<$BlogRSDUrl$> Gay Canadian X Party Boy

Friday, October 29, 2004

Feeling a lot alone the last few days! I don't seem to be happy with my social life or lac there of! I don't know how people do it work and then have time for there friends! And then I remember I'm only running on 1/4 of a tank or my energy is very low and my body can only give me so much to work with! It seems that most days I can only give so much and then I'm tired or there is a total lac of energy! I forget about this often I mean who wants to be in a constant state of remembering that there not 100% healthy, it's holding me back! I'm getting pissed of that I can only do so much! Well in some ways! I have to keep telling myself that I'm doing good but the fact there is not really anyone to share this with makes it hard to keep it up sometimes! I'm not into things so buying myself stuff doesn't even work! I've tried the last few months I've spent more on underwear than I have in the last ten years! One pair was over 80$ I was happy for a few minutes! Now if I had a hot man to look forward to and to share my hard work with I think I would be happy! I know shut up you bitch! C'mon what is it really guys what do we want! I read blogs like GeekSlut and I think is he happy all that sex and at the end of the day what is there? I could only wish for half of the action that lots of guys talk about on there blogs! I know I could get it but it just doesn't seem to be something that will make me happy! Or is it my insecurity that holds me back, I know I want to be a nasty big slut boy that goes out and sucks and fucks and gets fucked you name it as many times in one night but then when I get to the point where an opportunity is presenting itself I get introverted, I'm instantly transformed to this young geek shy geek riddled with self doubt and insecurity anxiety and panic! An example I'm at one of our spas here in Toronto the other night a few hot guys are after me I get nervous couldn't look them in the eye and then ended up hiding on the fourth floor until I got up the nerve to go home! I just don't get it! I think a part of me doesn't know how to have sex or be close to a man with out a chemical in me and this is trouble! I get hi and drunk and I'm #1 but with no memory of the guy or most times the night at all how fun is that! I'm very alone and its hurting sometimes! I was watching one of those long lost love reunion shows, it got me very sad boys I tel ya! The one that got away in my case the only one Derek! I remember now so many things I did that pushed him away! I was 23 but with the sexuality maturity of a fifteen year old having just come out and him with several years on his belt! I couldn't keep still or my dick in my pants! The thing that hurt the most is when I told him I was sleeping around he told me I was lying to make him upset! I wonder often if he thinks about me? We where inseparable! I have never felt so at peace with anyone ever in my life I still do love him! If only is something I find my self thinking way to much! I have tried to call him/look him up a few times but nothing! Its funny sometimes I think he is here in Toronto out of the corner of my eye I swear I've seen him! Wouldn't that be scary if he was here! Last I was aware of him he was still in Kamloops British Columbia and not much had changed with him! We fit together in some very real ways! I keep thinking that I will find something like that again or some resemblance at least! I can hope! In all honesty I was a very bad guy back then just coming out and having years of pent up anger to deal with and like I seem to always do I take it out on the ones close to me! I didn't think he would give up on me, I gave him no choice I was a huge mess! After 7 years I find myself knowing what the problems where and thinking why couldn't I get it then! Its just time it takes time and experience..Knowledge is Power! This is so true! I've lived what for some would be 5 life times but in some ways I've just began! How serial is that! You never can figure it out! That is what the whole thing is about! I have a strong urge to share my life with someone, I think its that human nature thing that is driving me instinctual feelings..I think about other men my age who have children I can only imagine what it must be like to have that! What it must feel like! Really feel like! Is that what is pushing me my genetics! Its perplexing, frustrating and wonderful all at the same time! The fact I struggle to take care of my self is the most difficult part of it all..The conclusion can only be to work harder at improving myself and then it will fall into place! I know this but still the effort is at times all together a struggle! You would think if you know me personally that I have it all together but who really knows me? Myself at odds most of the time with what I'm doing! I scare myself and amaze myself! I can only keep going and hope that I figure things out and in time find out what the equation is to my life, Why is it so hard at times it feels as much as I do its not enough and other times it seems so easy! This is life I have no choice but to accept it and move on! Make sense I don't know half the time that's the wonderful part of it all!

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