<$BlogRSDUrl$> Gay Canadian X Party Boy

Wednesday, October 20, 2004

Health update!

So I have been a total jerk and not updating this blog at all with some of what is so very important to me my health or hiv in most cases! So I'm finally over the cold I had its viral I've been told and everyone seems to be getting it! I was at a friends today to talk about covering the event this weekend at Woody's and he was very ill! Thank goodness for the pain meds the only benefit other than the pain relief seems to be when a bug goes around that gives you the need to be sitting on the toilet a lot that's no problem for me seen as morphine blocks you right up! Ouch ok so I guess its now time for me to start talking about my bowel movements on here! Ok its not like I don't share everything almost? So why not! Anyway so I got over this nasty cold and I mean nasty friking cold! In no time flat I used to be able to get over a cold but if you ask anyone who is positive they will more than likely tell you that it takes twice as long or more to get over something.... I was at the doc the other day and got some good news! The viral load is under 50 that mean undetectable that is very good! Seen as I haven't been partying much and not missing the pills I'm doing ok! Its to bad that most guys who die these days can't get it through there heads that if you party you are going to die if you have HIV its that simple you are putting your self one step closer to death each time! I know its not that simple and some will say ya everything you do is the same its all going to kill you! But if you know something is going to get you why not try and put it of rather than help it along the way! This is something I have had to learn over and over again! And I'm still doing it! But every time I pass the night out to the bar or the drugs I find that it is one more time just as easy the next to say no thank you and stay home and jerk of to some nice porn I've just downed to the com! Serious I don't want to spend the last few years of my life in and out of hospital C'mon who would! So back to the blood counts, So from a summer of mis behavin and missing my meds the last cd4 count went from 140 to 180 from 380 that is very bad 100 is full blown AIDS! And that is not good at all! No wonder I had felt like absolute crap the last few months.....I know its so easy to say just this time! It wont hurt but the thing is you get to a point where there is no going back, when its broken and you've pushed to much, there is just no repairing, nothing is going to make a diff, its that simple! I know my pancreas can fill you in anytime just ask me! I'll let the story speak for itself! Ok a bit of wacky typing for ya all as I like to type on here, let my mind flow so if you are a big stickler for English grammar I got news for you we are reinventing it as we go and I tell ya there is going to be slang and short hand internet lingo that will dominate soon just go into chat some time and look in for a tad! It don't make any mind!

So I have to every day at noon and then at midnight take my meds, I've been doing a good job of it and its showing never mind the constant reminder that I'm hiv every time I get the bottles out of my bed side table I go ok more pills! Its good I'm not complaining just the reality of it all the reminder helps to keep me in line because I know if Its not there I could be out in the bar the next day drunk and one step closer to the hospital again! It pains me to see 90% of the guys who have died in Toronto the last while are the ones that I saw or talked to some times! the ones who where in the bars and or baths drunk and/or hi all the time! Not for me I want to enjoy what time I have left with my life explore the world see things do thing meet people, I think the thing with some guys is that they just give up or have no one to support them some one to tell them that they are worth it, that they are good people that there is a reason for them to be there that they are not a toxic pool of disease and filth because believe me this is the reality and its harsh! Think about it to know that your touch could be fatal, it is a constant, you are at your weakest and happiest at the same time when your intimate with some one the time that is supposed to be the most beautifull between two people and all you can think about is that you equal death! Its the truth the reality behind HIV and Aids...I can only wonder what has become of the guy who infected me if he had known is he alive is he dead how many others did he give it to! So I am going on a ramble here but I feel that I must go back to the roots of my blog at times and remind myself why I started this and it was to help others, help me and share with others the reality of HIV and what it is like, to show others what you can do to your life and trust me there are people out there who need to know about this, there are people among us who want this on purpose I can't understand this IF you want to kill your self why not just get a gun and blow your head of! I know I hated my self years back and couldn't care at all about anyone or anything! If I could go back well lets not go there! Anyway point is you need to respect your self and love others and your self if you can't do that than ask some one for help! Your doctor your friends tell some one your not happy don't destroy your life and in turn others, think before you put others you care about at risk! Shame on those out there who care so little about there selves that they can inflict there misery on others purposefully! That is one thing I never did and I will never understand this is how some one could go out and try and hurt some one! The guy who I think gave me HIV said to me years later after I tried to help him get of the streets, oh I thought I told you I was hiv years back when we where a couple, I'm thinking you mother fucking bastard when we where at the hospital when I was converting(not knowing I was HIV) you where down my back saying you better not have hiv or give me something the entire time you had it and where lying to me! So this is what I mean how can some one be like this! You never know some one so never put your life in some ones hands because you can know some one for years and never really know who they are trust me I know!


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