprised to see the word!
Ok last of the test results but I love it do the Word Association Test its great try it a few times its so true that ANSWER DELAY OFTEN CORRESPONDS TO ISSUES WITH THAT WORD, this site is so cool, if anything I find this kind of study stuff what brings people closer together when we can see that we at most times feel the same way have the same problems and want the same things! We are more alike than we know! Its to bad the people around the world killing each other couldn't realize this! Stop it people we are over here look at us for guidance please!
The first dam time I did spell check and it said no errors I couldn't believe it! I spend more time correcting my spelling that I do creating my posts plus its always the same dam words I spell wrong it drives my mad!
Freud Inventory Test Results
Oral (dependence) |||||||||||||| 56%
Anal (self control) |||||||||| 33%
Phallic (sexuality) |||||||||||||||||| 73%
Latency (learning) |||||||||||||||| 66%
Genital (productivity) |||||||||||||||| 63%
Oral: you appear to have a good balance of independence and interdependence knowing when to accept help and when to do things on your own.
Anal: you appear to be overly lacking in self control and organization, and possibly have a compulsive need to defy authority. If you are too scatterbrained, you will not develop much as a person as you will habitually switch paths before you ever learn anything.
Phallic: you appear to have issues with controlling your sexual desires and possibly fidelity.
Latency: you appear to be afraid or averse to present or future real world responsibilities, this will only make your inevitable transition more difficult, so learn to deal with the real world.
Genital: you appear to have a progressive and openminded outlook on life unbeholden to regressive forces like traditional authority and convention.
Freuds theorized that there are 5 stages of psychological development. At the oral stage the main issue is dependency, at the anal stage the main issue is self control, at the phallic stage the main issue is sexual identity, at the latency stage it's skill development, and at the genital stage its creativity and productivity.
Freud theorized that psychological problems are related to problems during one or more of these stages. For example, being too cared for or too neglected causes someone to be orally fixated, too much or too little control causes someone to be anally fixated, insufficient parental role modeling causes phallic fixation.
An orally fixated person is either irrationally dependent (expects what they want to just appear) or irrationally independent (always refuses help).
An anally fixated person is either irrationally self controlled and servile to authority or has no self control and is compulsively defiant of authority.
A phallicly fixated person is either a sexual compulsive (sexually innappropriate/promiscuous) or sexually repressed.
Freud did not classify any latent fixation but I think it is as plausible as those at the other stages. I speculate that people that like to learn and acquire knowledge without any purpose or people that are compulsively non curious represent both dysfunctional ends of the latency spectrum.
The genital stage is the final Freudian developmental stage and according to Freud people don't all succeed at this. Freud believed the ideal for human happiness is to be happy in love and work, problems in one or the other cause unhappiness.
Like any personality system, Freud's developmental levels are just a theory, so, be speculative about your results.
This is so me the part in the results that states ability to explain their ideas verbally its so true in my case more and more I find my lack of education in the official manner a handicap! I lack the academic mentality! I took so much pride in the fact I could say I was an Academic when I was in University! I should go back! I need to go back! I think I would grow so much! And now that I have this coming out and gay thing behind me I really think I could concentrate on it! You see the first time I was there it helped me to come out the whole university mentality liberated me! As it does so many people who grow up in small town cities! When you are exposed to the mind expanding ideas on The liberal arts its life changing! I feel the urge to be more educated to be able to express my ideas in a more efficient way! I get so irritated at times when what is in my head just wont come out because I'm unable to verbalize my thoughts! Oh its often the times I just sound stupid when realy I can run circles around most people I know!
Brain Lateralization Test Results
Right Brain |||||||||||| 50%
Left Brain |||||||||||| 42%
*results won't usually add up to 100% as this test measures each side seperately
Left brain dominant individuals are more orderly, literal, articulate, and to the point. They are good at understanding directions and anything that is explicit and logical. They can have trouble comprehending emotions and abstract concepts, they can feel lost when things are not clear, doubting anything that is not stated and proven.
Right brain dominant individuals are more visual and intuitive. They are better at summarizing multiple points, picking up on what's not said, visualizing things, and making things up. They can lack attention to detail, directness, organization, and the ability to explain their ideas verbally, leaving them unable to communicate effectively.
Overall you appear to be Right Brain Dominant
According to Darwinian theory, optimal evolution takes place with random variation and selective retention. The evolution savvy individual will try many different approaches when faced with a problem and select the best of those approaches. Many historical intellectuals have confessed their advantage was simply considering/exploring/trying more approaches than others. The left brain dominant type suffers from limited approaches, narrow-mindedness. The right brain dominant type suffers from too many approaches, scatterbrained. To maintain balanced hemispheres, you need to exercise both variability and selection. Just as a company will have more chance of finding a great candidate by increasing their applicant pool, an individual who considers a wider set of options is more likely to make quality decisions. (I love this stuff(
similarminds.com This place kicks ass I am all into this sort of thing study of the mind and so on!
Monday, December 27, 2004
Ok like I said before I've been on this marathon tv show kick hey why not its freezing as a ice box here so who need to go out, my excuse and I'm sticking with it! So I'm watching one of are fab music video channels that have turned into slash reality tv shows! To Death Do us Part with Carmen Electra and Dave from Jane's Addiction! Well what do I see but Dave having an enema mmmm well like I need to see that! It makes me think, I mean I've gave myself my fare share of them for reasons obvious to any gay man! But to have another guy do it or a women yuk! The thing is there was this one time I was with a friend who is into fisting! He is also some what of a enema expert fitting I know! So seeing the after or the process and doing it to myself its enough for me but who can decide Hmmm I think I want to do this for a job lets pump out peoples asses all day woooo Hooo sounds like fun! Hey I guess it could be worse at least there still alive now could you imaging working in a morgue ewwww! My grandmother was a hair dresser for over 30 years Hey go figure I grew up in a hair parlor half my life! The stories I can tell you about a small town BC ladies getting there hair done! But back to my dear old Grandmother I miss her so much! She was the only one in my childhood life that cared! Anyway she would tell me how she spent 40 years doing these ladies hair and then helped at the end and did there hair when they died! I remember her saying how peaceful they looked! Now I wonder who did her hair! I hope it was beautiful! Seen as she spent her entire life helping people to look beautiful and never thinking once about her self! I hope one day to get to see her at her grave I never found out she had died till six months after! On christmas day of all days! It was a bad bad day! I was in shock and mourned for months! Till this day every time I wash my hair or think about her! So many things remind me of her I miss her so!
Some thing I found while I explored the links to my Blog through site meter! It always amazes me the things I find while going over what others put into google among other search engines to find there way to me this was one of the more educational sites that I came across!
Wow do I need to get out! I was in a mood on the 24th ended up going out! Went to a few spas at the end of the night sad sorry state of affairs I tell yah! The baths on Christmas eve are pathetic! I left them the two I was at with more of a chip on my shoulder than ever! I was nothing but sad for sure that I even went! Who knows maybe next year I will share this time a year with someone special! It seems to be a far and fleeting wish! Who knows I just don't feel like I have much to offer and I think its more and more true the longer it goes on like this I mean I've not met anyone in months except a guy at the bath with his drugged out self but in the air only concerned about the size of my cock and not anything about who I was just a dick to satisfy his but! Don't get me wrong I was very willing to help and am its just its empty and meaningless at the end of the night I want more! That long walk home feels empty and sad more so after a few hours at the bath! I don't feel I'm asking for to much! But when you are in the gay community its hard You have to measure up to a standard have a certain job! a certain income! You know the same thing everything looks for some one who has something to offer!, when your unemployed and have hiv with lingering other health issues it makes it very hard to find interested guys! Like usual when I start to tell some one I meet about who I am they loose interest very fast! Why bother I don't understand why I am feeling this way I think its this time of year that upsets me I know it is! This is why I don't like it! I feel down a lot of the time to begin with and to be reminded of what I don't have on a minute to minute basis is to much to bare! Oh I'm sorry I'm not a big laugh now I don't think I am a good read sad sad! But I don't post here for the ones reading I do it to try to get my feeling out there and explore them! To work through my subconscious mind and try and find a balance in my life! Of course I don't mind sharing with you this is why I do this on line! Your always welcome to my mind/life/ take it how you may! its me?
Wake me up out of a great sleep meow freaking meow! How demanding can one cat be! Oh my god! And this poor old lady I'm cat sitting for If I had the energy I would clean here little apartment! Its so sad to see what people let there parents end up with! Her son she is visiting is a university professor! I can't believe he would let her live in such a place its so small the size of a dorm room! The poor women was telling me about her house that was in one of the finer areas in Toronto and her pool ect to live in a little box now I feel so bad for her! I think I may ask her if she would like help to clean her home when she gets back I'll do it for very cheap its just awful to see a women live is such filth the poor lady can not clean up she has arthritis I'm sure it is hard to sit around and see such filth and be to sick to clean up! I can only hope that the day comes when I'm not well enough to clean up after me that I have some one there! I know the day is coming when I loose my battle with HIV! My only hope is that a cure is found but until then I will accept my fate and live my life to the best of my abilities that has not been going to well the last few months! It's been very hard to live with the amount of money I have coming in! Its sad really, to the point I've been contemplating the idea of selling my but! I have friends that do it and there seems to be a lot of money involved the thing is I just don't think I could do it! I don't know it seems to be the thing not to do! Well I really wouldn't but when your suffering for cash it sure seems tempting! Plus the HIV thing would get in the way although I know of escorts who are positve and don't tell there customers! How would some one deal with that it all seems to complicated to me! I have a hard time as it is when I meet some one getting that out in the open the fear of rejection in very strong and upseting! In fact I avoid men most ofthen just to not to have to go through it all together!
Oh my on another note I've been on eBay a lot the last few weeks I can't believe what I have found! I have a thing for moto cross gear and well never have been able to afford it but I tell yah! On eBay its cheap I've got my self a pair of Joe Rocket Hustler leather pants for 45us with shipping it comes to 65us not bad seen as there 200 plus retail and there new never used so I'm happy they should be here in a week or so if all goes well at customs! I'm glad I'm not in the USA I here it takes months for things to come the other way through customs from Canada! The whole thing was a big learning curve papal, my bank account credit cards it goes on and on!
I hope to get one leather item a month or something that I can add to my so called as What Not To Ware puts it investment pieces!
The leather pants look hot and my size 30/32 so they should fit well! I tell yah there are a lot of fat or tall people out there you try and find a jacket or pair of leather pants out there in my size forget it! I was lucky to find this pair! I'm so excited I can't wait and the really cool thing is My darling room mate who I don't know what I would do with out! The only one who cared enough about me decided to pay for them for a Christmas gift! She means a lot to me I hope she knows that!
OK its cat time again! Cats driving me crazy the little beasts! I would love to just make a few noises get fed and then rubed all over the place and a nice scratch here and there awe the life of a cat how luxurious!
Friday, December 24, 2004
I'm like ok what ever than why is my template way different and there are all these links that if I published my blog would be on it and none of my posts or links! So I learned what they where up to and changed my password! Didn't learn my lesson and forgot to save my template after it had happen the first time! So I have my old one here for a bit till I find the energy to get the one I like back to its fine form! And trust me I will be saving my template + I'm going to go back and save all my posts in case something happens I'm just glad that who ever had my blog hi jacked didn't delete all my posts!
So I feel down on the ice the other day! Stupid me forgot my combat boots had no grip and I hurt my self bad! My entire right side is all sore and cramped up! I didn't bruise I just don't seem to have that happen to me! I tell ya its cold here and I hate it! White Christmas bah hum bug its cold and dirty and there is salt all over the place that is damaging my shoes and pants!
So I'm all by my self tonight as per usual! Since I stopped all the drinking I find my self scared to go out because I will drink and use again! Its a horrible thing I seem to isolate my self more and more often and get very lonely! I've been invited to go to a few friends but I think I will just stay home! I really don't like this time of year the pressure to be around your family, well what if you don't have one or really couldn't be bothered to see them because they are just not people you want around you! You know why if I would never want them as friends because there family do I have to accept them! I don't think so! Plus there on the other side of the country in British Columbia! I have made my self unreachable by not having a listed phone number for years!
Any way I some times want to go but I could never afford it it's to much to keep food in the cost to go out west would and is not something I could afford being in the health condition I am in I can't work because I can't hold down a job with the pain I'm in plus the fact I could get sick at any time! Plus I'm in and out of the hospital! I hope to have this pancreas fixed in January and start a job in the spring after I'm healed its going to take a few months and in bed for weeks! I'm scared as hell! I'm in hospital for a CT scan Jan 6 and from there they plan there surgery! I'm glad in a few ways I'll start the slow process of getting of the pain meds and hopefully I will not be in pain and then can start to live my life more the way I want to!
So I'm looking after my room mates cat and a older women's cat that I was hired to do by a little business my roommate started up cat sitting! Seen as I'm here and she is not I offered to help out the little old lady! It was funny I couldn't sleep last night so I went to her apartment at 4am thinking she had left for Montreal to visit her family! Well she was still there, the poor old lady almost had a heart attack I Tel you it was the funniest thing! She was happy in a way because she at least now knows that I will be there to feed her Cat!
SO I was invited to a guys place to celebrate the holiday or what ever so I think I will go the thing is he will have other guys there plus I used to sleep with him he dumped me for a younger guy and then a few years later he keeps asking me to come over and fuck his but! I can tell he wants my dick tonight when he asked I could see it in his eye! The thing is I'd rather not plus I want to go to the bath house I have the last few years its kinda sad but hey at least I will not be alone and at the same time get some good sex!
Have a great time with the holiday and have a great new year for sure that is the time I like to celebrate so have a frikin awesome new year and have a few drinks for me!
Tuesday, December 07, 2004
email me please
C'mon I am just blown away by how gay everything is now! If I was a 19 year old hey why not 16 year old and lived today I would have had more than likely had many less problems than I have have now to be a young gay man now must be great! I'm 31 not that old but c'mon there is so much out there and the young guys are very educated in the ways of the world, anything they want is at there fingers! I grew up with computers from early grade school, and have seen the internet grow over the years, back when I was first on line it would take an hour to download a pic, I'm talking 14.4 modems or slower! I was first hooked to the online world on BB, the kind that a few guys ran in your home town! Bulletin Boards! Remember the games you played D&D text kinds now what was the name of the one I liked, Hmmm that was the good old days when you had satellite linked B&Bs when you posted a comment and waited for the host to link to a network and transfer your post and then wait for a reply! comes some times weeks later! So my point being I'm a geek a sexy geek, but imagine if I was out in my teens! I mean I was in my closed mind, It hurt so much back then and to wait till I was 23! I came out full on mind you, Hmm the mind goes places when you think about how things could have been! I still hold back! Why I live in the biggest gay country in the world! You can marry here! Same sex benefits are a given almost everywhere in Canada! I can watch 24 hour porn on Cable, there are gay people everywhere! Yet I'm alone...What am I doing! Do I dare start looking, take the risk! I'm looking any one interested? Want to know some things about me! Sexual! C'mon I know some of ya have Been dying to know! Ok I'm a top most often! Got a 7 more to the side of 8 inch very nice dick! I mean every guy loves it! I'm not vain I'm just passing on what I'm told! I know how to use my gift very well! Talented in the bedroom, or where ever I am! Like it anywhere, into everything! You name it! No limitations try everything several times! Ok get it! I'm very open to ideas! Love it Hard, long nasty! Wet! Very Wet some times!....Like bath houses walking around with no towel Jerking of all over the place! Into porn! Download porn all the time! C'mon I was the guy who got the guys from Buckleroos here to Toronto! Have Owen Hawks jock! Put it on all the time! Num num! Jerk of some times, like to wait to share a big load! Want more! Ok I'm starting to let it all out on here!
On an other note I want to go to Egypt so very bad one day! I would do anything to go there! I'm in love with the place to see the ruins from the past few thousand years! Climb up one of the pyramids, have sex on one would be a freaking dream! Ouch that is a thought, If I ever get to produce porn I should Hmmm keep my ideas to myself! Not letting others take credit or steal your ideas is a good thing!
I've done porn, ask me real nice and I'll direct you to the site you can see me on! Big surprise! for some maybe! Hmmm well after this post I'll let you all cool down! I've been holding back on here for some time because I know certain people are reading this Blog well not any more! If your reading this and you know me, I can tell some thing slips its funny really when you know some one reads your blog and they can't control that they know something and you know you didn't tell them the info! Its strange, my reality as I choose it! I am everything I want myself to be, life is what I make it! I'm learning things..I most often get what I want, make things happen! People follow me! Its time to take a more active role in my life! I'm starting it I can feel it! It's coming out of me in every way! A rebirth call it what you want! I'm back!
Monday, December 06, 2004
So its been good I've been resting and staying out a the clubs! And away from the ones who would bring me down!, I'm lonely but happy some what! I feel its time to start rebuilding some of the friendships that I've been neglecting this past summer! I only hope that they are not tired of me coming and going out of there lives! Some one put it to me this way and I think was talking indirectly about me to me! Some thing I think women are good at you know the suttle hints, the thing is you should not expect friends to invest time and energy into a friendship if you just disappear for months or years come into there lives for a few weeks and then disappear again or should you? Is the sign of a good friendship one that would let ones friendship drift in and out! I mean I've allways been one of the believe that friends are for ever when you find a true friend that its something that will never leave you! Its a connection a bond a form of love that is very strong! Is it not!
Ok Of to bed...
plus here is a post below that I though I had lost but found it saved on my hard drive yah because I think its one of my best posts to date!
Night night all!
Anyways, he's a party boy but a reflective, introspective one. Well, a stream-of-conscience introspective one. It's odd, but worth a read. It's Gay Canadian X Party Boy. Check him out.
A Little sumthin that I found about me and my blog!
I had seen it before some time ago, I remember thinking back then that I was not sure how to take this comment! I was just happy to have known that some one was reading my blog! But after months of thinking/life, I'm curious how many others that read this blog/my life find me odd? Ok
Plus I am asking anyone who lives here in Toronto to email me! I'm doing a little research project about Gay Toronto! And need some input/interview to gather some initial info to find out if what I'm planning is feasible....
Feeling good! Life is never boring when I want it to be!
Fruit loops well the count is now up to 15 boxes
ouch I think I'm getting fat! Well no but!
I cut out my 2 liter of pop a day so I think that is why I'm into the Loops so much! Getting my sugar from them! I've always been a Hi sugar intake! The hyper hyper active type! When I was a kid, have chilled but still have the hi super hi metabolism! Good genetics as I like to call them! SO my body is very efficient at running it self! Build muscle fast, hot; fast, make a good heat source in the winter while in Bed! hint get hint email me! So oh ya my point Ummm Hmm Hmm Hmm oh ya!
E gad the mouth is getting raw the cereal is to much as I'm eagerly chomping down the oh so lovely fruity scented sugar loops I some times get carried away and chomp down with to much passion and well its like sand paper in the mouth each time you ware a bit of! You know like a few bags a chips when you where a teen on some BC Bud peace man! Ya dude, anyway little known fact about me in 10th grade in math class I was hi as a kite on pot got 100 on a test first time ever! I'm smart above average IQ but never 100% at a math test it just bores me , I'm into the social sciences big time! Distractions abound tonight! I'm freaking tired I tell you busy busy today with another fund raiser event! SO I would like to ask the silly folks who waste there time on my life's drama How boring am I anyway, serious! I am very curious! Odd me C'mon now Sexy hot but! big dicked mother Fucker would be bang on! Ask and you shall see! who know me in this way!
So so much to say, so little soap scum in the shower! Yah ouch 4 hours of the big S scum removed and me a bit sore and achey...Oh ok I'm al over the place tonight I love it though I think when I post like this its my true personality coming out! Unedited and raw!Mmm Num anyway oh ya! SO memory association! memory triggers thought pathways..You know red Fire rose blood coke a cola! One thought that triggers an other and so forth but not with any kind of predictability, well depending on a healthy brain and an educated one for sure! But I love it in University I was at the front of the class tell me more about the brain, I love the study of humanity, sociology..You name it, leading to a major point here! I'm looking into furthering my education! Why not I live beside a major University, I mean across the street, Oh by the way and Ryerson students read my life! Cause I can see into your dorm Windows and I want sum a ya all Lick shove ahh! Fresh and sweet just how I like I'm Full of energy and very eager..Like me still I'm freaked out I see other guys who seem to have lost there spark, I'm not can't I live for that!
Don't forget please please take time to think about the good things, I know we forget I do but I tell ya It helps! Fix it or get rid of it! Move on Get a life as they say! Oh lives lessons are what make it all worth whiled...
Odd as it may be Its my life in the raw and unedited version! And it stain dat way so suv it up you but and don't wine or I'll give it to you hard you beautiful cock suckers Mm num Cock sucking love that don't We?