Saturday, July 31, 2004
Hmmm WE spent the last two days together! He called me his boy friend to his friend when we where at Woody's for a drink! I just though Hmmm! He is cute my height a bit shorter I'm 5'6, A top so he thinks the last one I had who said that ended up a big old bottom soon enough! What can I say when you've got it it ends up being used..To put it mildly I'm not lacing in that department! So I let him be the top I didn't want him to get discouraged I didn't mind it was not so bad! He was gentle and not to big that I was in pain!.....Ok he is not the kind a guy I would think I would be with! Shorter than me a top and well big and muscular! Hmmmm very cute to look at, works lots has it together! I like it, I think this is a good thing! He was married he told me to a women! That felt strange to here I never have been there before!
I have that feeling you know the one when you can't stop thinking about someone! That sort of obsession, Its been along time since I felt someone draw them to me and myself feel the need for that someone when there not there! My its a strong powerful and very distracting set of emotions, I hope I'm ready to deal with this!
I got get together and out the door
Wednesday, July 28, 2004
Ok well I have not been that busy, My blog is not getting posts in part because my modem got zapped when the power went out? And I have a power bar to protect what is plugged into it for what reason? Hmmm...Plus I have been at the bath houses as of late.....I tell ya I have been getting al sexed up...I have not been on a sex spree like this for some time....I'm all sore and tired from Monday night....Ok more about that debauchery later.....Plus Id be cleaning my room its very messy I got flyers and poster every where...
Big Big News
I'm in the start of having my first big party here in Toronto, Well producing one!
I'm keeping that under wraps till more in done and I run it past the boss if I can talk about on here....I don't want to cut the deal before its done if you all know what I mean!...
Gona be behavin my self for the next while, My dam pancreas is killing me to have constant pain all day sucks and if I drink it just gets worse....So spank my bubble but and call me stupid crazy...Well today only...
I'm happy feeling good and moving forward I'm liking my life for the first time this much in a very long time....Smile laugh it feels good don't forget to not take your self to seriously or it just get boring...
Friday, July 23, 2004
So I have also added a whole lota linky love to my site! Many are blogs I've looked at here and there over the last year! Take a look many are very much not alike A good blend of gay boys and girls?
+ I can clean out my favorites its crazy I must have 1000 links in there I need some link cleaning service I tell ya its messy when you pull down ouch!
Any hooo I'm of to bed that was a long night ok link loving its tiring!
Thursday, July 22, 2004
Ok it time to go a shave this skruffy face, I haven't shaved in a week or so I thought I would look extra butch for the men at FFN2, seen as I'm almost 31, Sept 18..In case you all wanted to know! Hint!....So it worked and its time to get rid of it.....I need my young cute boy look, Its funny no one and I mean mean no one ever gets my age mid 20s or sooner I love it, and I sware that it is because I had a cap on every day out in the sun the last 15 years! Plus for sure some good genetics helps as well! Yahhhhhhh me phone is back well comeing hone....I know I know its just a phone but the times are that it would be a big big cost again to replace....And the work I did throuout pride was not a waste of time money wise...Outz
Have a good night everyone!
I'm soo so so so Happy me phone is coming home
Thanks to a honest good man...Good job...Now should I take him out for drinks or out for a fab meal...What do you all think...Some cash may-bee?
Ok I'm in a posting kind of mood tonight! I'm not sure what it is that you guys and gals all come back for it must be me (grin)..Any way I am on my way to figuring out that I'm into this kinda stuff!
Take a look at the magazine...In fact Its been on my mind for the last few days...The ones on here who can put two and two together may figure out that this may be a hint to the past few days at FFN2
An other thing I'm very happy to get into here is my promotions of a Fab and I mean Fab Lesbian night at a local club here in Toronto, Put on by two of the most together doing it girls in the Lesbian scene here in Toronto, The girls are a couple first then they own several businesses including one of them being A DJ here in Toronto who DJ's at several clubs, a restaurant, at Spa XS the list go on and on...So cool a girl DJ at a bath and she is fab I could listen to her talk for hours you know that kind of voice that is comforting and sincere that's her, And her girl she is great the two of them are an example to us all of a Queer couple that has it going on, I mean it!Oh ya and she is one fierce DJ to!
I'm happy that I'm helping to promote there Party Girl5 at 5ive night club here in Toronto...You go Girls you rock my world! < I know they read this so ITs all good...I'm happy to have them mentioned here and it all cool..Yah you are the best!
I have been invited to go to this this next August! By a guy I met who was here to partake in the FFN2...He had a both the guy I talked about in a post a few days ago!
Wow its seems exciting! I think I may go! But how does one go to this when they have to move half way through the event Hmmmm! What is the answer I wonder if I could pull this off!!!
Here you will find links that will take you on a trip through the past - through the history of Burning Man - from its early days on a small beach in San Francisco through its evolution into the bustling city of some 25,000+ people that the Burning Man event has become today. These people make the journey to the Black Rock Desert for one week out of the year to be part of an experimental community, which challenges its members to express themselves and rely on themselves to a degree that is not normally encountered in one's day-to-day life. The result of this experiment is Black Rock City, home to the Burning Man event.
oops holy batman tickets are 250 us Hmm I'm thinking this may be a bit expensive but if I work hard and starve myself who knows if I could do It!
Wow I think this is so much a fitting post to follow my last post...I am going to try and go to this I have been asked and I am so so So needing to find something in the Desert...A inner peace something I just feel that this is some thing for me to do I have seen info on this before but never thought of going Now that I've been invited from my new friend fro San Francisco I have no reason not to go..Now its the money and time management I need to figure out! Hmmmm things to figure out!
How when it's 38c and you work 1 hour it seems like 4 Man was it hot in Toronto the smog was disgusting, No thanks in part to are lovely neighbor's to the South which I believe something like 60% or more of the smog comes from I think its more than that..I wish they would get it together down there and realize that the industry throughout the mideast us and the south and southeast all the smog comes up here, a third of our province if not half! So that means all of us who go to the country for the summer are not able to escape the smog its very very bad, You know the air that is humid in the states well we get that gulf of Mexico air up here but by the time it get here its so laden with pollution its killing us, I so wish you all would get your acts together and that you get some responsible government in your country I would be ashamed to and I know many of you are to have a government who throws out and ignores government protocol's like Kyoto...Its sad because I think most Americans have no Idea that along with killing them selves with pollution they are killing and ruining people and animals and entire ecosystems far from the place they live where the pollution is made...We here in Canada are not 100% perfect but far far out pace the USA in environmental control's....Its sad so sad that not matter what we do here most of the pollution is coming over our border from the good old USA
Ozone and smog, which pose high health risks to the young and the elderly, are not "local" problems. Some of the major North American ozone transportation corridors include the East Coast from nacec.Washington, DC, to Maine and the southern Canadian maritime provinces; the mid-continent from the industrial areas of the US Midwest, through the Great Lakes basin and up the St. Lawrence River to Quebec City; and interbasin transport in southern and central California.
..(a link to important info like the last link very hard reading but worth it a glimpse into what some people know and a lot of others should know about take the time to read it and other studies you will be surprised how the more
you read this kind of stuff it will start to make sense, the last link in this post I read it was a long read some it is what I like to do sociology in the environment aspect of the science totally what I'm into I could spend days reading about what we us are doing and what people study and come up with to explain how thing are! This one is a bit of a read to...The Canadian National Report on Systematic Observations for Climate
...In defense of many of my readers who are from the USA I realize that you most of you know this and probably are the kind to be in the know of issues like this I urge you all to go out and vote this year and tell your friends about this and to support environmental change recycle so all the plants and factories that pollute are lovely country and yours are not so busy spewing toxin into the air...Send letters to your elected officials to support pollution reform...The Kyoto protocol that you are ignoring is so shameful, you are leading the way its a shame that others are following the example...To make my point finally please lets do some thing the smog here is killing us and its getting worse every year and its mostly from the USA!....?Why I wish I could answer why we are letting each other kill are fellow man like this slowly its insidious really it is!
Ok I could go on and on the info is endless out there do a google and you will find 6,560 hits on Ontario USA cross border pollution alone and I'm sure many many more....
My point being I can't stand the smog and I know in many other cities we are to blame for it including my country after reading the previous links in brief I find still that my American brothers need to do more...C'mon when I see the cars that you have on your morning news shows it just is mind blowing, we are close be hind our selves...Take the bus walk run...Take the subway..I've never owned a car and would never want one I get so bothered every day by the heat smog ect they push into my air not to mention having to always spend my day when out in the city stopping at lights to accommodate one person in a car when there are 20 of us walking to work...I think they should close of down town cores and make every one walk to work or take the subway if you are disables fine but no exceptions except trasport ext.. The obvious vehicles will need to be in the city but no more one car to work people I say...We have shut down our Village here in Toronto its freaking great every Sunday from 10am to 10pm no cars of any sort its heaven absolutely divine to be able to go out for lunch ect and have some peace and quiet in the street its modern and controversial so very Canadian I love it..I think you all should where ever you are bring this up and try it where you live its amazing I hope to have it happen every day or soon the weekends....
Ok I'm done the smog is this post and its a world problem some more than others please learn educate your self that is the first step to change...Knowledge is power....SCIENTIA EST POTENTIA(Latin) my hi school moto! Yah it is so true you know it!
Wednesday, July 21, 2004
As for me I'm in cell phone lost misery land! But life goes on! I'm still pissed of and I mean big time! I've worked in bars and I know who finds the things lost the busboys most often...I hope who ever has my phone enjoys it or heck gets some good money for it....Because as far as I know pay&talk phones are only good for the guy who owns the phone! I don't know how it works but the phones I think have some kind of tracking codes or numbers that identify the phone and link it back to the owner!....
Any way after spending the last two days in bed to recover from the weekend and the loss of my phone its back to work I'm working on a few new things and I'm currently on board with a Girl Party that is lots of fun, I'm putting up the posters and organizing the flyer campain! ITs been great getting to know all kinds of girls....ITs going good and the girl night is going well every week they are getting more girls in the the club...Yahhh!
I'm outz I've been in bed two days and smell very bad I' havn't shaved in a week or so and the beard is going to go, I had it to look more butch for the leather fetish crowds from FFN2 now its coming of! Oh boy the men from the fair I tell you! I could have been busy but I was good I have to remember I'm not 100% healthy and still have to control my self....Its hard but can be done! On Saturday night last weekend I was out at the opening FFN2 party and well lets say not well I got very sick, upset stomach puked my brains out and I mean brains...There was lots of blood coming out I'm not to happy about that its scary when you get sick and there is blood filling the toilet!....I think its the meds they don't mix well with beer I'm thinking...IT was a great time I got to meet a few great guys I got lots done...I lost my phone, I'm going to go with out one for a while...Its been since 2000 that I've done that I'm sure it will be hard to have to go to a pay phone but I will do it! Yuk...Or have to carry bits of paper around with numbers how awful is that Oh well its all my fault for letting myself get sloppy and getting my phone lost/stolen or what ever happen to it!
Monday, July 19, 2004
I don't know I'm very fustrated you might say?
Saturday, July 17, 2004
Art by Axel This is some hot hot stuff....As I'm posting this I smell of cum and sweet man sex.....With the pleasant and new for me scent of rubber....Oh yes I was out and about our fine gaybourhood and was asked by this man where to buy cigs, he was here for Folsom Fair North I was sure he was in a fab outfit, it was fine! Hard to describe he had on some major big knee pads on that went all the way to his feet some...Well to be honest I was into him so much I forget the rest lets just say I was going to the Black Eagle and he was going to be there a big + I could tell he was into me, some how I can sense this, not as often as I would like, I can't tell you how many times I get told that a guy was giving me a look up and down! Cruising me something fierce and I'm like what oh and its to late...Not this time ouch.... I'll keep all the personal info to myself....So I'm done the Folsom Fair posters for the Night...Off the the Eagle and home at 7am....Wow what a cool guy he was so into making me comfortable that he was asking me are you ok..I'm like I'm great, taking it one step at a time, Some times I forget the power I have with guys to make them totally unaware how I'm feeling..I put the guy at ease, let him know I was very into being there, in fact he asked me several times to go play, I had my mind made up before he had asked, Grin...Hmmm So this guy is into what you might call kink or some serious fetish....Ok he wants to put me in rubber from head to toe, sorta a form a breath control I think!Masks that cover your head...Oh my god I though before that those rubber or leather masks scared me or gave me the creeps not now not now ...He put one on and I was like oh hard and lets say very open to what was going on...I was in a rubber cat suit...Its the first time I've had to lube up my body to get some thing on...It felt good....And the look of well me with the guys face you know where, on his knees with the mask on looked freaking hot, I was with a guy I've seen the look many times but never was approached or had the nerve to talk to! I feeling very good at this point I almost flaked out and said no I'm going home, I'm glad I kept my nerve and was brave enough to do what I wanted, It felt good to be wanted, ouch and by a hot guy who is not from the cookie cutter mold, you know the kind this was not him I was sure of that and excited to get to know him..Oh did I say that already!
....So its 6am I've had one of the all time best nights of hot man sex I've had in Years......I'm really excited about this weekend...I need to get some sleep, Oh yes and one thing I'm very happy to say is that its all working , the new energy the old school stuff is on the back burner now, don't get me wrong I'm not an expert on the scene but I can tell you I've been meeting guys that are into things I've been wanting to explore the last few months and never though I would be able to....It seems that the boys club is relaxing so to speak a more accepting open attitude, I like it and I know for sure many other guys who are new and wanting to put there
foot in the door are stepping up to find there way into the leather fetish scene...You know I think part of it has to do with just letting down your inhibitions and its made so much easier when you know guys like Dean and John from Folsom Fair North who are all about welcoming everyone and opening up those doors that where really hard to get through....I love it and very excited about things to come...
I'm outz to la la bed land for a few hours....Oh I was going to stay at this hot guys hotel And I wanted to! I'll see him tonight I'm sure, but for some reason I have a very hard time sleeping with some one I just met, I think it has some thing to do with a trust thing, You are after all at your most vulnerable when your sleeping, I know that the guy I was with was totally some one I could trust its just that way with me, When I was a kid I would go home form sleep overs after every one fell asleep because I couldn't sleep strange I'm not sure..Na just me I'm thinking!
Ok slap I'm of to bed....
Thursday, July 15, 2004
Freaking sick to my stomach, I am watching Oprah and am just outraged at what I'm seeing....In Africa men are raping and brutalizing babies in the hopes to cure HIV/Aids how sick is that! How stupid can these beasts be, How could you look into the eyes of an 18 month old and do that, I was watching about a little girl who was gang raped, her iner organs where torn to pieces...She survived thank goodness...I was shocked and disgusted the here this...I'm going to look into this more and try and do something to help the victims of this absurd disgusting tragic myth...It seems that most of the men who do this, in places like South Africa get away with raping babies....We need to do something and help them...TO think a poor poverty stricken child who is lucky to be born without HIV/Aids could be raped when she is only two years old and be left with HIV/Aids....Its a tragedy that has to be stopped.....Look for more info when I have time to look into this more....
I'm outz to try and clear my mind after that hour of hell,Thank You Oprah for bringing such important issues to light.....
Wednesday, July 14, 2004
Jeff Smith, the longtime "Frugal Gourmet" on PBS, has died at the age of 65. Smith - at one time one of America's most popular TV chefs
I loved his show it was sad what happen to his show and him, He was still a great cook and I loved the fact he was from Seattle such a great place I love it there Its so like Vancouver in mind and body it scary!
How sad, Did I ever say I'm a food tv aholic even if I'm starving lying in be hungry as hell and far to content to get out of bed to eat I will put the network on and Cook away in my mind I love cooking, In fact I was at one time in a cooking school in BC
This is the University I took both the Chef training and started my BA in psychology and sociology
Professional Cook Training Certificate
You know I really want to continue in cooking classes but I think in a more casual way like at a community centre that has special classes that are not geared towards a profession but more as a hobby that sorta thing!
I loved it but not as a life time job, it was to hot and the days are way to long, but I love to cook, I was in the course for 8 months 4 shy of getting my chef papers or what ever it was called so long ago now I still think its funny the look of me in the Big white hat...Oh there goes the fag in the vegetable cooler, lets just say Kamloops is a city full of all the small towns surrounding its mentality when it comes to closeted small town boys who had nothing to offer and no skills what so ever it was cooking join the army or cut down trees for a living among the more interesting choices a young man has in the Interior of British Columbia if you are not the smartest one from the litter!
Any way I went on the a degree in the Arts more on that later, Lets just say I intend to finish it I have come to the point now after 8 years that I feel I'm done finding my self as a gay man and can now put my energy back into my education and also the realization that HIV is not a death sentence that I will not die any time soon I hope so I can get on with my life and hell I'm doing that...Things are good just one thing on my nerves I found a place to move into! Thing is I need to come up with a deposit of 200$ by the middle of next week And the work has been slow as of late! Hmmm what to do....I have already postponed the big operation on the pancreas till sept some time because of the move! I wish I could just stay where I am but no that would be to dam easy wouldn't it! As they say its time to move on and I know it oh I know IT!
Well I'm outz to start my day late because thanks to the Fab City of Toronto my water was of when I got up at noon(my usual time) So What do I do but have to sit around and Blog till its on and now it is I phoned the city in my morning grumpy state of mind, Oh ya I have the worst moods in the morning or when I wake watch out stay away from me! Some boy friends I've had thought it was funny and cute how mad I seemed to be and just out write grumpy! I don't know why but when I'm coming to if you ask me any kida question I'll bite your head of, SO I call the city they tell me its and water main emergency! Ya so it has nothing to do with the building being built across the street! Hmmm in fact the building that is going to be low income housing(great for that) but it has been under construction for over a year! Just down the street not one but two hi towers have been built in the same time...I'm thinking the builder is milking the city for everything he can get..I wonder if I should call some one...Waist is not good I know that one....
Monday, July 12, 2004
Wow! Geek Slut By far is the most! What a place to be honored with a link to my site! You go Sexy Geekslut!
Hey you! Glad your feeling good! I so know what its like to get a skanky boys germs Its happen to the best of us for sure!
Love my Link Blog buds!
Its all about sharing our lives together, learning from each other! I so can't remember a day with out my Blog release and in return the comfort it gives me! Thanks every one for being out there!
Top Six ->
All Website Referrers Unique Visitors
639 30.34% http://www.geekslut.org/
192 9.11% http://geekslut.org/
158 7.50% http://watercolourboy.blogspot.com/
71 3.37% http://spacewaitress.blogspot.com/ I miss Ya girl!
70 3.32% http://stupidryan.blogspot.com/
46 2.18% http://www.zeitzeuge.org/
extreme tracking I'm not good at math but you could imagine what the counts would be if I was using this tracker from the start of my Blog! Yikes I love it!
Counting since: 10 May 2004 / 12:11
Current report: 12 Jul 2004 / 12:09
Sunday, July 11, 2004
This blog is left open for links and the like to encourage the sharing of my life and to make it an interactive place for people that share like mindedness or not with me..Not to sell your products and or business this is a Blog of my life please respect this and leave my Blog So I can keep it open to all Thank You for your Understanding!
Oh ya and please my Guest map and links are not for spam please respect my Blog! To whom it may concern!
What Not to Wear on TLC Now I just love this show...If its on I will watch it no kidding I like it so there! Its just so funny! Some thing about the brash tell it like it is appeals to me...And the hosts are perfect...I'm jealous! I could never afford to buy what they buy on the show! In fact I'm very bad at what I wear...I would be a perfect specimen for the show...I saw some pics of me this last summer when I was in NYC and was horrified! I told my friends if I ever look like that again tell me please....
Oh my lord and when I have time to see this show I love and can't stand at the same time what do I see but some crazy bitch from Toronto named Diana Please...The nerve of her, I can see what she was al about her typical arrogant Canadian attitude was very easy to spot, I've not finished watching but I'm sure In fact She ends up looking rather stupid when I'm sure she thought she was being smart...Some people should stay in there crazy little world and let the rest of us move on in the world...Its called A world because we all live on the same planet...Earth Now get to the point your thinking...I don't no any more what my point was!..
Ok rewind! Oh my freaking god.....She pulled that dam little dawg out a her ass and finally realized that she is hideous and needs the help of Stacy and Clinton! Ya but as I was saying her attitude was so very boring in only a Canadian can have way!...I don't know what it is I think well its the little guy on the block mentality when you go to the big boys place you can't help but push your stature around some no mater how it may look..Its kind of like the real silly gay boys who act so very much like they are all that But have no real idea that you can only pull an attitude that is without any substance if you really have the looks to back it up! I'm sorry if your going to walk the walk like you have something to show off then be sure that you really have it or you just end up looking like the fool you where trying to impress...
Well I was in a part of town today that really brought the bitch out in me there is something about spending the day in the gritty part of town that brings out the true brute in me I say I say again.....Hey any one want to send a letter in to What Not to Wear to nominate me! I'll go to NYC and show them how a real sexy Canadian Boy has the perfect attitude to match there's with pizzazz! Ya baby I'm telling you Alll
Oh my am I in a silly strange state of mind!
Oh Oh oooooh a Oh hangin tough! Remember that song ruff ruff Hangin tough....
But for real she is so Canadian and I love it I take it back she is for real a perfect example of the Dry Humor factor that so many Canadians tend to have you know that kind a funny that comes of as being rude or non cooperative the Kind I have..Now I know why I got so crazy cool! This show always does this to me it just grabs me and takes me on a journey I need that some times an escape from my reality..Not that my reality is that disturbing that I need a mingle in fantasy land to prove other wise its just that I don't have many of them escapes that are non chemical...You no the kind that helped bring this Blog to me ....The escape that costs nothing and has a good side effect a natural high I love it...No I need to remember how to get here more often and practice this more and more..I am getting there A simple reminder that it's ok to be at home! Shut Uppp I love the pink shoes Hehehe Hmmm lol... Ah this show is to much Its all over soon I can't wait I really want to get my ass in that show I tell you! I'm thinking I bet that some of the fashion victims on the show set them selves up to get on it some how C'mon I've seen to many so called draws at bars that are so fixed its not funny...Oh hey I didn't say that no one would ever fix a draw would they! There is no gain with out pain..You go girl Diana Ok now its my turn..I wish Hey I could go for a visa with 5000 and forgo the show hint! Or some gift certificates to Holt! Oh the drama could you all imagine I can! But back to reality I go!
Oh OH TV of I can't stand trading my places or what ever its called one sec mute ahhh Ok
Now a rare glimpse on my Blog has been had by you all into my humorous side please don't let it get to your heads and think I am changing my bitter complaining ways its my nature I have to go with it But serious I know I know how many times can I post the same dam words Well watch me....
Ok If outz..
I think I may have had the perfect amount of Sun Food Life everything today...No Drama was good for me..Its a change in me I welcome!
Oh I'm going to have a meeting to help produce a promotional launch marketing strategy for a famous American(USA) artist here in Toronto..You are saying Wow me to I'm getting calls from friends of friends wanting me to promote sell them there business ect...Now I need to look like I got it together more than ever, well I do have it together I mean keep it together...
Ohhhh the life I lead is scrumptious and poisonous if used the wrong way...I will do it!
and NIght Night....
PS Doc trip in the afternoon next blood test, expecting to get a undetectable HIV count in three weeks when I get the results..I'm feeling freaking good I have not felt this good since I was a teen e bopper..Go figure it was the HIV that zapped me so bad...Well I'm thinking it was, or I know it was a combination of HIV and party party party life of no go any where! So If I could turn back time..No I wouldn't but why think such things that are not attainable any way, Serious I'm asking you all? Do you ever think about what ifs? Heck here goes my boring drama self again!
NO delete today! I had way to much fun with this post....You are getting it in raw form tonight!
Cheers from Canada!
Saturday, July 10, 2004
I can't believe straight Toronto club land its massive...I walked by this one bar near Richmond and Spadina...There was 50+ speed bikes motor cross Kinda a fetish of mine the guys in the bike gear where super freaking hot!......Some very hot hot men in straight club land. One of them asked me to glue him to the garbage bin I was postering on And then he said No better not I might get hard I'm looking at him I think he was in the know who he was saying that to..Am I that obvious or was it the hat that said Sailor..The other half of Woody's bar.... I was drooling al night at one point I just stopped and took it all in...You could smell the testosterone in the air literally....I tell ya all tens of thousands of drunk straight men can sure liven up a night of postering...
I'm off to soak my self in the bath and relax ....Its push time for Folsom Fair North....I've got a few thousands+ posters to get up in the next week....
Great Party Return To Eden! Fab amazing space the place was hot and full and freaking gay as hell I loved it up till the point when I was in La La land I was staggering around falling up stair's, enough for me I fell into a cab, got my self home safe out of the straight zoo called the entertainment district or Drunken straight land! Yuck So I'm home head ache from hell My punishment for sure, puke my brains out more punishment....Ya I'm together again! Why do I Do this to my self I wonder! Not really I do know but tend to not listen to my better judgment!< - - I know Bad boy anyone want to spank me..email me!
Lesson not well learned again Im out to work now Get things done....
delete delete delete!
I'm done for today!
Thursday, July 08, 2004
Hmmmm This weather is great I love it Being from the West Coast of Canada, Vancouver I love it I moved to Vancouver when I was 23, I also lived in Victoria on Vancouver Island when I was a kid...I loved the weather! But here In Toronto I'm not loving it..When your job is out side its not good...I was rained on off
and on most of yesterday!.....
Was told of by some guy on Mutual street east of Church....He didn't seem to like me putting posters up in front of his building...Oh well, I wonder what he does for his community...I find those who do nothing are most often the ones to complain about anything...The kind that ruin a good party because of the
noise....C'mon most of the time the posters I put up are for one fund raiser or a Charity....Besides print media, Posters have been around for years in the old days I'm talking hundreds of years ago they had a guy at the Corner ringing a bell and yelling info out...Would you prefer we revive a Town crier(spell
that word) I can see it now Gay boys at every corner with those big awful looking mega phones yelling out with there Fab gay voices about all the things we need to know! Lol!
Serious though I understand that a mess can be made, there are city cleaners out there tearing down my work every day trust me I know, And very often I clean up a pole when I'm putting a poster on it....When I was in Queen West(a super street here in TO) I was cleaning countless layers of posters before I put one up!
Anyone got a mega phone email me for a job here in Toronto!
Wednesday, July 07, 2004
Return to Eden
I helped with the promotions on this party! FLyer and postering as well as handing out personalized bottles of water at the Aqua party during Pride as well on Church street!
The guys who make this party possible and many others around North America are Fab I was very happy when given the opportunity to work with them!
I'm so excited there are some big things happening in my future in Torontos gay party scene and now in the straight world I'm working on getting a contact to promote one of the largest parties in the World here in Toronto this October!
I'm also working on hosting parties at local bars here in Toronto with some of the best Produces/Promoters! I'm very excited with the way things are going and look forward to the Day when you see my Name at the top of a Flyer/poster as The Producer that brings you the party! Its a good feeling I'm all pumped up at the possibilities!
I'm doing research into bringing in DJS from places like Germany, Japan, Israel, United Kingdom, Brazil, Australia Its endless the ideas I have....Now this is all just ideas, I still have lots to learn! In the mean time I'm working on all the things I need to learn and slowly building up my portfolio!
I know there are guys and girls from al over the World who read my Blog! I am very open to you all sending me names of DJ's in your area that you like...One thing I want to do is bring in talent from far of places! This won't be for a few years, I'm learning that it takes time to build your stature and lots of hard work, not to mention the money aspect, some DJ's cost up to or over 10 000 us a night....I love it....
Oh man the ideas are flowing, I have to be careful to not give up to much info on here!
I'm outz I'm trying to clean my nasty messy bedroom Its been weeks and weeks! There are flyers and posters every where from months ago!
PS I would very much appreciate and links you may have to parties from around the world, they will help me to learn and get the vibe of the scenes from every where! Hey a party on a Global Scale wouldn't that be Fab!
Tuesday, July 06, 2004
If you find your self in the same situation time after time, with similar surroundings and conditions! Each time things just don't work! Each time its been with different people, lets say 10....Do you think each time that the reason the relationship broke down is there fault? Keep in mind there are 10 very unique individuals involved....The relation ship faltered each time for the same reason! I'm thinking that if the same thing keeps happening with all 10 people that you are very bad at meeting people or that something you are doing is not working!
So is it fair to blame the 10 for your problems, No I think not! You know the immature mentality! Its never me It always them...This is what I'm dealing with...I admit when I'm wrong! I keep trying and very rarely give up! I'm the kind a guy that you can count on to be a Friend for life, No matter what I have a forgiving kind nature and would give my last dollar to some one! I'm not materialistic and money crazy! If I have a place to live I am happy there that's all I need! If there is some thing not working I try to fix it! I don't just crawl in to my bed and shut out the world and my problems! Some times I am completely baffled at the thought process of some people! You know the one who was greedy and never shared there toys or candy when you where a kid! The complete opposite of me! I don't understand greedy power hungry people! Don't get me wrong there are exceptions, Like myself I like to be dominant in a relationship! I think this is just part of me I was born with the dominant gene mentality call it what you may! But and this is a big But I know when I'm wrong and know how to see a pattern in my behavior be it good or bad...Productive or non-productive...For real I've been fighting all my life to gain controls of my life....
Point being is that I'm tired of room mates whom think they know everything and are for some reason superior to me! Give me a break!
you know I'm 30 going on 31 I really hope to find a place that I can call home with guys who are CLEAN! I'm so tired of messy dirty people who spend there lives at work and then in Bed! What kind of life is that, and then to judge me Hmmmph I think not....
moving on Yes happy about it not completely!
Think its a good move Yes!
Did I try to make things work! Sure I was the live in maid till I got busy and what happened the place is a disaster!
Ok OK OK Calm your self down....Done
I really did see this coming, when your busy and want to do something with your life its hard to live with some one who really seems to not care about there life, especially when you are trying so hard to make something of your life!
My feelings have changed since then and I have come to have a sense of peace being HIV+, I'm no way 100% finished dealing with it! I do feel that I have got to the point now where I have stopped punishing my self for it!
Post from April 2003
I found this on the net somewhere and thought in a way it described my feelings in a way about being HIV positive....
I reworked it and edited to fit a gay mans life
I hope you enjoy it!
the body of knowing an other
The body of knowing another is quite a different thing from the body of sex. I crept into a room of moans pricking my ears. I did not know what he looked like. I did not feel into his body of knowing.
He was quiet in intent in action in bed. He said he was tired. We discussed relationships. What exactly is that? They forget to clarify their positionings.
Usually I begin with a play of words and an exchange of intention. Words turn into kisses turn into touches turn into tumblings and turnings under hot sheets. Usually I begin with the body of knowing which is quite different from the body of sex.
My friend and I, we have interesting karmic patterns. Somehow, men wander into our lives. We have an instant triangulation formula. I feel jealous at times. He feels jealous at times. We play with power. We play being powerless.
I wonder how much he knows about the body of knowing. I would like him to enter into it. We would like to enter the metaphor of love. He seems untouchable somehow. Yet I touch him, I kiss him. I cathect him. What is it about his age, his untouchability?
I am unsatisfied. He is too. We imagined we were born for this. In this fantasy of mastery, we were born amidst idealizing and convicting gazes and adorations. We were born with this challenge of moving beyond glamour. We have nothing so we do this. We have nothing to do with that or the other. We are in it because of those gazes.
The glamour of sex shimmers like a tigers shadow. What happens when he has no words to frame his experiences? Just his pink feelings. What happens when I have no words or reason for being here with him?
We have not quite entered into the sweating body of sex. I do not even know if words turn him on as they do me. Perhaps it will be an erotic monologue. Metaphysical masturbation.
My friend told me he felt perfectly capable of being in relationship with an ugly person. A physically ugly person. An internally ugly man is a different creature. Maybe an opposite creature. He and I got on well. We had such a strong connection. One day I woke up with him beside me feeling subtly ill. His appearance made me ill. I struggled with that for a number of weeks. Eventually it all got too much and I ended the affair. We got on exceedingly well.
If you close your eyes when having sex you can be with anyone you want. Open eyes are a different thing. I wonder if he closes his eyes at the point of orgasm? If so, where does his spirit go?
When I get to the point of equanimity in this ocean of cathexis, who will I be? The waters are too turbulent to reflect any one clearly.
Wanting the Mirror, I became his. My reflections initially pleased him. I am becoming obsessed with the Mirror. It has fogged up and I cannot see the body of knowing.
As a child I broke several mirrors. That is when I learnt about karma. Seven years of bad luck! It frightened me. So now I take great care of my mirrors. I do not have a mirror in my room. I have not had one for years.
Men are forever looking into mirrors. I can learn something from that. The mirrors are a substitute for our lost gaze. A stand in for my gaze. So they are a substitute also for something behind my gaze. Something so fundamentally already. Mirrors tell these men about my desire. And who told me about desire?
When he was a child he learnt a lot from dinnertime rituals. Mother and father at two ends and kids on the side. He learnt to eat whatever was placed before him at the same time every day for all those years. Then he left because of the other. The others desire was too much his desire for him.
Now I encounter him in the midst of his beauty and he is quiet. So much so that I cannot see a mirror and so my hunger for words pulses sickeningly. I am waiting with a customary impatience to enter the body of knowing. It may never come. I may never come.
It has only been four days. How swiftly the hunger arises! Black words spat out of hungry mouths! What is the white page? The White Page is a Void. It swallows my thoughts and desires silently. I often feel the need to vomit these words out. My desire is never silent. My desire is like a blue breath. A Blue Breath can be the most exhausting breath. Blue carries so much. The blue train trails a string of desire. Desire occurs with distance. Distance is significant. For certain people, distance creates a space of allowance. Absence is an affair of the heart but distance is the greatest aphrodisiac.
Tonight my friend kissed me on the lips and we danced through the blue evening. He has never kissed me on the lips. We danced drunkenly. In seven weeks, his bags and his body will be in an aero plane. I will not see his for an indefinite length of time. Time stretches like elastic into an unending future. Occasionally, memories of the future rubber band into the present. Those will be the times when we remember the unspoken.
When memories of future sneak into an unsuspecting present, we are surprised.
I miss him and yet I do not. I wonder how I can miss him when his movements are the unfolding of his perfect being his diamond mind? It is necessary for mysterious reasons for you to leave? Distance is necessary as much as the other is dead.
You are beautiful you know. I have always thought so. This is a long overdue letter. It is only now that I can type in these black words. It is only now that the blank white reveals himselfĆ‚Ā… an open space of zero. It is only because of distance.
Because you are beautiful, I find it difficult to maintain any boundaries between our spirits. Infidelity? I do not know. Because you are beautiful, you remain in my heart. My heart is a garden for the beautiful. There are also side entrances for the ugly. The only difference between evil and good is time. And distance.
What will Time inscribe into our narratives of togetherness? Words elude me now.
Our determination to know you created you and me. Can you remember the first words we exchanged?
Some people train to listen to others talk about a sense of otherness. This otherness is the most defining characteristic of our time together. But this continuity may not be what you think it is! In the same way, this dream is necessary. Some people train to become big Ears and these big Ears pressed to the ground of our unconscious glow red hot.
Our continuity latches onto the blue train. We become passengers in each other. The grooves of mind lock seductively. You know what the blue train is. For this reason, you love music that much more.
Goodbye dearest friend. We will realize each other almost before the other does the self. And that is all in accord.
Time confuses me tremendously. The rate at which others walk into my life warps my perception of the intensity of movement. The other is a man. I am always moving. Always moving through. The stops are marked with names and dates. Dates are meaningless because of their function as memory cues. The rate at which we talk ourselves into intimacy intimidates me.
Memories are emptier than sky. I spent some time with him last night. All we had before us were historical images of one another, verbalizing accusations and concerns. He cannot see that I am change. I cannot help but speak to that part of him that lives eternally within me. Somehow our eyes peer into each other, seeing that part of us living eternally inside the other who is dead.
Words I put to his feelings were hurled back into the spaciousness from which they emerged. We spoke too specifically. Metaphors liberate the interpretive field. He could then see the self he wanted to see more clearly. I could then speak the truths I needed to speak to the other in my self. Thus we connected in the ambiguities of intention and meaning. We summoned the time before the mirror broke.
I drew forth the Moon. My fears occupied this position. I am afraid of raw tides of emotion. Petrified of cycles. Of death. Of Kali. The King sits upon turbulent waves, wielding the trident of intellect against the onslaught of feeling.
He called us spiritual whores. Terror behind the mask of commitment is a hallmark of our generation. This cold dread of intimacy is our watermark. I fear the obliteration of the other in my self. This fear is a fear that projects itself in a sequential progression leading to heartbreak. I dread the others human needs and desires. I dread my own inadequacy in the face of perennial human needs and desires. I loathe the very mirror I broke.
Where do artists draw the line? At the level of our skin? When I touch your skin, I feel one with you. I almost feel the you that I am. I feel you more sometimes than I feel myself. It is more comforting to feel your solid sexual physicality sometimes. And then it is terrifying also evoking i-mages of dark rituals of blood sacrifice.
What a thing it is to carry death through the doors of a relationship. It broke my heart. It broke my heart precisely along the fracture lines. Heartbreak is radically individual. My heart breaks because it dreamt of breaking. It is little related to the relationship or love. Far less the human. However, he conspired with my heart in its dream of breaking.
Heartbreak is also a demand. My heart broke because of a pervasive slumber. He was still half asleep. I tried to wake him but his fears were like chains binding him to the bed. He lay there naked the entire time. Enticing. Holding a false promise. Yet he was inside me all the same. The image of his chained naked was already there.
Heartache is a mirror. Heartbreak is a forced entry into the body of knowing another.
Tonight he was dressed exquisitely. He is slick and difficult to define. He refuses to create a space of allowance, of desire. He is ambivalent. He will take it either way.
Earth red black charred green. Scarred along the heart. Heartbreak signifies decay. How do we mourn the worlds and words expiring around us? Heartbreak is a forced entry into the body of knowing our world. This entry is death. Earth is Deaths temple.
Fire swift glowing melting. Someone said to him, we can burn our pain like fuel for evolution. The image of a burning crucifix invaded my mind. There was no Christ on this Cross. I know he stepped off a while ago. The dream my heart had of breaking was his exit cue. He no longer needed to die.
Air soothes earth scars. Heartbreak breathes in the whirring silence of wind. Over time, even the abortions of intention are swept away.
Almost beyond my desire he reached inside. He wondered what to do with him. He consulted the I Ching:
Chia Jen: The family. The perseverance of the man furthers.
I: The corners of the Mouth. Perseverance brings good fortune. Pay heed to the providing of nourishment and to what a man seeks to fill his own mouth with.
He works with metaphors. He walks with people down these corridors. He watches as they struggle with him grappling with myriad threads and at the same time weaving with devout discipline.
Intimacy is moving through the needles eye. We are intimate camels. I can feel the threat in your knowing and understanding. I watch myself as defenses arise. Is he afraid of being apprehended in the gaze of understanding? Is he petrified of such illumination? Am I recoiling from the sun?
On contact with sunlight, my body melts into a tender relaxation.
Today I finally contacted water. We meditated on a stream. I waited for a day and a night for this stream. Now unexpected people bring this to me. Now the unexpected is brought to me.
A Blue Breath can be the most exhausting breath. Blue carries so much. The Blue Train trails a string of desire. Desire occurs with distance. The mans distance is significant. Distance allows necessary phantasies to breathe.
What is it that my fear seeks? The water is inviting precisely because I have seen those sharks just the other day.
The other pushes my head under water so that I once again confront the radicality of my own alienation. I almost drown in it. Yet the myth of knowing beckons still. I am propelled towards this lure of knowing the elusive man. He is long time dead.
In actuality I confront my own dreaming childhood and his very real absence. A lesson in the impossibility of knowing an other.
The seduction was born in my first realization of the other; in my first confrontation with this extremity of solitude. It is a seduction of knowing. Desire for entering the body of knowing an other. It was born when I first looked in the mirror. And then it broke.
There where I engage and attempt an interpretation of these others, they cease to be and we fall into the gaps of the real. Interpretation is death.
Horrifying space all the more horrifying when the one who has fallen with me sits oblivious of this horror, blind to this fall. He seldom sought to interpret. He seldom confronted his death. His fended off masochistic urges.
Anxiety riddles me when first we remove our clothes. Fortunately, desire steps in to the rescue. Heaven forbid, we might once again fall through crevices into the real. Are we abyss meeting abyss as someone mischievously put it.
Signaling danger, signaling death, anxiety propels me into flight. Ninety nine lives even would not be enough.
Z has become my favorite discursive object. My anxiety is so intimate in my cathexis. My cathexis is a desire to interpret. This desire is my interpretation and our death.
Stepping out of this discursive field is indeed frightening. Because Z is still alive! Z is not dead despite murderous interpretation. As it is, his continuation imposes upon me a glimpse of our discontinuity. His survival presses me into a black hole with all its traumatic reality.
Engagement continued after fragmentation. It seeks to abate my anxiety. I flee from the window of the real in Herculean dialogue. Can I make him a subject?
Writing reassures me in a remarkable way. It is my science of avoidance.
Let me know what you think about this, I find it very good, One day I hope to be able to put to words my feelings in such an amazing way
Monday, July 05, 2004
By the end of the night the sound of whips and paddles hitting skin in all sorts of places was louder than the music from where I was at the door handing out Flyers for Folsom fair....
I was wearing a police style leather vest that looks like a bullet proof vest...Very hot a gift from One of the guys at Folsom Fair North...So what to do with the bottoms I was offered some shorts from them but there was no time to alter them(thanks Guys) So I called up a dear friend of mine whom I love to death! A true friend who has been there from the start...One who knows how to forgive and move on and accept you for who you are(wait that's an other story sorry My thoughts are all over the place!Opps back to the outfit! I asked him if he had something I could borrow! With out a second thought he said sure and offered up a leather jock strap! Peeerfect that's what the Folsom guys thought I should wear, and it being leather was hot! I tel ya all when I put the leather jock on I almost cum in it I was turned on by it being on me the feeling,the idea,look smell everything! I could have swore I wouldn't have had to touch my dick if I didn't try and get my mind some where else I would have cum...Not some thing I would want to do in My friends leather jock strap....Hmmmm is this some kind of sign I wonder! Does it start this way, that was a strong feeling to have over a piece of clothing! I have always been into leather but never had a feeling like that....There is lots to learn before I could call my self a leather man! I'm sure willing to get there though that's certain!
When I got to the party I was so nervous I tell you all I was like I'm not getting out a my jeans! But that insecurity was out the door after I walked around and saw all the bare flesh and amazing outfits, I really had to get out of the jeans so I took my bud into the washroom the one who gave me the Jock to ware...After a few your but looks goods I was fine! Walked around looked watched talked I felt more comfortable there than I have ever on any other night I've been to the bar like twink night on Wednesdays! An other good thing, I met some great people and was introduced to some great guys and gals...Some of them recognized me from the leather make over contest! I was flattered! I'm really starting to get my self a reputation in this community and its not for bad reasons and this feels freaking good!
I'll be there next time and the next, I was told it was a small crowd! Hmm it looked busy to me I can't wait to see what it looks like packed....I ran into some guys I know from the community, that was fab to have guys I know who share a common interest, It made my nerves settle, not that they where that rattled! Really I was having a good time! Made some connections, I could have a big big job to do in the Fall...Very very cool!
SO on another note I find my self having to move at the end of August! Its no surprise! I don't talk on here about my roommate life often because I know he/they read it! And that's not good! I don't care if they read it If I did I wouldn't have kept it up! Its just out of respect! Not to air my dirty laundry in there face....Enough enough I'm so done its over my rant its not going any further I could go on and on and on and on! And I mean on....
I'm in need of new digs, I'm sure I will find some thing its just the process that I'm dreading to no end! Wish me luck! I'm not nervous yet but will be soon! Its up there with the worst things in life moving I tell ya I'm sure we all know what I'm talking about! The major issue is I will be in Hospital and then haveing to recover in August! I don't know what to do here! Should I postpone the operation! I have allready put it off for a few months! I don't know I'm tired of the pain put what to do! I told my Friend he calls him self/room-mate/land lord as he likes to think he is, he has known for months, but seems not to care its never him its always everyone else who is at fault for sure!
I just deleted three paragraphs of ranting about roommates, I will spare you all the bad vibes as I have been doing for months and not sharing that aspect of my life!
Instead I will end this post with the thoughts of a gorgeous peach plump and all juicy, I love peaches, I'm about to have my second one of the year! Mmmm...I love the fuzzy skin to the tart taste under the fuzz is special...I have always loved peaches! If its been a long time since you have had one! Go to your local market and find the most perfect one and treat your self to an old memory and a familiar pleasant taste!
Wow have I been on a roll tonight I have to get my ass in bed Busy day ahead of me!
I say for sure alot don't I? An american fellow said to me you
Canadians say for sure lots Hmm I do! I guess for sure I do Lol
Saturday, July 03, 2004
You say Fetish Yes I said Fetish!
All things just keep getting better Simone Denny....I'm on deck with her now love her muzac! She is the best pics of me and her to come soon from the Red Party just waiting on them!!!!!
Remember the Red Party! Fun Fun I was helping a girl party last night....Some Friends I made from the Red Party are putting on a Girl Party at a club here in the MegaCity called 5ive Every Friday this month....I love the Girls, like I said just started to get to know them Lesbians! In fact I have One friend from England I met just before pride who I went out with last night and her girl hetero gal pal from over the pond, Introduced them to who they needed to know, Perfect they are going places here for the summer I'm happy to help them get some work so they can have an even more Fab time here!
Return to Eden....The first Eden was the best party of the Year up to the time May 24(criticts have said)I was at the Red Party for sure, you know business I'm in to all things no politics for me, I'm trying a new thing its called good energy and being friends with all, Yah get on the wave! Its the new way we are doing things well at least the up and comeing people behind the scene, I've learned from the Best!...I'm helping with that Party I'm very thrilled! The guys behind it are if not or actually are the biggest party producers in Toronto!
SHIT Just about flooded the apartment OH my god I hate baths the shower is broke how long till it gets fixed Hmmm I'm not on the lease go figure Its all about respect!!!!
OK I'm outz More to come it's all good feeling good! I've been pushing it in the Party department I should say! Been bad bad ....
I'm on focus of to work
Hey did I Say I'm of to the fetish party at 5ive tonight, Hmmm a whip maybe some rope...I'm way to excited about this! Hey forget way thrilled!
Don't forget Folsom Fair North is soon I'm going to be going crazy ass postering on this city so look for them they are going to be every where!
Friday, July 02, 2004|
Speaking of HIV/AIDS I'm very impressed with the AIDS Committee of Torontos HIV/Aids educational adds
This is a must see and all so very true......Take a min and look at this it deserves to be seen!!!!!!!!!!
"KOOP ON REAGAN: Fascinating new details from C. Everett Koop on the Reagan administration and AIDS. He believes Reagan's heart was in the right place - but his advisers were the guilty ones. Money quote:
"Conservatives around him didn't want him to get involved because of the people who had [AIDS]," Koop remembered. "They said, 'Homosexuals, intravenous drug abusers, heterosexuals who are sexually promiscuous, prostitutes -- don't they deserve what they got?' I've always resented that. I think I could have saved a lot more people."
As one example, Koop cited his failed attempt to add an AIDS awareness spin to First Lady Nancy Reagan's "Just Say No to Drugs" campaign. Koop saw the First Lady's campaign as a perfect opportunity for President Reagan to address the AIDS crisis. "I contacted him [Reagan] through personal friends and suggested he could accomplish more if he appeared with her and for him to say something like, 'That includes IV drugs like heroin. You're not just saying no to drugs, you're saying no to AIDS,'" Koop said.
After asking Koop several well-informed questions regarding AIDS, Reagan took the idea to his domestic policy council the next morning.
"It caused an uproar," Koop said. "They said, 'That's lose-lose, you want win-win.' He listened to those who he thought were acting on his best behalf."
Reagan is responsible for not over-ruling these advisors. But whoever those people were in his domestic policy council, I hope they are proud of themselves."
Hmm not sure what brought this post on I think sometimes I feel like its to much self indulgence always talking about me me me! I need to focus more on HIV/AIDS Its on the rise big time, In fact 90% of the boys I know are HIV+
I'm betting that more are and don't know it! I can't tell you how many boys are in the bed with me and there is no mention of a condom or a single hesitation about it! It seems bare back is all the rage, I do admit to the lure of it and I'm not immune to the fact! I most often if condoms are not used am with another HIV+ guy, this I know is not the best thing and believe me I learned my lesson! I had a trip to the Doc a month or so ago and ended up having to get a hand full a pills to get rid of that burning feeling if you know what I mean! Ouch enough said! Lesson learned, I told the room-mate of the guy who I think may have passed on the fire to me and well I hope that was ok he needs to know and get treated!
I'm off to start my day way to late!
One more thing! What do you think of this Blog I don't understand it. It's Strange but good, take a look its wonderfully distracting