<$BlogRSDUrl$> Gay Canadian X Party Boy

Sunday, April 18, 2004

A bit about my being a drug addict for those who need to here about how I stopped the destructive behavior, a note though I'm still working every day and its hard but the real honest plain almost tragic truth is that it does get easier as you go day by day Just remember what it feels like lying in bed all day later still up can't sleep your jaw so f**cking sore from grinding your teeth and cramped all up your mouth looks like you took a cheese grater to it, hell and who can forget all the twitching its fun when your hands are not under your control!How about a free trip to the ER I had one of them one night did a half water bottle of G oh and some coke and some E and some crystal oh ya I was hard core and what to wash it down with but double rye and coke hmmmm wake up naked tube out of my nose out my mouth in my dick in my arm Fun hey how about the chest the crash paddle thing that zapped my heart back oh ya that felt really good ouch I was DOA was told I was on the street for an hour before someone called an ambulance....Oh man it pains me to talk about it shortly after this I moved from Vancouver! Serious what about that guy you really liked but didn't go up to him because you where embarrassed because a part of you knows what you really look like when you HI not pretty And I mean guys
on E and other drugs like it are nasty when there Hi, TRUST ME I KNOW I worked at Fly(Toronto bar)for a summer a few years ago and at four in the morning I couldn't look at any of the guys in the face because it made me hurt inside to see the looks on there faces all trying to have a good time just wanting to not be alone be part of a group...And its true you will be alone for a while because when you stop after you have had enough and you find out that you never really had any fun Your going to have to leave that group of guys behind and move on there is so many guys out there that don't do that kind of night, remember when you where in University I do WE would study for hours go out for coffee movies there is a whole world out there, but its hard the clubs they call you the boys the sex, well forget the sex because your dick is useless, and hey why bother coming out if you can't use your dick then hey..Hmmmm Point made! I could go on I have been at the worst of the party life and the best AAA list that means shit because everyone on it most times are to fucked to care about you they can just keep there life together enough to look good, funny thing is that the guys that think they look good most often don't, the drugs age you fast very fast and look at me my health problems, you can't say that having a crystal pipe out of my face up for 7 days at a time didn't hurt me big time....
When you have had your fun remember what you wanted to do with your life and reach for it again, I'm trying this now moving on after being so lost for so long I'm confused half the time but getting a bit ahead in the mental department every day, I screw up and go on but the good thing is the screw ups a further apart now, I don't miss it as much the more time that goes By...
I'm thinking what would happen if I called all the friends I had before I turned to drugs would they be there for me now that I've figured some things out?
There all in Vancouver far far far away, I do miss it sometimes knowing everyone being everywhere its true but I must move on for my life is at stake I am one of the ones that had that big scare that life altering event, I hope some who may be sharing my life with me that it doesn't come to that for you...If it does remember who you where before and that that person is still in there he just need some help and your the only one that can start the rescue than others will step in to help you on your way to finding your self again!!

Wow I was thinking about drugs and party party party life you know! Some times I with that I could go back if I had known or felt as I do now...I really do its a shame that life is that way you have to really feel the hurt the burn the sting of a wound before you star to step away and retreat lick your wounds and heal you body and mind!
I found the hope again and its out there I know trust me it can be done!

night night

And to the guy that emailed me from TO I feel you and understand what your going through deep down in my heart and I will be there for you don't you worry You can count on me to be there to listen, be your friend Its up to you I will be in contact with you soon! And this goes for any one else out there who needs to talk about what ever if you see things here that you are going through I can listen and let you know about me and what I did ect share and help each other thats what life is all about

Long day here worked my little ass of and hey I have three employees first time for every thing and I thought I would never feel like an adult, hey but well I don't so big boy trying to be adult when ever that happens I'll let ya know!

Night Night again
please understand that I believe that you can party if you have control and are stable in most ways, There is fun to be had out there, but I think now its clean fun for me, its crazy the last few times I was out I had fun, one two beers thats it no coke no nothing, and I felt great....Every time gets easier and that is fucked up the way it is......You don't miss it if your not doing it something like that!
ps sorry for the bad words sometimes I can't seem to express my self with out the power they have!
and i'm out of orbit for sure this time!


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