<$BlogRSDUrl$> Gay Canadian X Party Boy

Monday, April 19, 2004

I was looking over the web page to Merritt that I put in the previous post and just started crying! I haven't been there since I was 20 I'm guessing sometime around there, I spent many years when I was a kid with my Grandmother by Marriage my half sisters Fathers Mother, She was always Grand mom to Me in Fact she spent most of my childhood helping me and taking care of me! I was a very troubled child and she was the only one there all the time, you see my mother was a drug addict and alcoholic and sent me to stay with her all the time! It was my second home! When I moved out of Foster care when I was 16 going on seventeen I moved out on my own young I know but I was ready I was so ready! I helped her after all the years she was there for me, I put the poor lady through hell I was so mean and used her so much but she never gave up on me, I spent three years helping her with her yard work and her business she owned and operated a small Buty Shop or Hair salon I spent many a day there I grew up around little old ladies getting there hair done in fact I used to help my Grandmother all the time with the customers It was so small town the business she had customers that had been going to see her for 40 years and every week, I sure miss her I can't stop crying as I type this, When I got close to 20 Her deadbeat loser Son My sisters father decided after he screwed his life up by getting crippled in a car wreck that he caused by being a drunken driver Ass hole that he was....Any way after I spent three years or so helping her with everything he moved in and wouldn't let me see her anymore! She was getting old and I would have stayed to help her for as long as she needed me! Well I slowly was cut of from her the only person in my life at the time! I tried to see her but every time he was around! I know she wanted to see me and hated what he was doing but he was her son! He was a loser and was never around ever until he needed to take over her life because he was useless from his injuries! So he moved in on her life and took over! Got her to sell of her business, It was probably time but she didn't seem to have much of a say in it seen as her finances where getting bad and he had money so she sighed over everything to him....My sister at the time was not around I don't remember where she was, Anyway I started to loose contact with her slowly When I tried to call he would answer and not let me talk! I know she loved me and wanted to see me It was very sad time for me! Last time I saw her a few year later my Sister all grown up at this time,took her to Kamloops to see me! I was in University I went to see her at a mall she was half the person she was you could tell that she was not well It ripped my heart apart to see her like that All broken down
and fragile She had a hard life and it had taken a toll on her, She had spent most of her last years taking care of me and my sister, I was not really her grandson but she never made me feel that I wasn't She spent almost 20 years fixing up the screw ups of her son and my mother! Oh man I wish I didn't go to that web site,Pineridge Cemetary
There was A picture of the grave yard posted on it I have never really dealt with her Death! In fact every time I wash my hair or see anything to do with the hair or buty salon business in the old world sense I get upset thinking about her! I never got to say good bye, Any way the last time I had saw her like I was saying she was sick my sister took her to Kamloops
where I Was living,She had just got out of the Hospital, I couldn't believe it half her face had been cut out from Cancer! She had this black spot on her nose I used to tell her over the years that it looks like its getting bigger, It was I would tell her to go to the Doctor I know it is something I would say She refused to see a doctor, It turns out that she had Cancer it was all inside her right eye and nose! I found out later that she hadn't been to a doctor in 20 years I was crushed I was always trying to get her to GO....I used to tell her I was going to kid nap her and drag her to see a doc! Any way Because she was not allowed to see me Because my ex stepfather refused to let her see me I lost contact with her completely......A few years later I was in Vancouver In lot of
trouble I was always getting my self into trouble, I remember she was always there when I was younger to help! SO I'm In Vancouver full fledged gay boy at this Time, I come to realize that the main reason I couldn't see her was because I was gay and My sisters Father was a fucking Homophobic ass hole among other things he was racist a Dirty greasy Biker as in Harley! Any way I tried to call her and talk on Christmas on year ANd I find out that She had died What a day to get that I was Drunk and turned into a big big Mess I couldn't stop crying for hours and Hours I spent all
day and weeks after HI and Drunk just to push my feelings away! Oh I could see this coming when I started to think about the past this is why I keep it buried its very painful to bring it up for me! So I find out she has died and six months before I called, The jerk off didn't even call me or try to tell me in any way! I was devastated and still am very emotional about this...She was everything to me Seeing the graveyard pictures And knowing that she is there now really breaks me up I so so so want to be there now and just talk I don't know Something flowers anything! Im worried I'll never be able to get there again its so far away, seems a world away from me now! Oh my I'm not going through this anymore for now! I have to try and get there some day and get some kind of closure, Something....It scares the hell out of me to go back there to Vancouver the west that's where my life fell apart the drugs the booze the mess I left behind, I wonder if I'm strong enough to face it again! I really do can I should I don't know and I'm so screwed in the head now I want some answers to make things easy I'm just frustrated I guess! Memory association if you took sociology or psychology you learn about it in the first year simple stuff every memory is linked in some way, I say the color red ok close your eyes and think about red and stop reading this after you finish this sentence what pops in your head after red the next and next thing stop close your eyes for a minute and keep going STOP reading and try!

Ok so now you know a little about how the brain works memories are all linked you smell pine scent you think of trees you then think of green that camping trip the water the sun bugs ect ect it goes on next thing you know your closing your eyes and you transported back to some past experience..Seeing the web page for Merritt really was a punch in the psyche for me Wow Now I know why I try and keep it repressed Because I can't let my self regret and I have to move on But I tel ya I was so hurt and I can't stand parents who are homophobic or that hurt there children because of there own stupidity or abandon there children for there own selfish selves, This man My sisters father was a horrible miserable man and he caused a lot of pain to everyone around him, Last I was told by an old friend that he kicked my sister out of my grandmothers house with her baby, My grandmother loved my sister more than anything in the world, She was the only thing he gave her in his pathetic life my sister....He has got what he deserved in the long run I guess his legs all full of steel plates and screws he can't walk very well a big pathetic mess that sits feeling sorry for him self! Man I'm going on here!
So if you decide to go looking at a web page from a place that holds many memories remember that it might open the flood gated of the mind!
One thing that I think is that at least she is at peace now, I remember once I asked her why she didn't have any more children after my sisters father, She started crying and told me that her bastard husband at the time gave her vd and she had to have a hysterectomy! I couldn't believe it that she opened up to me, She would tell me all kinds of things I don't think she talked to anyone else about in her life, its sad she turned to alcohol and was a bad alcoholic the last few years I realized that she had had a hard life and I know because I put her through a lot of it But that's why I was there for her anything she asked me I did it no questions asked I would have done anything for her, It was cute after years of fighting with her about her drinking the last couple years I would go get her beer or vodka for he I know now why she used it to escape from her life, I really think that I was the only man in her life that didn't hurt her including her own son, She was great I found out later that she would send gifts in the mail that she mailed marked as from her son that was the kind of women she was, Beautiful and I hope she is a peace now, I love her so much and her memory will always be with me!
one memory that I will always remember is one thing she would ask me she would say your funny aren't'y your funny! I'd look at her as if I had no idea what she was going on about! I would smirk at her and she would say you are funny and smile and give me a look that it was ok and she loved me, what she was saying was your gay and its ok I know Her word for gay was funny...A smile is on my face now It was good to remember her I miss her so!


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