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Thursday, June 24, 2004

Some thing I've been thinking about when my mind is drifting! I'm in need of a man in my life, I'm feeling like Its time now, I'm healthy and improving every day! I'm feeling a bit lonely tonight! Sure I know hundreds of guys but none the way I want to know them! A friend! Who is My lover boyfriend ect! I'm not into casual sex much! I don't know! It seems the guys who are into me want only sex and then good bye! Funny today a guy I know, see him around say hi that's about it asked me if I would escort his older friend asked him to ask me if he gave me 400 I would sleep with him! I think not, I'm a Ho but not for money honey I was thinking! But the idea of fast cash was a bit tempting be it only for a moment!...

So why are nasty old men thinking I'm a prostitute and the hot sexy men are elusive! I know I'm a bit of a bitch but everyone always says I'm a nice guy, friendly, cute good looking ect. ect. So where are the boys! I think what I need to do is make my self more approachable! The thing is I'm having to learn how to meet guys all over again, before I was always drunk and Hi so there was no problem I would make out with 5+ guys a night at a bar, Now its all way more complicated and hard on the nerves when your sober the game is hard to play!....Plus the HIV holds me back big time at times I feel as if my hand are tied and my mind shuts down when I meet someone, instantly HIV floods my thoughts and the fear of rejection makes me step back, this is my fate I hope! I can find a way to deal with this, I'm getting really frustrated with this, but what can I do,I'm thinking its going to take more time, but I ask my self How long! How long before I figure it out!

Ouch its past my bed time!

Who know maybe I already know the man for me and I just don't know it yet! Hmmmm...

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