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Monday, December 27, 2004

One good thing about the holiday is well a few good things First is the marathon tv of shows I love like Star Gate, Monster garage Yes I do like it and Ummm American Chopper! To name a few I don't know what it is about the butch motor type shows but I love em! It may have something to do with the fact that I grew up for a time in my early youth with my step father a biker, not a Hells Angel a non afiliated as they where called I believe! Just a bunch a small town bad ass guys who grew up and survived the 60's to turn into the modern day version of the rebel want A be's that they where! I don't know what my mother saw in the biker guys they allays seemed dirty to me and creepy! It was the ones that made a good impression on me that the shows reminds me of My nasty fat ass crack showing step father was not one of them by the way! But there is something about watching a bunch of guys working with there hands on there backs and knees a lot that I can spend hours watching and trust me I've been watching hour after hour of it! An other thing about this time a year I like is the fact that seen as I live next to a university all the students are away and its not noisy! I was excited about living across from dorms with thousands of college guys but to my best ability I've not been able to see one in the building beside me up to anything naughty but looking at me looking at them and getting mad I'm sure! So I was over them fast now they just get on my last nerve the drunk girls the most at 3 in the morning yelling and screaming trying to make a show of them selves that get on my nerves I tell yah every night there is a few of them around here that wake me up! Oh boy but summer I plan on getting me a few college boys or spring maybe I just need to find out where they hang out first! Hmmm Any one know where all the Ryerson gay boys hang out here in Toronto? I tell yah there are a lot of drunk and vulnerable boys running around the local grocery store at 4am who I'm sure could use some attension!

Wow do I need to get out! I was in a mood on the 24th ended up going out! Went to a few spas at the end of the night sad sorry state of affairs I tell yah! The baths on Christmas eve are pathetic! I left them the two I was at with more of a chip on my shoulder than ever! I was nothing but sad for sure that I even went! Who knows maybe next year I will share this time a year with someone special! It seems to be a far and fleeting wish! Who knows I just don't feel like I have much to offer and I think its more and more true the longer it goes on like this I mean I've not met anyone in months except a guy at the bath with his drugged out self but in the air only concerned about the size of my cock and not anything about who I was just a dick to satisfy his but! Don't get me wrong I was very willing to help and am its just its empty and meaningless at the end of the night I want more! That long walk home feels empty and sad more so after a few hours at the bath! I don't feel I'm asking for to much! But when you are in the gay community its hard You have to measure up to a standard have a certain job! a certain income! You know the same thing everything looks for some one who has something to offer!, when your unemployed and have hiv with lingering other health issues it makes it very hard to find interested guys! Like usual when I start to tell some one I meet about who I am they loose interest very fast! Why bother I don't understand why I am feeling this way I think its this time of year that upsets me I know it is! This is why I don't like it! I feel down a lot of the time to begin with and to be reminded of what I don't have on a minute to minute basis is to much to bare! Oh I'm sorry I'm not a big laugh now I don't think I am a good read sad sad! But I don't post here for the ones reading I do it to try to get my feeling out there and explore them! To work through my subconscious mind and try and find a balance in my life! Of course I don't mind sharing with you this is why I do this on line! Your always welcome to my mind/life/ take it how you may! its me?

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