<$BlogRSDUrl$> Gay Canadian X Party Boy

Friday, October 29, 2004

Feeling a lot alone the last few days! I don't seem to be happy with my social life or lac there of! I don't know how people do it work and then have time for there friends! And then I remember I'm only running on 1/4 of a tank or my energy is very low and my body can only give me so much to work with! It seems that most days I can only give so much and then I'm tired or there is a total lac of energy! I forget about this often I mean who wants to be in a constant state of remembering that there not 100% healthy, it's holding me back! I'm getting pissed of that I can only do so much! Well in some ways! I have to keep telling myself that I'm doing good but the fact there is not really anyone to share this with makes it hard to keep it up sometimes! I'm not into things so buying myself stuff doesn't even work! I've tried the last few months I've spent more on underwear than I have in the last ten years! One pair was over 80$ I was happy for a few minutes! Now if I had a hot man to look forward to and to share my hard work with I think I would be happy! I know shut up you bitch! C'mon what is it really guys what do we want! I read blogs like GeekSlut and I think is he happy all that sex and at the end of the day what is there? I could only wish for half of the action that lots of guys talk about on there blogs! I know I could get it but it just doesn't seem to be something that will make me happy! Or is it my insecurity that holds me back, I know I want to be a nasty big slut boy that goes out and sucks and fucks and gets fucked you name it as many times in one night but then when I get to the point where an opportunity is presenting itself I get introverted, I'm instantly transformed to this young geek shy geek riddled with self doubt and insecurity anxiety and panic! An example I'm at one of our spas here in Toronto the other night a few hot guys are after me I get nervous couldn't look them in the eye and then ended up hiding on the fourth floor until I got up the nerve to go home! I just don't get it! I think a part of me doesn't know how to have sex or be close to a man with out a chemical in me and this is trouble! I get hi and drunk and I'm #1 but with no memory of the guy or most times the night at all how fun is that! I'm very alone and its hurting sometimes! I was watching one of those long lost love reunion shows, it got me very sad boys I tel ya! The one that got away in my case the only one Derek! I remember now so many things I did that pushed him away! I was 23 but with the sexuality maturity of a fifteen year old having just come out and him with several years on his belt! I couldn't keep still or my dick in my pants! The thing that hurt the most is when I told him I was sleeping around he told me I was lying to make him upset! I wonder often if he thinks about me? We where inseparable! I have never felt so at peace with anyone ever in my life I still do love him! If only is something I find my self thinking way to much! I have tried to call him/look him up a few times but nothing! Its funny sometimes I think he is here in Toronto out of the corner of my eye I swear I've seen him! Wouldn't that be scary if he was here! Last I was aware of him he was still in Kamloops British Columbia and not much had changed with him! We fit together in some very real ways! I keep thinking that I will find something like that again or some resemblance at least! I can hope! In all honesty I was a very bad guy back then just coming out and having years of pent up anger to deal with and like I seem to always do I take it out on the ones close to me! I didn't think he would give up on me, I gave him no choice I was a huge mess! After 7 years I find myself knowing what the problems where and thinking why couldn't I get it then! Its just time it takes time and experience..Knowledge is Power! This is so true! I've lived what for some would be 5 life times but in some ways I've just began! How serial is that! You never can figure it out! That is what the whole thing is about! I have a strong urge to share my life with someone, I think its that human nature thing that is driving me instinctual feelings..I think about other men my age who have children I can only imagine what it must be like to have that! What it must feel like! Really feel like! Is that what is pushing me my genetics! Its perplexing, frustrating and wonderful all at the same time! The fact I struggle to take care of my self is the most difficult part of it all..The conclusion can only be to work harder at improving myself and then it will fall into place! I know this but still the effort is at times all together a struggle! You would think if you know me personally that I have it all together but who really knows me? Myself at odds most of the time with what I'm doing! I scare myself and amaze myself! I can only keep going and hope that I figure things out and in time find out what the equation is to my life, Why is it so hard at times it feels as much as I do its not enough and other times it seems so easy! This is life I have no choice but to accept it and move on! Make sense I don't know half the time that's the wonderful part of it all!


Tuesday, October 26, 2004

Oh my after one of the busiest weeks I've had in my life I just slept for a entire two days! I need it though with the old body the way it is the only thing I could manage to do was get out a bed a take my pills and ten back to sleep! Oh boy....So of to the shower to and I really need it it freshen up! I tell you a boy that is in bed for a few days after a busy weekend with out a shower is very nasty! I can't believe I'm sharing my poor washroom habits of late really I'm a very clean boy in fact I shower an average of more than twice as long as almost every guy I've lived with or been around that happen t be in the shower!

Ok now where have I been that I've not seen or known anything about the new Stargate Atlantis! I love it love and can't stop thinking about it! I was a fan of the first show from the first min I watched now its all new and very very exciting! I've been busy busy on the Win MX downloading it to my Computer! I love it sleep for three days wake up and have bunch of shows fresh on your hard drive to watch! My have things changed the days when you had to wait weeks and weeks to watch a show are over!

Ok smelly ass in the shower and time to get on with my life what resemblance of it I can manage to pull together after neglecting all my responsibilities that is don't think that this boy can just sleep for two days and have no consequences I've been a very busy boy and there are people who are depending on me I only wish I could just say no half the time, but who wants to just sit around there apartment all day feeling sorry for them selves Hmm... Not me I've got a life to live one way or an other and if I have to deal with it with a few road blocks I will do it, its not like I've ever had an easy life, I've been on my own since I was 15 so nothing can stop me!

Phew of to the shower but not till I see the rest of Stargate Atlantis 01x03

One other thing look for my blog to be full of enthralled and mesmeriszeing posts from no on seen as I've got the bug back so to speak!


Monday, October 25, 2004

Well can you say success a Big fat success! With a big hug from the guy who I've been talking to at COLT for months we ended the night all happy and the bar busy as can be! I have a nice pair of Owen Hawks jock strap autographed and sitting on my Computer to show for the Night! I was fabulous there are so many people to Thank....

We raised over a 1000 for Torontos PWA Foundation from the silent auction and 50/50 and photo op! It was great I was beyond tired by the end of the night and then it was time to go to Bento the world largest Fetish party herein Toronto that I've been busy helping promote here in the village and at several other neighborhoods!

SO now I'm on the Hi that comes after a great event, its great COLT/buckshot Productions is happy with the day, Priape was busy and sold lots of videos and product so it worked out and the fans got to meet them in a more personal way! I'm so thrilled to be part of this and to bring a new and exciting thing to Torontos Gaybourhood, in fact at Woody's one of Torontos best gay bars they never play anything but soft porn, it was so funny looking at some of the faces at the bar who didn't know what was going on at first sort of shocked at what they where seeing, I can watch porn at most bars but not at Woody's ever! So Its just another aspect of the night that I made happen to bring in the new and exciting energy to the city! I have many ideas of other exciting events to bring to my city and who knows where else in the Future!

And to top it of we raised over a thousand dollars to help feed hungry people with HIV/Aids who can't leave there homes for due to illness..Its very similar to a service that seniors have....It felt amazing to hang out with the guys from Buckleroos I met up with two of them and there boss on this trip at there hotel the day before! To say hi and talk! I met Zak Spears and Dean Phoenix in there room and said hello it was funny they expected me to be some older guy that was nasty looking and where like your cute I'm taking you home with me! Ha I loved it! I had hoped to have more time with them to say hi but I was stressed to get everything done I needed and didn't have time to go for a meal or even a drink with them! But it was business after all and good business! I know for a fact we have bumped up there exposure here in Toronto and peeked interest in there line of videos from buckshot Productions!
The guys from the film where great Dean Phoenix and Owen Hawk are just as sexy and if not more in person and Zak is an amazing example of a big sexy guy with the most mesmeric deep seductive voice! Now I have to try on the Jock Strap from Owen Hawk OH my it looks a bit tattered I wonder what it feels like on Ok I'm going for sure! One more thing

The hosts of the show where great and amazingly funny! They guys felt at home from the looks of it and had a great time here!

Ok more about this day later I have to get some sleep and rest!

I'm Outz!

Oh ok I can't resist one more thing about the Owen Hawk Jock Strap that I have its smells sexy to! Nummy!


Wednesday, October 20, 2004

Health update!

So I have been a total jerk and not updating this blog at all with some of what is so very important to me my health or hiv in most cases! So I'm finally over the cold I had its viral I've been told and everyone seems to be getting it! I was at a friends today to talk about covering the event this weekend at Woody's and he was very ill! Thank goodness for the pain meds the only benefit other than the pain relief seems to be when a bug goes around that gives you the need to be sitting on the toilet a lot that's no problem for me seen as morphine blocks you right up! Ouch ok so I guess its now time for me to start talking about my bowel movements on here! Ok its not like I don't share everything almost? So why not! Anyway so I got over this nasty cold and I mean nasty friking cold! In no time flat I used to be able to get over a cold but if you ask anyone who is positive they will more than likely tell you that it takes twice as long or more to get over something.... I was at the doc the other day and got some good news! The viral load is under 50 that mean undetectable that is very good! Seen as I haven't been partying much and not missing the pills I'm doing ok! Its to bad that most guys who die these days can't get it through there heads that if you party you are going to die if you have HIV its that simple you are putting your self one step closer to death each time! I know its not that simple and some will say ya everything you do is the same its all going to kill you! But if you know something is going to get you why not try and put it of rather than help it along the way! This is something I have had to learn over and over again! And I'm still doing it! But every time I pass the night out to the bar or the drugs I find that it is one more time just as easy the next to say no thank you and stay home and jerk of to some nice porn I've just downed to the com! Serious I don't want to spend the last few years of my life in and out of hospital C'mon who would! So back to the blood counts, So from a summer of mis behavin and missing my meds the last cd4 count went from 140 to 180 from 380 that is very bad 100 is full blown AIDS! And that is not good at all! No wonder I had felt like absolute crap the last few months.....I know its so easy to say just this time! It wont hurt but the thing is you get to a point where there is no going back, when its broken and you've pushed to much, there is just no repairing, nothing is going to make a diff, its that simple! I know my pancreas can fill you in anytime just ask me! I'll let the story speak for itself! Ok a bit of wacky typing for ya all as I like to type on here, let my mind flow so if you are a big stickler for English grammar I got news for you we are reinventing it as we go and I tell ya there is going to be slang and short hand internet lingo that will dominate soon just go into chat some time and look in for a tad! It don't make any mind!

So I have to every day at noon and then at midnight take my meds, I've been doing a good job of it and its showing never mind the constant reminder that I'm hiv every time I get the bottles out of my bed side table I go ok more pills! Its good I'm not complaining just the reality of it all the reminder helps to keep me in line because I know if Its not there I could be out in the bar the next day drunk and one step closer to the hospital again! It pains me to see 90% of the guys who have died in Toronto the last while are the ones that I saw or talked to some times! the ones who where in the bars and or baths drunk and/or hi all the time! Not for me I want to enjoy what time I have left with my life explore the world see things do thing meet people, I think the thing with some guys is that they just give up or have no one to support them some one to tell them that they are worth it, that they are good people that there is a reason for them to be there that they are not a toxic pool of disease and filth because believe me this is the reality and its harsh! Think about it to know that your touch could be fatal, it is a constant, you are at your weakest and happiest at the same time when your intimate with some one the time that is supposed to be the most beautifull between two people and all you can think about is that you equal death! Its the truth the reality behind HIV and Aids...I can only wonder what has become of the guy who infected me if he had known is he alive is he dead how many others did he give it to! So I am going on a ramble here but I feel that I must go back to the roots of my blog at times and remind myself why I started this and it was to help others, help me and share with others the reality of HIV and what it is like, to show others what you can do to your life and trust me there are people out there who need to know about this, there are people among us who want this on purpose I can't understand this IF you want to kill your self why not just get a gun and blow your head of! I know I hated my self years back and couldn't care at all about anyone or anything! If I could go back well lets not go there! Anyway point is you need to respect your self and love others and your self if you can't do that than ask some one for help! Your doctor your friends tell some one your not happy don't destroy your life and in turn others, think before you put others you care about at risk! Shame on those out there who care so little about there selves that they can inflict there misery on others purposefully! That is one thing I never did and I will never understand this is how some one could go out and try and hurt some one! The guy who I think gave me HIV said to me years later after I tried to help him get of the streets, oh I thought I told you I was hiv years back when we where a couple, I'm thinking you mother fucking bastard when we where at the hospital when I was converting(not knowing I was HIV) you where down my back saying you better not have hiv or give me something the entire time you had it and where lying to me! So this is what I mean how can some one be like this! You never know some one so never put your life in some ones hands because you can know some one for years and never really know who they are trust me I know!


Saturday, October 16, 2004

Hmmm I'm thinking about what I have named this blog and about changing the name! Its not so much who I am anymore! I don't party any more and I have come to deal with the past and what effects it had on my body and health! Plus there is the fact that I'm very busy pushing parties promoting events (now producing) you name it from out there at 4 in the morning pasting up posters all over the gaybourhood!

So does this make me a hypocrite or not! calling myself X party Boy, I don't know! I want to keep the name I'm thinking just because so many know about it now, you can't put anything in google that has anything to do with gay and not find my blog in the first few pages its funny, I did a search for my actual name on line and the MarthaTalks web site came up first how fitting is that. The site that Martha Stewart has to relate and to convey her thoughts to her loving fans me being one of them, She is a calm in the storm for me when I watch her on TV...I'm sad though because I can't find the show on the air anymore....But for one US channel that has it on at 3 in the morning.....I can't wait for her to get out of jail and be the TV mom she is to all of us and to brighten up the day with all the good things she has to share! Really you say! It's true I am a big fan you could say! + I love good things not that I can afford to buy 99% of the things on her show but I can look, and the way things are going as of late the only thing that will get in my way to success is this dam cold(weather)! I tell you its a bitch when you are doing 98% of your work outside, I had one new guy helping me last night and he just up and quit in an hour! He calls me "I don't want to do this sorry!" I'm like ok buddy! He brings all the posters paste ect. Back to me and then waits there like ok where is my money for the hour I worked! Hmmm so I gave him the money and said goodbye! He told me it was to messy or not fun please! Give me a break! Screw them all the ones out there who are lazy I mean really I'm trying to make things for me happen and along the way spread the wealth among others I'm very very tired of lazy ass people who are just along for the ride to hitch on the wave of my success and get what ever they can for nothing! I can't tell you how many time I've felt the last few weeks like people I've offered work to who most wouldn't bother to are taking advantage of me! Really though its not bad but I can't help feeling this way! I'll see how it is! I'm thinking about taking up some offers I have to go to California or To MĆ©xico for the Winter! Now how cool would that be! Any one on here reading this want to offer to host me for a few days! I'm serious I'm freezing my cute but of up here! I know I'm very fortunate to be in this country but at times I wish my family had come from warmer parts...

Ok I've vented and feel better after all that's what your blog is good for at times to get things of your chest! Plus I'm stressed I have a doctor appointment in a week to talk to my surgeon about the operation I'm going to have on my pancreas this winter some time I've been putting it of but my family doc keeps telling me I have to get this taken care of before I end up in a worse of shape he said to me he is concerned about the amount of pain killers I'm on! I've been told by one doctor that the pain I'm in is only comparable to cancer, if you think about it its a similar disease growth of tissue in my case I have cysts that are growing in me the size of a large apple at the biggest I one the size of a grapefruit a few years ago! Lets put it this way the amount I'm taking a day would knock out the average person for days if they took the same amount! But for me when your in pain big time it just goes to the pain and blocks it! The thought of having my stomach cut open from top to bottom scares the hell out of me we are talking about a week in the hospital and three plus weeks in recovery! They are going to go in and cut a hole in the back side of my stomach and then cut the pancreas where the cysts are and stitch them together my stomach and pancreas so the fluids that are building up in the cysts will drain into my stomach and out of my body! Sounds dramatic but seriously it is I have been in denial for months about the entire prospect of the whole thing! I finally stopped drinking in excess and thought hoped that that would be enough but it hasn't I have damaged myself to no repair! So this is my state of mind at 4:30 in the morning! Its been a stressful few days with so much demand on my time and my inability to just say no to more work is getting problematic! A dear friend of mine said to me just say no! I'm going to and that's that I can only do so much! I'm going to go to bed now so take care of your self every one and remember your the only one that has to answer to your self at the end of the day so don't take your life for granted because it can all of a sudden be in jeopardy! Life is fragile take it from some one who knows, Who just got over a nasty cold! That would of took days to get over if I was not immune compromised as they like to so eloquently put it in certain circles!

Every breath should be valued because life can be taken away from you in a moment its precious and deserves to be treated so! I only hope that anyone reading this learns this lesson sooner that later because when it gets to the point when your older and just figuring this out you are inevitably struck with painful thoughts of regret and sadness!

On that note I'm of to bed...Long day ahead of me I can't wait till next Saturday, I'm so so so excited about this big event I'm doing! I was at Woody's tonight to see the best legs show and they talked about the event and I was all smiles from ear to ear! And felt so very proud of myself and my friends who are there with me to make this happen!

Night night all

I'm outz!


Wednesday, October 13, 2004

So its 2:24 in the morning and I'm still up so I figure I'll post on my blog!

I'm going crazy trying to do to many things and not having enough time!

With my party/event on the go and details constantly needing to be planed and worked out and then completed its daunting at times with the anticipation of it all and the unknown the stress that it will be a successful event is the most difficult to deal with! I hope that we get a big turn out I have allot riding on the success of this event! I'm sure it will be but you never know and I tend to be the one who obsesses on the you never know part!

Please don't get me wrong I'm very very happy to be linked with such a big company as Colt and to have them come up here and for me to be a part of it is great! I know we will be successful I am most often successful at what ever I do...

I'm starting to get everything in order for the silent auction part of the night at Woody's, with the help of my darling friend at Thunderstar Presents of course! I was honored when he agreed to help me get this event going, help out with all aspects of it, we are co producing the event! I had started to get a bit nervous when the time came to get this project of the ground, I've been working on this for months for the first few it was all over the internet via email! When it came time to go to the next step I found myself needing to have some help so being that I had worked with Thunderstar Presents before and became good friends with the guy behind the company I asked him to help me and to guide me with things I wasn't sure about, its been a great duo him and I, I'm very proud of the work we have done so far....

the first item for the silent auction is now confirmed and in my possession,

Thanks to a dear friend of mine I was able to get a fabulous work of art from Steve Walker a very famous local artist from Toronto

He has very kindly donated a Large Poster Print and a calendar

The print is called Revelations, 1996

and the calendar human / nature
a 2005 Calendar

Both have been signed by Steve Walker

I am very happy to know such kind and amazing people to help out with this event its not just me that makes this happen its a very large group of amazing beautiful people who are willing to give and help with no questions asked and I love it!

I have to thank the printers for helping to get the posters done in no time and kindly donating there time to do some editing on the posters and to give me twice the amount for the same cost, Thank you very much.....If your in Toronto and need some posters they will help in any way you need from design to printing there very talented there give them a call! When I was doing the Lesbian party street promotions they where the boss behind that Job! By the way Girl 5ive is now going to be once a month for any local girls who may be reading this!

So I have finally got down and put a half decent post on the old blog I tell ya all its been very hard to commit time to this blog as I'm very tired after a long day of work, with the immune system and old pancreas issues I forget sometimes that I have a limit that is sometimes not as high as I would like! The most important thing is that I maintain my health and stay away from the temptations in life, I've been doing a good job of it and I'm feeling good and improving every day! More to come on that later....

I'm outz busy day ahead of me, and it feels great!


Monday, October 11, 2004

Here is the poster for the event I have posted about that I'm Producing!

COLT Studio Group
in association with Torjock Productions &
Thunderstar Presents

I had to convert the file from pdf to jpeg to put on the host site and the program put a water mark on the poster! Anyone know where I can download a program that will not leave water marks?

I'm outz!

Well I've been so busy and with a nasty cold that won't go away! I tell yah there is a lot involved to put together an event!I've Been working on the posters for the last week and trying to get sponsors to be a part of it gathering up all the logos is a task in it self trying to get everything in order before going to print! Crazy! So when I'm not busy with this project I'm sleeping trying to get over this cold! I don't seem to get better! So I'm resting as much as I can! I'm trying to make sure everything is perfect and at the same time getting stressed, So far every one involved is very happy with my work! I'm of to bed to try and shake this cold of! I will be here more often, its kind of been like I've gotten of the blogger buzz! I think if I try to get back here more often I will get in the grove of blogging again! Oh it's getting cold here in Toronto! It's this time of year when I miss Vancouver big time!

I'm outz to bed and rest!


Saturday, October 02, 2004

Well its now official so I can release the info of the party I'm producing here in Toronto with a dear friend of mine.....
Ive been working on this for month and am very excited to Bring the the Buckshot Men
From COLT here to Toronto it's going to be a great night and day at PRIAPE, I couldn't think of a more appropriate organization than PWA the food for life program, that brings meals to home bound people suffering from HIV/AIDS....When I asked COLT if they would support the idea of raising money for PWA during the event they where very happy to do so....I am very proud of this and I hope it to be the first in a long line of events by myself or in collaboration with my dear friend at ThunderStar Presents! Hey for your first party porn and sex are a good start I'm thinking....I've been involved with parties bars events for years and now I'm calling the shots so to speak, If your here in Toronto look in the currant issue of Xtra for the Woody's add you will see the event listed...How good did it feel when I picked up the local gay paper and saw a product of my work there for everyone to see! I'm very happy, You will see what I'm calling my self Torjok Productions The name has a meaning but only I know it for now!....Look for posters soon on the streets of Toronto...Also I'm very happy that the community here has joined us to be a part of this and donate items to are silent auction! We hope to raise tons of cash for PWA....Let me know what you think...Plus I would like to call on all my fellow bolggers friends who have been here to support me and share in my life to help me and to spread the word about this event in Toronto! Put a link to this post or Copy the text below to as post....I'm sure that we can have this around the world in days....Every bit of exposure will help to raise money for the People here in Toronto living with HIV/Aids who can't leave there homes to buy food to have a healthy meal every day delivered to there door! I know how important this service is myself having used it for several months a few years back when I was sick out of the hospital!

Cheers and thanks everyone for your help!

COLT Studio Group

Buckshot Production



2 pm 6 pm

Party with the Buckshot Men
8PM 11PM

The Buckshot Men of BuckleRoos

Have your pictures taken with the Buckshot Men

silent Buckshot Mens underwear auction
COLT T-Shirts
COLT Calendars

Premier Screening of BuckleRoos


in association with Torjock Productions & Thunderstar Presents


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