Sunday, September 28, 2003
I found out as well that My HIV is really bad, my T4 cell count is less than 300 and when that happens, that is when it gets below 200 you have Aids, I'm very scared right now and need to try and figure things out, oh my, I have to stop this post for now...
Please don't get me wrong I have a lot to be happy about, it's just hard to be thankful the last few weeks.
Email me if you like
Saturday, September 20, 2003
Well I have been through a lot and now find that I have time again to come back to blogging, in fact I think that I need to for my health, when I was blogging I found I could sort through my life.....
Some tried to shut me up and tell me what I could say here and they thought they won well after being beat up a bit I won and will be back and stronger than ever!
Its late and I just fixed my computer after months of not being able to use IE or any other browser except for the very basics, very frustrating I had to f disk and start over for the first time.....
Well I am back
I will soon be publishing my old posts from April to June 2003 and try my best to fill in the rest till now....
It feels good to be back!
I have missed all of you, I hope some are still readings this or looking to see what is going on with Gay Canadian X Party Boy!
Night Night all
I have to work the next few days so look back on Monday night....
My email willl be from now on, if you are here from before please let me know about what you think of my come back!
So I hope to see many come and share my life with me and to grow and learn new things...You will some times here some very sorted things about me so please don't be shocked easy...
[6/8/2003 6:01:04 PM
As you can see things look very different here at Gay Canadian X Party Boy My Life What did I do?
I had a very strange experience today! Because of my blog I had a personal problem, Something I would have shared here but can't do anymore, I'm not going to go into details except to say that this blog was always an un personal thing for me, I mean that I didn't know anyone that was reading this and never thought that sharing my life here would have a negative impact on me, it has. Some one that was reading my blog told some one I know about it and then they read it, this blog was as much as it could be supposed to be anonymous no one reading it would know me and I could freely express my feelings and share my life, my goal in the beginning was only to work through my life to help deal with things and the other main idea behind this blog was to help other gay people to deal with coming out and learn about what the party life can do to you if left uncontrolled.
Some thing I said on here could have been severely misconstrued and turned around and in return could hurt me and the people around me that I care about, I had the best intensions always and never really thought that what I was trying to do here would be used against me, I was made aware today that this blog and what I share could hurt others life's and interests, that is not what I wanted to do and am very sorry if I may have indivertibly caused harm from simply sharing my life online. So unfortunately this will be the last entry in my blog, I'm very upset that I have to do this, in fact I've got tears in my eyes that what I have done here could be so misunderstood! I wish that I would have had more insight into what I was sharing and been a little more discreet about certain things in my life, in fact the post that has caused this blog to end was considered by me if I should share it or not, its so sad that I didn't think about the certain element of the gay society that might miss understand what I was saying and in turn try and hurt me and what I hold very close to me, my life.
So it brings me much sadness to say that this is the end of Gay Canadian X Party Boy My Life What did I do?
I'm very proud of this blog and what I've tried to accomplish here, I would like to thank all that supported me and stayed with me through it all!
I wouldn't have passed up this opportunity for anything! I have had the opportunity to meet others from all over the world, I can only hope that I helped one person to make some choices in life that could help them to come out and learn from my mistakes.
Good bye every one and Thank You for being there!
I wish every one a good life and don't forget to take really good care of your self because no one else will!
Canadian X Party Boy My
To all that have been here from the beginning or that come back all the time, my readers (fans)
All is not lost!
I have decided to ask you all to email me and tell me about who you are and how long you have been reading my blog, after I'm sure who you are and that you are not going to try and hurt me! My point is that I want to keep in contact with anyone that considers themselves a part of my life through my blog. A fan, some one that cares about me and what I have to share...
I plan on taking this more personal, and from now on only send an e-mail version of my blog out, but only to a small select group of people that can prove to me who they are and what there intensions are.
email me at (note this in a new email to help protect my identity)
I look forward to hearing from anyone that wants to keep in contact with me
Good bye all and Peace to you and the World
Gay Canadian X Party Boy
[6/5/2003 9:23:34 PM
I'm just to stressed out the last few days, I'm having a hard time trying to do the right things in life! You make a decision and regret it or not. Did I do the right thing is always what I want to do but how do you know what you did is going to be the smart choice, I'm talking about moving! I'm going crazy with regret, and at the same time so excited about the move starting new and fresh, its the unknown that has me upset the uncertainty of it al is daunting and consuming. I cant stop thinking what if something goes wrong! I really think I made the right decision for my sanity, but was I being selfish do I deserve more or was what I had good enough? I don't know sometimes what to do? Some times I long for the time when I was a child when Life seemed so much easier!
Other than going mad I've been resting my leg, its ok now and I think I've healed, thank god for that I was having a hard time at work...Been out to the bars a few times this week, same old same old stuff wasted to much money for nothing but a hangover...I didn't evan manage to meet a guy, I know that there are many that want me in fact its a bit crazy the amount of guys that cruise me, some times I spend more time turning down guys than I would like, crazy you would think I should be a sex machine, but the thing is its most often the guys I don't like that bother to talk to me! If only I could get over my shyness and make an effort to talk to the guys that I'm into, I used to have no problem picking up a man, but that's when I would get drunk out of my mind, now that I have more control over my drinking I find that I have a hard time meeting guys, its like I have to learn all over again. Its so frustrating. Any way I know that some day I will meet the guy of my dreams, do I have a guy of my dreams? I don't know, maybe that's the problem I need to figure out what I want...Last night this girl I know at a bar told me I look great so happy amazingly good, I had a sparkle in my eye, basically that I was hot, she said to me that I'm back she meant that I was healthy again in her own words, I've been fighting hard for my health and her saying that I looked good was nice to here! I'm back and for along time I hope, the fight now is to stay healthy and that's not easy I tell you, there are way to many distractions, So I need to once again try to stay away from the clubs....
Speaking of that I was going to go to a big party this weekend, its called Babylon a big night that is going to remake the bar on Queer as folk I got the ticket and every thing, But I decided not to go after all, I have to work and that's number one, and my health to I can't let that go..So I am going to sell the ticket to a friend of mine. That's it I'm happy I can make the good choice the right one that's my goal to stay healthy and fight against the distractions that want to lead me astray of the path of health...Does this make any sense? I don't know I'm getting so confused!
Well that's it for now
Night Night all
Gay Canadian X Party Boy
[6/3/2003 2:21:50 AM
One thing I added a new link list a few days ago and I'm wating to see all the links that you all post, I'm open to any one linking from my blog, so don't be shy, I kinda think it would be cool for others to see who is reading my blog!
Just click on the add your site url that is colored orange, its so easy....
I don't know just a thought...
Hugs to every one
Gay Canadian X Party Boy
[6/3/2003 1:54:11 AM
Well I survived the weekend and I am still trying to get my leg to heal! It seems just when things are going good for me Some thing goes wrong, I once was told or read about that people can be some how genetically programmed to fail or have bad luck others might say, or is it when things get hard I just give up and stop fighting? Its so easy to just stay in bed and watch the world go by! I think I'm hitting a spot or a bump on that path I've talked about the one that should lead to me being happy and getting what I want in life!
So the Fashion Cares will come again next year and I can work harder next year and I will for sure not ware the wrong shoes, I will be extra careful next year! It always seems to come back to my health body and mind.
Fashion Cares was a big success from what I hear so I'm happy that I helped in my way with all the posters I put up!
So my problem with the room mates has been solved I decided to give My notice to move out and start the hunt for a new home! Its crazy the way we do things when it comes to moving! I had to think real hard about doing this and if I could handle the stress, in the past I've not done well when it came to finding a new home! In fact I've ended up on the street in the past, but that had allot to do with my drinking and party life style. I know that will not happen this time but wow am I stressed out, moving is the worst your whole life is thrown up in the air. I think I have a place lined up and it will be very close to work, I have my fingers crossed on this one and I hope it works out! More to come on this one...
I have been thinking about moving out of this place for months now, the rent is cheap but I'm not happy here, so its not worth it to save money and not be happy, living with five guys is to much I need some space and a home that I can call my own! I think it has a lot to do with the fact that the guys I'm living with now do nothing for me, they don't seem to be going any where with there lives and seeing what there doing with there lives makes me sad, I want people around me that are working at improving there lives and have a positive energy about them, there is no growth where I am now and it brings me down! I could go on and on needless to say I want to have happy positive, goal orientated people around me, And if what I plan works out I will have all that around me and more, I don't think anything could make me more happy, but more to come on that when I know for sure, but in the mean time I will have to hit the streets and find a back up place, the hunt starts this Thursday, I'm so scared and feel over whelmed but I have to do this, Its one of the last steps that I feel I have to make to achieve what I need to be happy. A place to live that I want to be in, for so many years I have just settled for what ever I could find or what came to me easy, not this time I'm going to find a place that is good for me and will influence me in positive ways! Oh but I'm so nervous, I do so hope that what I have planned works out, and I can stay at the place I have in mind, I just have to get all the parts in order to make it work, I'm 90% sure that it will go the way I want. I'm so excited and terrified at the same time I'm going to need all my strength to get through this month.
On the men front well its officially dead my love life, all three guys I've meet this past month are no shows, I think it would have to do a lot with the fact that I called rarely and didn't follow up on plans, I think it was because I didn't feel anything for any of them. There wasn't that spark that got me, there was no longing to call them or make plans or to pursue a relationship. Will I find that guy that whisks me of my feet and that I can get lost in love with? Uh I hope so but when is the question when! I think that I'm not ready I need to work on myself some more, and when I'm completely healthy mind and body it will happen.
Speaking of health I'm worried about my Body I seem to be not handling things to good, I get this rash, red blotchy spots on my arms, its HIV related dermatitis, I get it when I'm stresses out or my body is tired, Its the first time I've had the rash in a while! When I got HIV I used to be covered from head to toe in the rash, in fact its partly how I found out I had HIV because I went to the hospital to see what was wrong. Its always there to remind me this dam virus if I get weak its on top of me to remind me, its like Hey you, watch out, I'm here and don't you forget, I think my pancreas is flaring up to I've been getting more pain the last few days...I hope I can get through this I just am so tired of my health getting in the way of what I want in life, some times I feel like just giving up, what's the point Its only going to get worse, But I can't NO I can't think like that any more, not me No, I have to be strong and not let it beat me...
Oh man I'm so stressed out now I need to get my rest,
I'm ok Its just hard very hard to be strong when things seem to be going wrong when I'm trying so hard to make it work, my life that is....
I just need to keep busy and manage my rest and time well so that I can do what I want, I know what I need to do I just need to figure it all out!
Keep busy with pride, Pride is on the way and there is so much to do!
Can I manage every thing and take care of my self at the same time I think so! I have to I have no other choice....
Night Night all
I have some serious thinking to do
Gay Canadian X Party Boy
[6/2/2003 2:21:07 AM
Well If you ever thought should I just look good or be sensible when it comes to shoe ware well trust me take the shoes that will avoid injury, I know for sure I know. Thinking back to last Saturday the open doors Toronto! Well I decided to ware a nice pare of way to uncomfortable big old black shoes type boots....So I injure my calf muscle on my right leg...Keep in mind I have to work volunteer for Fashion Cares and for Pride...
Well I thought it was not that big of a thing my leg would be ok! Well I was wrong its Thursday last week and I have to call in sick....
I go out to this favorite queer rock night called Vazaleen, The best hard core alternate gay punk rock night I've ever been to, I love it its the crazy night that has bands from all over the world you never here about the way out there crowd the kind your mother would warn you about but the crowd that you really want to see,
So I go to this party and with in a few hours my dam leg is killing me, I go home the next day is Fashion Cares and I want to rest big to hope my leg is ok for my security job....Well that day Saturday I wake to get ready and realize I have to make a choice I go to fashion Cares and my leg gets worse or I rest and be able to go to work the next few days...I decide to put work first! I think I've grown up a lot because I made the right choice but It was hard and I'm not happy but I know I made the right decision...
There is also the fact that I'm trying to decide if I should move, they say that moving is one of the most stressful things a person can do, Man and I thought every thing was going good, they are but stress is there! A constant companion....
All be it I'm ok just trying to improve and survive....
Num I just love my Haagen-Dazs
I just finished a Chocolate Brownie with walnuts the whole thing mmmm Chocolate
I figure I deserve it
So Thats been my weekend Crazy life....
I wish it was what it was, life should never be boring!
Does that make sence?
[5/29/2003 10:17:26 PM
I'm so not feeling well, I hope to get back to here soon! PLease come back later...
Gay Canadian X Party Boy
[5/27/2003 1:13:33 AM
Hmmm My template seems to be missing, what a bother I hope its not lost as I've made so many changes to it it would be hard to do again!
Oh my and I was going to take that tell a friend about my site thing of seen as no one seems to use it, Maybe later I hope!
Gay Canadian X Party Boy
[5/26/2003 11:01:27 PM
One thing, I have noticed that there is no one on my Guest map from europe, africa or asia. I would love to see that part of the map full of guests posts, so if your from there please go ahead and make your mark here at Gay Canadian X Party Boy.
Gay Canadian X Party boy
[5/26/2003 6:41:58 PM
I've been so so so busy with work that I need to take a good rest from here I will get to all the details soon I promise so come back soon!
Gay Canadian X Party Boy
[5/24/2003 2:19:22 AM
For Some reason today when I was at work, a double shift, not that an extra four hours is some thing to complain about but with my health issues it can make for a long day! any way for some reason today I started thinking about death, some thing that I think is always on my mind since I found out I was HIV positive. I was thinking about what I want done with my things and my body, and who will take care of this kind of thing! How would a friend react to being asked to take care of my body after I die, I know that all my friends care about me, but would they want to do this, every one I know knows I'm positive and in the back of there minds they know that I will not be around for the long haul? I'm starting to get very upset as I'm typing this I think I need to face this but I'm not sure what to do? I think I have decided who I want to help me with things after I die but I'm not eager to ask him or then a couple. Should I put my friends through this they will have to face the realizations that I am going to die before they will and most likely in the not to far of future, because of my pancreas I will have a very hard time with HIV meds so that means that the time I have to live that is because of the meds will be cut short, most with HIV are living longer but that's because of the medications So if you can't take them or have a problem with them your in trouble, I've talked to my doctor and its some thing we both admitted but left for an other visit to talk about! I'm scared of the future there have been times that I didn't think I had one most in the last few years. I didn't care and had decided that I was just going to die, so why care about what I'm doing, just go crazy, a large part of my drinking and drug use was to deal with being positive, along the path of destruction I was. A small part of me was aware of what I was doing to my body and life but I didn't care what was the use I would say, I could just get sick and die any day so who cares right, not me I didn't care and for that matter didn't seem to care about any one around me either. Sad I know, Things have changed, I now think about a future, its hard to face the future with such uncertainty, the last couple of years dealing with my pancreatitis changed the way I see things, in a way it saved me, I had to stop destroying my body, it was selfish on my part a lot of it had to do with the fact that I couldn't take the pain, and it was a horrible pain, the pain was 100 times anything you probably have felt, I some times explain it like this, think about when you have bad gas cramps and its tearing your gut up, well think about that pain being 100 times worse so bad that you can't walk and you start shaking uncontrollably you pass out, start sweating, you can't walk, your body feels like its on fire, you start suffocating because your panicking and can't get a breath, your heart is pounding so hard you think its going to explode. It goes on but I think you should get it after that explanation...So I had to stop drinking I couldn't handle the pain and Well I couldn't get out to the bars because the pain was debilitating, Like I've said before after all the hospital stays I've changed.
I wish I could remember what I was thinking about when I started to think about death today, I've come so far the last year but there is always the HIV, I can't fix that Stopping drinking won't fix this, So I just have to face this and I need to soon, what am I going to do when I get sick and who is going to make the decisions for me when I can't? There is a very sour sense of clarity that seems to come with my new life, the blurred reality of alcohol is gone and I'm now left to see things for what they are and not hide in a bottle of booze. I think I'm going to be cremated, I want my ashes to be thrown in the pacific ocean of this little Island in the Georgea strait of the coast Of British Columbia, The island is called Salts Spring I love that place its so breath taking, I want my last act to be there. I know I know But I have to figure this out and this is where I'm going to do it in this Blog, I'm sorry for being so down but I'm happy in a way, I can face this and not hide from it any more. There was a time I didn't think I would make it this far, only a few years ago I was thinking only of the moment, I plan on going places and I'm for sure not going to give up with out a fight, but I know that I will lose that fight one day and I need to face this for my sanity and to move on, I'm going to ask my friend tomorrow what he thinks about death and helping with some ones affairs, will, last wishes, I hope that he will know why I'm asking and offer!
Its not sad I'm feeling good, know that I've got that out and worked over the feelings I've been having, thanks for listening!
Oh oh Busy Busy Busy weekend So I need to get my winks in....
Oh I met another Guy on thursday night, I'm so bad that's three is the last few weeks, I'll have to detail all of you about that later! It was hot, I was at a leather bar oh ahh, Not my place but hey hot men so why not! This would be the first time there that I could possibly have met a new potential boy friend or at least a New friend with benefits!!!
Night Night all
By the way most of this post was my thoughts as they came out and then put down in here!
Gay Canadian X Party Boy
PS All is well and I'm going good and there is no stooping me, so watch out all those who dastardly cast me aside!
[5/22/2003 3:38:00 AM
I wanted to comment on how busy it is getting around here at my Blog the number of visits has doubled in the last few days! Its a good feeling for me to reach so many people! Cheers to every one, and don't forget to add your self to my Guest Map, I want to see that map full, some one from every country in the world....Its a challenge!
I'm so silly any way, I'm happy today, thanks in part to all of you that are along for the ride with me...
[5/22/2003 1:53:06 AM
9:00am 9:10am 9:20am 9:30am Do you ever do this set your alarm to ring every ten minutes so you get up, As i've said I seem to be able to sleep for hours that is when I can get to sleep! This morning I set my alarm to ring every ten minutes like I always do But for some reason like usual I said to my self I will just sleep a few more minutes, well that few more minutes turned into a few more hours! I was lucky this morning I managed to crawl out of bed 50 minutes before I had to be at work......Its amazing how fast I can get ready when I have to, no time for starbuks! I had a great day at work, it wasn't a normal day, I was asked to help with an event, that's what they called it, any way there was a meeting at the B&B of the local Gay business Chamber Of Commerce, its like other organizations just focused on the Gay and Lesbian community, They also had a wine tasting at the same time....Wow I was very intrigued to be involved in such a evening, the opportunity to mingle with all the or most of the big business people who own most of the places I go to, I was a sort of host, I greeted the guest and took there coates, most of the night I was a buss boy, I was working sort of, I actually volunteered or was asked to help. I was happy to and I'm sure that the boss was impressed that I helped...I wanted to talk more than I did but I wasn't sure if I should, so I just made sure every thing was kept clean, mostly collecting the whine glasses and there was a lot of them over two hundred at least...So busy busy me at a big old gay Chamber of Commerce meeting/wine tasting. Have things every changed for me, it wasn't to long ago I was at the bottom evan homeless when I first moved here to Toronto, I've always known that I can do most every thing I put my mind to and tonight was a good example! All though I didn't meet many of the guest personally I was noticed and every one did know that I worked at the B&B, and working there comes with a really good reputation that precedes it self. I'm looking forward to running into the people that where at the meeting in the Village, From my own experience I know that I will be recognized when Im out and about, People that meet me or see me or know of me for some reason always remember me, its crazy I'll meet some one one day and months later they will see me and come up to me and I'm most often at a loss how I know them! But they always remember me, there is some thing about me that is remember able, Some times I ask what it is and more often than not I get its your look that people remember your a good looking guy and people don't forget that, not that I'm conceted or any thing, I don't feel that way, but I've come to accept it that a lot of guys find me attractive and dare I say sexy! Its for sure not a bad thing to deal with that's for sure...
All and all a perfect day, That path I talked about before is looking really good about now and I couldn't be happyer I'm on it and staying on it,(look for my post about the path in the archives) I'm feeling good my health is improving! At least I think it is, I know I'm not feeling much pain lately, other than the room mates issue, Every thing in my life couldn't be better. And to top it all of last night the guy I met last week(Mark) the one I went home with, he called me, It seems he went away for the week end and that's why he didn't call me, He had told me that he was going out of town to visit friends. We didn't make plans but I know that some thing will happen and only if I make it, once again it comes down to getting what I want by taking my life in hand and just doing it, like I've said I can do it if I try I can do any thing. I think I will call him and ask him out for a few drinks tomorrow, It would be a good idea to see each other when we are sober and not the next morning rushing late for work, I really hope that there was more than just a drunken night of sex between us, I'm not sure but I do know that I'm attracted to this guy and I'm going to take a chance and see what happens.
Well I'm going to be busy on thursday volunteering for Pride Toronto and putting up posters for Fashion Cares! Oh Oh ya I'm really excited to say that today I volunteered to do security for the main event at Fashion Cares, I'm not really the big brut type security guard but I do know I'll look good doing it and there really wont be any thing for me to secure but tell all the guys and gals where to go and not go. It will be fun and I will be able to see the show, an added bonus for sure....There is a link about Fashion Cares to the left, take a look a perfect night and a most perfect cause, its a benefit to raise money for HIV/AIDS some thing that is close to my heart....
Night Night all
Gay Canadian X Party Boy
[5/20/2003 10:41:14 PM
Just a note There is a new Guest Map to the left, It is getting lonely on that big map! So if you have a minute please add your self, I'm very into who is here reading my Journals and would love to here from you! And what a better way than to add your self to my little map, its to the left just click on the white box that says View My Guest Map....
Thanks! I look forward to seeing where All you are from
Gay Canadian X Party Boy
[5/20/2003 10:31:17 PM
So can I go on a rant or what, al being said I am really wanting a change and Living with 5 people can be a big time bore, The really od thing about it is I hardly see them, I think its by choice many times that I try to avoid them..There have been a few incidents the last week Nothing really that should have been a problem if the communication was there! I had been doing laundry late at night and was not made aware that I'd been bothering one of the roommates by disturbing his sleep, and another room mate was being locked out by me locking the dead bolt on the front door, with good reason, We had found a window that had been smashed through on the main floor and no one really knows if it was a break in attempt or not So I feeling unsafe and started locking the front door more securely, not knowing that one room mate had been having trouble with his keys, granted we had talked about not locking it in the past for other reasons....So there are two problems boiling to the breaking point And then there is me not knowing anything about either issue, I just kept on like normal, Well both room mates decided to confront me with anger and immaturity, What happened to communication, Why couldn't they have just told me that I was causing a problem and that's that...So now I'm in the hot seat Its funny How little things get out of hand, The one room mate I was talking about in the last post well I said it all there, I can't figure him out, I think he is just desperately un happy with every thing and for some reason is unable to deal with his life, It is very sad, I thought he was a friend first and then a room mate, It seems he is not a friend at all after the way he treated me over some thing so absurd as being locked out, if he had talked to me and told me the problem it wouldn't have got out of hand, never mind the fact that I feel un safe and not comfortable in my own home and that there could have been a break in that no one seems to care about! I sorta live in what is called a boarding house and the guy I locked out is one of two that run the place, When there is some thing going wrong he has said its not my problem and comes across as being terribly bothered that he is asked to take issue with the day to day running of a house that he took over, I really can't fathom what he expected when he decided to sighn the lease, Some one has to be accountable here and there has been many a time I have had a problem and to make things easy on him just put up with the problem, For example noise I'm always bothered by noise and when it started to affect my new job I started to say some thing Well I was told to get lost and basically he didn't want anything to do with it, Its not his problem, But when his new best friend, the Guy that complained about me doing laundry, watch out all of a suddenly I'm the guy with no consideration for my room mates, funny how un less it affects him it does not matter or its an non issue, Well As you can see this is not a good environment and its holding me back, I just can't deal with two faced people any more, c'mon its like I'm livening with parents or in a dormitory, this place has been great for me to recover and gain my strength but now that I'm moving on with my life I am finding that I need a more positive influence around me, people that are going some where, And believe me there is nothing happening around here except people just getting through life, existing and that's about it. I'm so over the sad sorry type and have always know that to succeed in life you have to surround your self around successful people, and I think My opportunity is on its way, I will be more sure what I'm going to do to fix this annoyance and move on, I know one thing I'm on the up and they are down where I'm not going to be, they can stay there just existing and not growing, I'm like that little seedling on the forest floor surrounded by darkness struggling to find the sun, and when found I'm reaching out and up ward to grow and be strong and leave that dark behind on the bottom where it belongs...
Ok OK I'm really ok here I'm just trying to sort out some things that could be life altering choices and I think I've done it, I always manage to, its just to make sure I've made the right choices that's the secret here! I used to just jump in and go where the flow took me but I think I've grown up some more and I know know that I have to sit back and really think about what I'm going to do....I'm not going to confirm anything yet But I really do think I've decided on a major life improvement and to be happy you have to make the hard decisions....
So after the tide went out here I am to face the day, it was a day of work day today so as the norm I slept the entire day, I'm going to have to find things to do on my days of, note to myself!
I had a great night last night after work I was invited to a BBQ at the B&B with the coworkers, it was great I look forward to many more nights like that, after we went for a drink or two at a local bar and finished the night at D apartment in one of the B&B for a glass of wine and I was home at three and well I was up to no good posting my last post.....
Night night all
Hey just one more thing I have been out there adding my blog to search engines and blog directories and Its getting busy around here, Over thirty readers in a day I very happy to have hits like that, I'm feeling encouraged to keep on going here and that's good So thanks for letting me in to your life's, One more thing I was reading up on blogging and found this
" they masquerade as useful information when all they contain is idle chatter" I'm sorry but my life is not idle chatter and I'm offended by this!
Please let me know what you think about this!
Gay Canadian X Party Boy
[5/20/2003 3:29:37 AM
Before I forget, I wanted to talk about room mates, I have five none are very remarkable In Fact one thinks he is so remarkable that he belittles all his rom mates, talks down about them, says how below they are to him, how stupid they are, the whole thing is ridiculous because he is a fraud, a big loser, how can he pretend to be one to another than some one else to an other? So many times I've seen him put down others and then act like there friend...How can some one like this live with them selves, could it be that they are not smart enough to see what they are doing, no its not that, that would be to much credit for him...He is so smart though He is a health care provider He went to University he must know best! He must have it all worked out, I can be a friend to you and at the same time do nothing but ridicule you and belittle you, He feels good when he can put others down, He works such long hours he is so important! I'm better than you I work in heath care So when I've had a long day watch out its your problem now, I'm tired your just the low life room mate beneath me so Here it is My shit take it you deserve it I'm so much better than you!....Are things fair around here No way I'm in control So its my rules after all I'm in Health care I'm a nurse So I know best!....You would think I know how to communicate, But really I do Honestly Im a Nurse, every one knows we do no wrong!
Hey if I have a problem I will just let it go on and not talk about it to fix it Why bother I'd rather just get anger built up and than be really smart, Who need to communicate! Why bother explaining things when I'm upset, I'm a Nurse I know best....
I'm so Sorry But all who have room mates that go way to far will know what this is all about? I will explain later....
Other than the room mate situation I had a great day, more to come soon!
Gay Canadian X Party Boy
One more thing if some one you know has nothing really remarkable about them Does it not seem likely that when you pass them on the street you would not notice them? Don't misunderstand me I'm always focused on what or where I'm going and often miss things on the way But if there is some thing remarkable about you In the slightest I would for sure notice you?About the room mates....Sorry I just need to get it out!
Soon Soon I will be free of people that do nothing for me and on to a better place I know it I can feel it!
[5/19/2003 3:44:12 AM
Yaaa Yahoo Its party time here at Gay Canadian X Party Boy My Life What did I do?, Its all about You the guys and gals who are here with me in this vast world of cyber space, You all that are on this crazy ride sharing my life with me. What is the party all about, well its just one more visit away from 400 lucky souls to visit my Blog. Thanks to every one that have stayed with me and supported me in my efforts to bring some sanity in to my life and hope fully in yours....When I started this adventure I thought it would be like so many others I've started and it would fizzle out like most I've started but not this time I'm still here and so are you and that's just a good reason to be happy and celebrate, To all that are new to Gay Canadian X Party Boys life well Welcome and I hope you stay for the ride Its not going to be a easy journey and will be full of mis adventure but surely it will be worth the trip, cheers to everyone and I'm glad your here with me...That being said On to the Day that never would end....
So being that I could sleep no longer after 15 hours of sleep like I said I have been up since my last post, well I did sleep from around 8pm to 1 am Monday morning....I think it has something to do with the testosterone injections, my sleeping patterns have been very erratic as of late...So of to work It was after being up from 8 pm Saturday night, I had expected it would be a long hard day and my lack of sleep would ruin my day, by the time I started I'd been awake for 15 hours but the day went great, except for the constant fact that I was trying to figure out what to do about my financial problems! I was busy busy busy like always and all the time loving my new Job, You know the one at the B&B I talked about before(the link is to the left)Only a few rooms left for pride so get them soon if your on your way here, So Its about three and I'm trying to figure out what friend i'll hit up for a loan and what happens This amassing caliber of guy, one of the people that your lucky to have come into your life, and the kind you don't let go once you find them came up to me and handed me some cash and just stood there with his arm out and said here, This guy is a coworker of mine, He just gave me some money with out me asking! He had said a few days before that he would help me but I wasn't going to bring it up again and didn't expect to....I was set aside with good feelings that a man that I have only known for a few weeks just out and helped me no questions asked...This is what I've been saying about this new job and the guys there They are the best and with out a doubt amongst the best group of guys I've been lucky to know....So he gave me the cash and told me to pay him back when I could, I didn't even ask! What a great guy ,I once was told that a true friend will know when your in need of help and that you shouldn't have to ask for help he will just be there when needed, Some thing like that! I have a few good friends not many but no one has ever done that for me, just offered to help with out me asking, My day was perfect and my faith in humanity was restored, and with a few bucks in my pocket and with good friends like D(coworker) my sadness was cast aside and I was happy again....Like I said before its strange how money can bring you down when you don't have any! And thanks to D I can have that coffee in the morning that I do love, that hot steamy brew from starbucks that each time I have brings me back to rainy days from my past in Vancouver, Some of my best memories are of coffee with friends, I think it has something to do with the fact that the times out with friends around coffee where real and not the bar and alcohol, I don't know but I do love that coffee from starbucks on my way to work! Its going to be a busy week at work So I need to try and get some more rest so I'm out a here! Oh ya thanks to Brent for being the first to sign my guest map! A big hug goes out to you!.....
You can see his blog, a new one but I expect one that will be on my list to look at...Take a look at my guest map to find a link to his Blog.
Night Night all
Gay Canadian X Party Boy
[5/18/2003 7:31:25 AM
Hey all of you fab guys and gals please take a minute to look at my newest adition to my Blog, My guest Map, along with the shout out you can now add your comments along with where you are and it will show up on a neat little Map, take a look I think its great and hope to see where all of you are from around this big old world of ours....The link is to the left, I can't belive I did that all on my own, I'm gona be a web master soon I can feel it!
Cheers all and Don't forget to take good care of your self and all that you love and care about!
[5/18/2003 4:49:01 AM
Another day gone to sleep, I woke up or finally came out of a day of sleep around 8 pm and thought to my self what a waist, I'm thinking that My body must need the sleep, but why so long why am I sleeping for 15 hours or more, I did have plans or people I wanted to see but not today and tomorrow Is not far away and sleeping so long makes the next day to close and if I can't sleep tonight the next day will be far to long, its now 3 am and I'm wide awake finding my self reading about others lives and contemplating my own judging myself through others life's, I should be happy but I'm not feeling so, Does such a long sleep create such negative feelings I'm not sure if its just the reality that a day has been waisted or not...I could pop a few sleeping pills my doctor so easily gave me, I don't know what to do, before I was not working so I had no responsibilities other than to my self, people are counting on me to be there I have to account to them. I'm sad tonight because when I did face my day al be it far to late, the first thing I did was go to my phones First the home then the cell voice mail a few messages from a friend of mine I was to spend some time with, he seemed displeased with me in the second message kind of like where the hell are you we had made plans,
[5/18/2003 4:48:44 AM
felt a bit of disappointment in his voice, but hey I will surely come up with some kind of excuse for my lack of interest, some times I am at a loss why others want to be around me, and could they be looking forward to seeing me, I don't know...I was really wanting to hear a guys voice on my voice mail, the sweet voice of the man I met on thursday night, the one I spoke about, I did tell him I would be waiting for his call, I find my self thinking about the night we spent together and asking my self what I said, analyzing my actions, anything I could of did that would make him leary to call me, I think we had a good time together and I know he was into me, but could have it all been a sham a alcohol induced fantasy, could I be one of those guys that for not if I was drunk would I ever stray near him, I've had my share of the guy beside me and left thinking wow did I drink to much last night, finding my self waiting eagerly to get out of the situation, Why did he give me his phone Number than, Why was it just to be kind to save face? He could of just let me go on my way out of his life, but the # is programmed, wait I should look and see if I missed his call and there was no message left, one sec nope nothing, well what now its only been a few days and he could be just busy, a phone call is not to hard to get done, I'm not going to call him again, should I? I don't know what I should do. I'm going to wait and see what happens, If nothing I will at least be able to say that he wasn't really my type, a good way out I think, a save face for my feelings....there is the other guy from the bath house but I'm not waiting on him that was my what have I done again night and my get him out morning...Am I bad or what this guy has feelings and can be hurt and I'm so easy to cast him aside, I don't know what I want...Why can't it all be so easy, life that is....Its so late or early I know I can't sleep any more what do I do, I'm contemplating going into work early, I'm not sure if that is ok or not, I don't think it would be a problem?
My eyes feel a bit heavy! could I possibly sleep some more? I have before slept entire days away, Hmmmm
I'm not so happy with my finances as of late, all the nights out and a few shopping days have been costly, after all I have a new job and pay day My first one was last Friday so I would have money right, well not, It seems that I only got paid for one day, a big forty dollars and I was broke, So that lasted all of one day and no more money for me, its some thing how money can affect you or not having any...Its on my mind always and what am I going to do? Its not that I will starve because I can always get food, because of my amazing survival skills I know all the places and tricks to take care of that, It really is not a problem I can wait till the end of the month till My disability comes in, it's just not having any that gets to me, not being able to have that starbucks coffee on the way to work or not being able to go out with friends that kinda thing! Oh I'm going on here...I can borrow money If I really need it I'm so lucky to have a few friends that put up with my crazy life...I haven't been called by the trany about posters for Fashion Cares today I'm wondering what happened to her/him? I guess I will have to call and find out what Happened, Its a holiday long weekend here in Canada, I can't remember what its all about but I know I should be out there putting lots of posters up to get the word out about the event, the link is to the left, Fashion Cares, I have been told that all the tickets are sold for the main event but there is the party after to go to, that reminds me I have to contact the guy in charge of the volunteers to sign up for some thing to do the night of the event, I'm thinking security would be great! Ok I need to be more positive I can't seem to help going on about the negative, I know that things could be worse I know that, I really know that....So I'm going to keep on going and see what happens and if the guy does not call than It wasn't meant to happen and that's that....
[5/18/2003 4:48:17 AM
I'm going to see X-men 2, and where you might ask well on My TV I found it on Kasaa and with my nifty video card hooked up to my TV and a great speaker system that's as good as it can get, I really do not like theaters and If I can save some cash I have no problem with it, they make to much money any way don't they? Some may have a problem but you could look at it this way I could get sick going to a show al the people crowded into a small room spreading all there nasty germs around, I don't know ever since I saw this health video in some class I took about washing your hands and preventing spreading germs and virus's, I think it was when I was in chef school and the class was called food safe, any way they showed a theater and some one coughing in slow motion and the spray of saliva shooting out into the air and then up every ones noses, every since then I think about that when I go to a movie and I get freaked out, I know its silly and stupid but me being HIV positive its always on my mind the possibility to get some infection is on my mind and how to prevent it...So that being said its my perfect excuse to download a movie and that's it...Oh my god what Am I going on about here, from the loss of readers of late I guess not much....
My thoughts my life as I think out loud...
Don't forget to SHOUT OUT..So far nothing, I guess my words inspire nothing......But I will keep on going!!!
[5/17/2003 12:03:05 AM
These are the things I'm talking about So shout Shout it on Out Shout Shout Shout it on out! Hmmm I seem to remember a song that went something like that Anyway Thanks to My new Online Bud Chris You can now add comments or say Hi or what ever you want By just clicking on the word Shout out at the bottom of my posts, when you click on the link you will go to a little thingy that you can tell me all kinds a cool stuff and this is way cool you can also read what others have been saying....Great isn't it...So please Do, tell me what your thoughts are, Say hi, reflect on what I've been going on about, you could give me some advice or tell me How your day was, tell me to stop complaining of course I don't do any of that, What ever your heart desires you just click and type me your thoughts...Easy Yup So easy....I can't wait to see if you all can get some strings going....Its funny when I here from you guys and gals It makes my day when I'm having a bad day, you might say get a life but really its true I value everyone that shares my life with me...And so far I've met a few great guys Including Chris, Hi Chris thanks again for the help bud....
[5/17/2003 12:02:49 AM
Well Well Well wouldn't you all like to know what I've been up to the last few days, I'm happy to report Sex Sex Sex, HA Hm Hm Yes I'm on a roll and Going to find me some love soon I can feel it, Could it be Could it be So! I'm pondering the idea that testosterone is my savior, Injection report, fourth on 2 cc In the but by my big Sexy Doctor who looks like that big sexy jock from hi school that every gay boy had a crush on, I can't wait to get my next physical exam Prostate Ohhh ouch He has the biggest fingers I'm thinking he is six Five! Any way Next time on on the exam table with my but in the air I have to remember to turn my head around and see what look the doctor has on his face when he is giving it to me (the injection) I'm not sure but I think my doc is way back in the closet some where, C'mon HE works with three other Gay Doctors and Has a male secretary Hello....Great guy I'm so lucky to have found him....
[5/17/2003 12:02:31 AM
Any way I went out to an opening of a new bar last night, the trany that is in charge of publicity for Fashion Cares, the one that gives me the posters so I can put them out on the posts, well you all know what I'm talking about My volunteer work, I was surprised to be invited by here or him Its strange to me to know some one that has a male and female name I'm never know what to call him here or if he is a guy or girl, the truth is He's not the best looking because if when I see him he is a girl than he is not the best looking gal I've seen Or could it be that he is a guy that particular time in that case Not bad just an average guy, I don't know Its so strange for me...Don't get me wrong I mean the situation is odd not the guy/girl....Hmmm so I had a great time Didn't drink to much and well lets just say I enjoyed my self and loved being sexy again that's Sexy in the mind or feeling good about my self so it showed and guys picked up on it and where drawn to me.....SO the new bar is called Play or George Play I don't really know it does have play in it I do know that ....I left about one thirty and next door to a club called Crews/Tango Not my favorite place Its just to average and the crowd is to young for me, Can I be saying that young Blahh am I getting old or what.....So I'm standing watching the drag Drag Show Same old bloody Queens that are drunk and twitching from the coke head buzz...More on Drags an other time needles to say I'm not fond of the drag queens as of lately....
So this guy was standing at the table, He was looking at me and I soon picked up on that and started playing the eye game with him we would look at each other and then quickly look away, I almost left because I spent all my cash and when Im broke Its time to go for me No cash and I'm not a happy bar person....So I stayed and we kept flirting sorta and then he asked me to watch his bag for him I must of looked trustworthy I think it was his way of starting a conversation or hitting on me So I said yes and he must of noticed I wasn't drinking and offered to buy me a beer so I said yes and well one thing led to an other and we where now flirting and touching each other in very soft little touches Like my hand on his shoulder or touching his arm hand Um it started when I had my hand on the table next to his and he rubbed my hand ...
[5/17/2003 12:02:11 AM
then I new it he was into me After all I had be totally cruising him I was touching his but brushing up against his dick...Oh my god well the Bar was closing and what to do, I got my self into a hard situation, I think this was one of the first times In a very long time that I had a opportunity to go home with a guy and me not being drunk...Its so easy when your pissed out of your mind in fact I don't really know how I did it drunk I can't remember anything that I did most times I blacked out and would just wake up beside some guy, it was sad because I never remembered the sex, I would have to be filled in by the guy....So back to last night we decided to go to his house, this guy was hot and had blue eyes I love blue eyes he had blond hair So cute and I liked him he was actually good looking so many times I've ended up with a ugly guy....Well it was a hot night, I'm not going into the details but lets say I toped him and loved it, the next day today I woke up and looked at him for a while and thought this guy could be a possible boy friend. He was totally into me to and I love a gut that finds me hot, he couldn't stop telling me how sexy I am and evan buetiful, he said he couldn't believe I was with him and kept asking why a hot guy like me was with him, Man are you sexy it went on and on I'm always up for a good ego booster, this is the only thing that worries me a insecure guy with a low self esteem, he seemed to question his looks and well I always seem to meet guys that don't think much about them self....I'm not saying that I have no insecurities because I do More than my share fair....It was so good feeling to wake up with a guy next to me....
[5/17/2003 12:01:42 AM
So we rushed to get out the door He was late for work and I had to go home and change for Doctor and work....We where in such a rush we didn't talk about phone # or if we would see each other again...I know I do So I had to see what he wanted, we had a 20 min subway ride and It was on my mind the entire time along with a head ach hangover and that awful morning breath yuk there in nothing like that to be thankful for a good tooth brush any way We had one stop to go before I got of the subway and no phone # I looked for some thing to put the # on and at this point because he didn't say anything I thought it was going to be a one night stand, I hinted it was my stop next and finally Me being to nervous and not feeling very pretty still burping up beer and in bad need of a tooth brushing was shy to ask for his # I seem to wait for the guy to say some thing so I don't get rejected there is nothing worse than a guy telling you that he would rather not see you again or say see you around its happened to me before and I felt really used and dirty...so He said to me I could give you my # if you want to call me, it was like he didn't think I would ever want to see him again like I had been drunk and would normally not be with a guy like him...One stop to go and I was a wreck thank god he gave me his # because I want to see him again, and I think he wants to get to know me after what he was saying to me the night before He is totally into me and thinks IM hot sexy gorgeous and well Im not going to disagree....We gave each other a big hug if front of all the straight people on the Subway all on there way to there office jobs I so wanted to give him a big kiss right there in front of every one I don't care where I am when it comes to expressing my feelings for my guy...
[5/17/2003 12:01:23 AM
I could just imagine what they all would have been saying around the water cooler, you wouldn't believe what I saw on the Subway this morning two guys kissing each other, gay guys making out in front of every body, can you believe it they kissed on the lips I saw gay men what is this world coming to....I love it to show strait people that I'm here and Your not going to stop me from being my self...THe hug was good really strong and he pulled me close and gave me a hug like he was trying to tell me I like you and call me....So home and to work...Great day over all and I called ....Him I wasn't'r sure when to call today tomorrow who knows? SO I decided to call and tell him I was happy to have met him and that I had a great time and looked forward to seeing him again soon.
So I'm waiting to here from him, its past eleven pm and no return call, I'm thinking I wore him out last night and he is fast asleep...
Good thoughts all around for me and out to you all
Take care of your self real good care...
Yippee I'm happy tonight....
night night all
Gay Canadian X Party Boy
Hey you ya you that's right you reading about me, If you want to say some thing to me, go ahead, I'm waiting to here from you and others are for sure wanting ti here what you think...So click on the words Shout Out and give it to me!!!
[5/14/2003 3:26:25 AM
Hi every one
Well things are a changing here at Gay Canadian X Party Boy! Thanks to a super great Guy who I met from here, He asked me If I wanted some help to improve my Blog and I said why not, I'm not sure what he has in mind, Things seem to be looking good, I'm waiting to here from him to tell me what he has done, Thanks for the help Chris, if you want to see this ace guys journal go to
[5/14/2003 3:26:10 AM
Well about today It was my day of and judging from the sleep that I had it was needed big time in fact I slept all day and missed my scan, no big thing It just means that I will have to make an other appointment and thanks to are over worked public health system here in Canada I will have to wait a month or so, Don't get me wrong I am very very fortunate to live in a country that puts the health of its people so hi, I don't pay for anything and I mean anything everything I need is paid for by the health care here My meds eyewear anything I need the only thing is sometimes you have to wait and if you really are in need you will be in there when the need is there...When I think of the people around the world that have nothing not evan water I'm lucky and very happy to be in One of the top countries in the world....
Not to worry the day was not a write of I did get one thing done, I put up more posters for www.fashioncares.com/index.html
I called Sam the guy I took home on Saturday, I'm not really comfortable with the idea of dating him again but I'm going to see what happens, I do know that people change so I'll give him a chance....We are going to go to a movie or something and I will have cash seen as it will be my first payday from my new Job YaHoo money money money makes my world go round, tacky I know but why not....
[5/14/2003 3:25:50 AM
Some of you may be thinking what did I do with the original idea I had when posting to my blog, the one that I was going to post about my past and relate it to today, well I'm not going to keep up with that, I mite dig up a story once and a while but I'm finding that If I do start thinking about the past it seems to always be sad and hard on my mind and I get upset, So for now on I'm going to try and look forward and from time to time talk about my past but only when I have a story that relates to today.......I do want to still help any one who may be having a problem and I hope that what I have to say will still be of some help for some who may be going through what I am now...
So thanks to Chris for helping to make my blog nice and spectacular.
Im going to go and download Madonna videos to burn for a friend of mine who is way to in to her....
Gay Canadian X Party Boy
[5/13/2003 10:34:14 PM
Testing. For comment blog please disregard.
[5/13/2003 1:08:28 AM
I some times wish that I could live without room mates, but they are a necessary evil with hi rent here in Toronto, I'm not going to let them bring me down nope not again!!!!
On to the weekend I had a great Saturday night, it started with a day of shopping and lunch in China town dim Sum Its a strange way to eat all the little dishes of mostly things I can't recognize and the servers that speak no english or very little, I love it doing some thing way out of the norm, Every thing was great and I didn't see any animal feet this time! the last time I went I got my friend to try some duck feet, MMMM Numy he loved them Not he took a little bite and almost got sick it was great...Its amazing what people eat in some parts of the world, I'm going again this weekend but with a date that will stay for a few hours, the guy I went with was just there to eat The meal was more just to fill his hunger I like to stay relax and try every thing, have a few breaks and then try some more I really like to study the menu and surroundings, going out to eat for me is a production and I want to see every minute and mingle with the actors....The guy I went with rushed me so I had to leave in the middle of my fun...I did find a new place to go next time and that was perfect I had been trying to find a good dim sum But I'm the kinda guy that will walk up and down the street and then end up at McDonalds because I can't make up my mind what place to go...
Well after that It was home to freshen up and out to the local all male gay strip bar Remington's, not the kind of bar I like to go to more than once every few months...Its a crazy place that the dancers try and hustle you to a back room for a private show that you have to pay twenty dollars each song that they dance to, I have been told that they will do a lot more than dance for the right price or depending on how desperate the need for cash..I've not yet had a private show and I don't think I ever will, there is something about paying a stripper that seems far to much like hiring a prostitute and I don't pay for sex at least not till I'm old and desperate.....Its a strange place all the hot men in underwear clinging to any guy that looks like he has money or the older ones they seem to be the customer of choice....I had a few beers and just sat back and watched the show....when I was younger and in the closet I would go to female strip nights with my friends and would sit with my back to them, the first time I saw up a women's vagina, it looked like a big dark chasm and I got freaked and never looked again, its really weird I was the one that always got the guys to go to the women strip bars and I was gay Hmmm I wonder why that was!!!
I called up some friends on the old cell and soon we had a party at the strip club I stayed for 5 hours or so and then got bored and really sexed up or horny, I left and went to a few clubs But nothing, I've been thinking about the baths and the mood I was in after all the hot strippers was I wanted sex Its been a year since the last trip to a bath house and I had a room pass for a free room that saved me over 20 bucks so that being incentive enough I went to the Spa I talked about in my last post, I was kinda drunk so I can't remember all the details, what I do is that I got there when the bar was still open, I was put on a waiting list for a room so I had to get a locker till a room opened up, So I went to the bar first I then realized I had no money, No problem as soon as I walked in there every eye was on me and not evan 10 seconds I was offered a beer, I remember the guy saying something like after your done we will go to my room! Didn't like that It seemed like he was saying a beer for sex and well not me plus I had had far to many beers, so I wondered of and ran In to a guy that I dated last summer, Kinda cute but I dropped him because he liked to party to much and last year at that time I was really sick and needed to stay away from drinking....Plus he was a sloppy drunk and made a fool of him and me to many times and that's not for me, don't be with me and make me look bad, I do that good enough on my own thank you very much...So as soon as I saw him I guess I was in sex mode and grabbed him, next thing I know I'm in his room with my well lets just say it was hot and I didn't have to play the lets figure out if he is a bottom or top game, that was great a bottom and I had been there before so I know what he wanted, My dick So I gave it to him for hours, in fact some how I ended up with him in my arms the next morning at my place and I tell you I didn't want to let him go, I just wanted to hold him, It felt so good to be close to a guy after so long and one that I had been with felt great because I new he wanted to be there...I called him once to get filled in on what I forgot from the night before, which was most of the night after I met him, thank's to a hot morning I got sex that was more real and I remember doing!
So after all that I learned that I still have it in me, I can have sex and I think I'm going to more and more I kind of go in spurts sex for a few weeks or months and then none, all it seems to take is that one time and I'm of the the races....I do remember that when I walked in to the bath house every eye was on me, a good ego boost was worth the entire night, I'd never been to a bath on a saturday night and it was packed more than a hundred guys, Wow and I wasn't that drunk and no cocaine so I didn't hide in my room all high and scared to walk around...Next time I go I'm in for a hot hot night, The shy me is retired for a while I hope for a long while because I deserve to have what I want and know I can get it if I try....
Then it came work what a slow day that was, I for sure can not hold the alcohol like I used to, it was hang over heaven for me and boy was I glad that all my co workers seemed to have had a busy night, I was in good company every one seemed to be a bit off....Great place my new job, every day seems to be getting better than the last....Oh ya I ran into one of my co workers that night and had a few drinks with him that was great to see him out side of work, cool guy I hope to see him again out side of work I think we would have a great time out together...
So I'm of to bed I'm going to the hospital in the morning to get a MIR scan of my abdomen (pancreas) to see what's going on and so the doctors can decide if I'm going to need that operation soon or be able to put it off some more, I'm really hoping that the last few weeks of drinking didn't do to much harm, the effects of drinking seem to be accumulative and not always show for a while and when it does I'm in pain big pain, I'm thinking that if I keep it to once a month or so, drinking. and keep it slow when I do...I should be ok because in the past if I was drinking I would be in pain by now and the last few nights out I've been ok So I'm thinking I'm past the worst and its under control....
I'll find out tomorrow and let all you know right away...
Of to bed But first eating, I have to fast in the morning so I'm going to fill up so in the morning Its not to bad...
I'm not going to go into the roommates and the misery they inflict on me except that I hate it that some of then think its ok to take out there anger and bad moods out on the people they live with, just because you live together does not give you the right to treat your room mates bad to be rude or condescending, you wouldn't treat your friends that way so why treat you room mates like that, living with some one gives you no write to yell or over step the personal boundaries between others.....My point is no one should take there problems out on any one and I don't care if you work 3 days in a row That's your problem and not mine so don't make it mine by bringing you misery on to me, keep it to your self and screw of unless your in a good mood I want nothing to do with you...
Any way Sorry about that I just hate it when others bring you down because they have had a long or bad day, don't ruin mine you have no wright or not my permission to speak to me like that....
One last thing If I treated my room mates like they did me I would be kicked out of here in a flash, why is it ok for them to be one way and not for me to be the same in return?
I'm not going to let them screw up my night or day or life, So Its forgotten, Sorry again I think I need to move out of here, but that's an other post to come an other day....
Bye Bye I'm resting up for my Magnetic Resonance Imagining Scan or what ever its called, I hope all will be good I think it will I hope it will
NIght Gay Canadian X Party Boy
[5/12/2003 12:02:59 AM
Wow am I tired tonight! So a very brief post more later about the weekend that was full of lovein for me, The reason I'm so tired? I went to a Spa on Saturday night well bath house I prefer to call it a spa it just sounds nicer. I was up all night with this guy I met and then took home funny thing is that the guy was some one I dated last year....as you can imagine up all night with a boy in my bed well I'm tired big time and I worked today to....I'm feeling the night all over my body and I mean all over! Its a nice hurt though so I'm happy....
My blog will soon have a big shiny new look...So look for the new and improved Gay Canadian X Party Boy My Life What did I do?
A happy guy tonight!
Here is the link to the Spa I went to last night
[5/10/2003 12:07:24 AM
I wanted to share the other places my blog resides, there are two other places that I post the same as here...
I have no Idea how many read my blog at these other places but I'm there to so well thats it Just in case any wanted to know!
Gay Canadian X Party Boy
[5/9/2003 11:44:39 PM
Do you ever look back at your life? the choices you made? Look at when at what point you started a path? that one decision you made that lead to so many other decisions, That one step that you took that may have been the wrong one, and what about all the good steps you took after along with al the wrong ones, what if you decided to step back on that path you left so long ago, and can you find it? that path that you left the one that you really wanted to be on but you lost your way, but the other path the one that you are on was so exciting and you really wanted to see all the exciting fun things all around that path of excitement! Is it possible to find that path and maybe keep track of the other one and sometimes just step on it for a short while? I've been thinking allot about that time in my life, when I was 23 when I came out, when I wanted to start being gay, being myself. Its not that I was being someone I was not before its just that I started to be the real me, but at that time I also was doing things I wanted, things to improve me, things that I enjoyed, but at the point I left all that to explore my sexuality I forgot about the life I had the life that was me, One example was my school, University! If I had stayed in University I would most likely have my Doctorate in Psychology and Sociology, I have a year under my belt, and I was good, I did very well and loved learning and at the same time learning about myself, that's a big part of University learning about your self! In fact I think it had allot to do with me coming out, discovering my sexuality. In fact I met my first gay friend through a old Hi school friend I ran into In university...I just wanted to be Gay to stop denying myself after years of being scared a loner by my self, the guy with no friends in school, after I came out I found a new me, a me that every guy wanted, a sexual me, a me that guys where attracted to, the sexy me that I always wanted to be. I was the cute guy that everyone wanted to be with, be around, the guy that everyone looked to for comfort, the guy that made all the choices for everyone, Looking back now I'm seeing that I forgot about my self some how along the way! My point is that I 'm finding my self again, Im that guy now that people want to know again, that guy who is still sexy, that guy that all the boys want to know(well most of them still) For the last few days I've been reading a blog that has inspired me, reminded me about things I want in life and made me think about trying to find those things in my life that I lost long ago, things that I want to accomplish, I've been reading and reading about his life and the things he has done things that I used to want, I've been fighting hard this last year for my health and I think I'm ready to take the next step back on the path that will lead to the things I want in life, its not been easy along the way and I'm hitting the wall still but I'm getting back up and not giving up anymore on my self, the giving up part being alcohol and drugs, I could go on and on about drugs and drinking, but I think I've gone into that enough in this blog So read my past posts to learn about that, I'm going to look forward now, forward to being the man I want to be, doing what I want, having what I what and being with who I want, I'm looking back and wondering how I made it through all the darkness in my life, I know I had a bad start from child hood, foster homes, drug addict mother, it goes on like a nightmare my past, I'm not going to let that hold me back any more, I've suffered enough from my past life. I'm happy now for the first time in years, my health is OK getting better day by day, I'm working, and I'm thinking again, I like to think of my self as a big thinker, a smart man, and I am, but if you forget how it shows, and I have a lot to learn again, or try to remember, I'm an academic, its in me and I'm going to bring it to the surface again, So look out for my wit and charm its on the way, and along with it is the Gay guy I am to, but not with the dead end of the beaten path go no where guy He is going to be left behind! So give me a chance, let me show you who I really am! You will not be disappointed....
If you are thinking who is that guy that helped me by inspiring me, the guy that reminded me of that guy I left behind in a bar somewhere on the other side of am empty glass....By reading his blog and seeing what he has done he reminded me of what I want...His blog is called SoBlo: South of Bloor the url is
A big thanks for being out there if your reading this SoBlo
A great guy and someone I enjoy knowing about!
I'm some where in last year reading about his life and well I spent three hours reading last night and had a bitch of a time getting up for work today....
Well I'm going to be busy puttinfg up more posters for Fashion Cares on Saturday and have to be at Pride Toronto head Quarters to label cans for fund raising, Busy day giveing back to the comunity that I'm looking forward to being a part of in a good way from now on...
Gay Canadian X Party
[5/8/2003 1:40:19 AM
Wow the things a guy will say when he is drunk, I only had maybe six beers Hmmmm. So because I wanted to go out and have some "fun" today was a non day or I missed and didn't go to any of my appointments, I was to spend the day at Pride Toronto and just could't get there Its funny how I get a hang over...I think because of my poor health my body need a large recovery time, I used to be able to get up the next day and no problem...I sure turned into a sad sorry guy last night but I'm sort of over it and ended up not throwing to entire day away, I had a good night putting up posters for Fashion Cares al over Church Street and some of the side streets of Church..For all of you that live in Toronto that was me that put all them pretty posters of that Girl that looks like elvis...I put up a whole lot a few days before and to my surprise most of them where covered up by other posters or just torn down, It was really nice to be out and get some air, I was thinking I just spend far to much time indoors, when I was a little boy you couldn't get me to stay inside its strange how you change over the years...
Well I have to come up with a really good excuse for missing my therapy appointment today, you know the one that I'm ordered to go to from my court charge, I really hate it and am not sorry I missed but it could be a big problem if it happens again who knows I could end up in jail for not following my probation Yuck I was not feeling good and I will just tell them that, I'm thinking I might need a note from my doctor, that should not be a problem, I have a really good doctor and I should say big tall and sexy, hey did I tell you all that I have a thing for tall me, So if any of you are tall and sexy send me a email!!!
I had a funny problem today I was faced with the fact that when it was time to have a shower, at six pm ouch I had no clean towels I stood there for ten minutes and tried to figure out what to do, should I ask one of my room mates to use one of his or should I use one that was in the laundry, I'm a clean freak so the thought of using a dirty towel was scary what did I do...I took a used one and made a mental note to do the laundry....Big problem wasn't it...I was kind of happy because this was all caused by the fact that I've been so busy, a month ago it was the highlight of my day to do my laundry...
Ok it was a slow day, I have to work tomorrow so Of to bed and finish the laundry...Oh man but I slept all day, I am going to have a bitch of a time sleeping tonight....
Well alls well and I'm ok....I'm getting by and looking forward to this weekend on sunday im going to a party called Palace it will be a fun night because a good friend of mine is going with me, I haven't seen him much lately because he has a boy friend, that he met when I took him out to Fly, a place by the way that I work for, I talked about the place before, if you want to see what the club is like go to www.flynightclub.com, if you read my blog I talked about how this is the place that Queer as Folk was filmed....
Hey if you want to see the party Im going to here is the link for it www.gairybrown.com
Gay Canadian X Party
Oh ya I thought I would share one of my latest buys I got a pair of pants the other day, they are rock climbing pants, I thought they where sexy I'm not going to be climbing rock walls any time soon but I'm going for a new look this summer I call the look sporty jock gay boy anyway here is the link chek out the crotch thing (Gusseted crotch for mobility.)
thats what got me to buy them
here is the link its big so copy and paste it in your browser
[5/7/2003 2:49:00 AM
Its 2:30am and I'm drunk I was out at the bars, and I'm at home alone..fuck..I'm sorry bad mouth am I but I am really not sure about my self right now..why do I go out thinking if I get drunk I might meet someone, I don't know I think I'm fucked..It worked before nevermind the fact that my god dam pancreas gave up on me and a few beers could kill me, hey it's not god dam bad enough I have a plagh in me that could kill me at any time, Fuck man I'm sorry to anyone reading this but why me why...did I do something wrong to deserve this? Why can't it be good enough that I'm doing ok now, I'm working and sort of healthy, I'm going to screw it all up again aint I..I know I will when anything is good in my life I fuck it up...Is there a way to be happy a way to be with some one with out so much pain? I ask my self, Fuck this I'm going to sleep this one off before I sober up...I know I have to be strong but its so hard so bad so fuking hard to be strong....I just whant to give up some times I don't know what to do with my self?
I'm sorry I'm really confused.....
Gay Canadian X Party Boy
[5/5/2003 5:02:59 PM
I have a question for all of you that are sharing my Blog with me, well two questions.
If I had a way to notify everyone when my Blog is updated by emailing you would you sign up for it?
And if I put On a guest book for my readers to let me know who they are would you use it?
Let me know by emailing me, the link is to the left to email me.
Just a couple of ways I thought I could be more in touch with all of you that are sharing my life with me...
Thanks for your time and please let me know of any type of update and guest book services that I could use, free ones would be the best
[5/5/2003 2:11:33 AM
I just added three new links to my blog take a look to the left of the page to find them, take a look they are the things that mean a lot to me and I spend a lot of time Volunteering for them Plus I added a link to the Best Bed And Breakfast in Toronto, If you have been keeping up with my Blog you will know why I posted that link, Hint Hint...
[5/5/2003 1:39:06 AM | Charles Jokinen]
You might be thinking why have I been bad at posting the last few days well I went out on the town the other night, Plus I was so tired from my busy new job + I am volunteering for Pride toronto and for Fashion Cares.
I was a bad boy On friday night and was drinking and I did some cocaine Don't ask me why I did the drugs for some reason I thought it would be fun well every time I buy it I just get all paranoid and end up going home and not having fun, the drug does nothing for me and tends to make me anti social, plus its a big waste of money at forty a half gram and I got two so eighty bucks down the drain, I did get the opportunity to to check out a club called It, its the big thing to do on a friday night, ever since I got sick and stopped drinking I just can't get into the club scene, and what I was really wanting to do is go out and find a man, a posable new Boyfriend, I'm getting really lonely. And because I did the cocaine I ended up home alone all perinoid and spaced out with a runny nose and no guy, I don't really want a one night stand, I'm kind of at a loss because before when I went out I would get just smashed drunk and always end up meeting a guy, the alcohol really helps break down my shyness and I'm really shy. It really comes down to my self esteem, I just don't feel attractive and there should be no reason, every one tells me I'm good looking and very cute and some seem to think I'm drop dead gorgouse, I do have a few personal adds out there on the net and I'm always amassed at the guys that respond to me, I think Wow that guy is to hot to like me, but the thing is
[5/5/2003 1:38:50 AM
that I'm hot and need to start thinking that! I just need to relax and let it happen, I have been told that I'm very likable but why do the guys when I go out seem to think I'm not approachable. Hmmnnn, I even got on one of those phone lines on friday night you know the sex line you call to meet guys and hook up for sex, I talked with a few guys but was just to hi and drunk to do anything, I have gone to a guys place I met on the phone when I was in Vancouver In fact I have had a few of the best sex times ever from the phone line....The plan before I went out was to try and meet a guy and if all else fails I was going to go to the bath house...I went home around two in the morning to get some money to get in to the bath house but when I got home I got scared and stayed in and on the phone line all night until I just jerked of and passed out. Oh my god I'm getting really frustrated with the whole men and sex thing, it has been at least a year or more, most of that year I have been sick so I have an excuse but now that I'm feeling better I'm not sure what is wrong with me, why am I having such a hard time meeting guys, its not like I'm ugly or something I do see all the looks I get walking down the street and all the looks the other cute guys give me its like stay away
[5/5/2003 1:36:35 AM
cute boy this is my space...well I think I'm just going to get into my new job more and concentrate on my heath and when a man comes my way great if not I'm not going to waste my time...Oh but I'm so dam horny or is it just that I'm lonely I don t know...An I have to kick my self in the ass for the friday night coke snorting I should know better..
Its just me and my hand for now and I will just have to calm down, hey it could be the testosterone injections, I have had three now and am I ever starting to see a change or is it the fact its spring I don't know anyway I have a new Job and my health is better than its been in a long time, Who needs a man, but I'm so alone...I don't know enough of this...
If any of you want to see what I'm up to, as far as Volunteering take a look at these wed sites the first one is a really big big fund raiser called Fashion Cares, its one of the biggest fund raisers for HIV AIDS research, on Sunday night I put up posters all over the gay village for it
the WEB SITE IS www.fashioncares.com , I'm very proud to be involved with a good thing like this and to help with a great cause...
[5/5/2003 1:34:03 AM
I am also busy with Pride Toronto, I have a meeting On Monday night and was busy helping out a few times in the last few weeks involved in the fund raising comity, if you all want to learn more about Pride Toronto go to there web site www.pridetoronto.com
So I'm going to keep on being busy with all this stuff and well I will keep my eye open for the man of my dreams but I'm not going to get distracted from my work and my health I think if it happens it will and I just have to wait...
I'm happy don't get me wrong I just need to share it with someone....
Some one who understands me and that will support me in my life and that will not discriminate me because I'm HIV positive, Well look at the time I have to go to bed I can't sleep in again, I just love my new Job way to much to screw that up...
Gay Canadian X Party Boy
PS to all who are keeping up with this crazy gay guy thanks for your time and to those that have emailed me thanks for the great support
It means the world to me
I should remind you all that I'm very open to questions about anything on your mind so ask me or just say HI..
[5/2/2003 5:13:29 PM
Its almost been a month now that I started this blog and 260+ hits Wow I find myself the last few days not really into posting, I'm not sure but I think it has alot to do with working so much, I've been working over ten days in a row!!! Its not that I'm there 12 hours a day I'm only there four or five....Its the timeing from 12 to 4 so it makes it hard to get anything done In the morning I'm trying to get my sorry ass out of bed, and for someone that for the last well forever has slept as late as I want its been a struggle to get out of bed in fact I've slept in three times so far, don't get me wrong I love it, getting up and having something to do is great, I really forgot what working can do for the body and mind, for the longest time I dreaded getting up there seemed to always be no point when there was nothing to get up to sometimes I would sleep 20 hours or more don't ask me how I did it...I have to find a way to go to work in the afternoon and get the other things done in the day...I was thinking in the morning but I have such a hard time getting up, I don't know why I have this problem, I just love sleeping I think its a guy thing I can't remember any time in my life being a morning person....
The last few days I have been thinking about moving, I keep getting torn from my sleep by disrespectful room mates, the thing about moving is the search and the one month notice, what if you can't find a place...the stress of it all is to much so I think I'll just put up with the noise of six room mates...Its not like I don't expect noise but at 2 in the morning thats a problem, I already have a problem sleeping because of HIV related night sweats, if you don't know what I mean its like waking up in a bath...I don't get them every night and am not sure why but its kind of like when you have a fever, I will wake up in the middle of the night freezing wet and have to move my blankets around or change if I have clothes on, any way its a bitch..
[5/2/2003 5:13:03 PM
last night at 2 one of my roommates came in all drunk and loud with no respect for me its freaking rude and he is one of them who is on the lease kind of like a land lord or manager and what do you do if they are the ones making the noise you cant really kick them out, man I'm going to get out of here soon If all goes well I will be staying in one of the amassing rooms at the B&B after al there are three houses and I have been told that several of the staff have lived there at one point, one guy just moved out that was sort of a winter time employee he looked after the place during the slow time in winter I want to do that this winter, I'm just waiting to get my self in really good terms with the management/owners..
They are the best guys I 've worked for ever, and I am so happy there, I think it's the best place I have ever worked and I plan on being there for a very long time....I really cant say how much I love it there so far....I think I will post a link to the place soon..
I'm out a here soon...One more thing I'm also happy spring is here Its strange I was looking around today and noticed that everything is turning green I just stood outside and spun around looking at all the trees and the green it seemed like over night it happened green such a great color....winter can be so disturbing for someone from the west coast...
Ok of to bed I am going to the Doctor in the morning before work, time for the third injection of testosterone and wow things are really popping up from that stuff, LOL I'm going out this Saturday and for the first time in over a year I 'm thinking about guys men and sex am I ever thinking about it ever guy that walks by me and on the way to work I'm having to hide myself with my bag its so damn funny What do you do if you get a big hard on walking down the street, I love it the little things in life, what guy has not had that problem....
Ok night night...
Gay Canadian X Party Boy
[4/29/2003 1:21:31 AM
I cant believe how much energy I have had the last few weeks! I had forgot how important it is for the mind and body to work....It's amassing how I've been feeling since I started my new job....The last year I had been sick with my pancreas and before that I was in the bad relationship with the guy I talked about, the one I had to go to court over. Since I Moved here three years ago I've never really had a normal day to day job...There have been a few, but I was more into drinking and snorting coke and of coarse there was always fighting with the Ex when I got home from the night of drinking. Looking back at the last few years I think a lot of the drinking had some thing to do with finding out I was HIV positive, I remember night after night of going out and getting so drunk I could hardly walk, sometimes I feel sorry for what I put my Ex through, even though he turned out to be a physco crazy stalker he did stick with me through my horrible drinking and drug use. I was always a mess when I got home and often took it out on him, I wanted to know why me, how could this happen to me, what did I do to deserve this. I would drink a beer or two an hour, and because of all my years of drinking in Vancouver it all seemed so normal to me at the time I didn't know what I was doing. Most of the nights I wouldn't remember anything I did! I would be told the next morning, it got to the point that I just told the Ex I didn't want to here what I did. Anyway because of all the drinking I couldn't hold a job, the drinking was only part of it, because of the HIV I would feel really sick from the drinking....I could go on and on the point is that my getting pancreastitis was good in a way because it stooped me from drinking, don't get me wrong the pain and suffering was the worst, but even the fact I have HIV a deadly disease that I will die from some time in the future didn't seem to phase me or make me stop and try and get my life together. You know that saying When you face death and survive, you change, see things in a new way! I don't know why finding out I was positive didn't wake me up and try to live a healthy life. I think the drinking helped to numb me and when I ended up in the hospital from drinking with a pancreas full of disease I had time ti think...A lot of it had to do with the fact that I couldn't handle the pain of it...The HIV really doesn't have a direct affect other than the mental side and that I fixed with drinking but with the pancreas getting worse every time I drank and the pain being so bad I couldn't even walk or take care of the basics like bathing kinda scared me....I think that having a tube stuck in me for four months to remind me what drinking could do also helped.....I'm not saying that I'm glad I got pancreatitis but in a way if I didn't I would most likely still be in a bar wasting my life away!
I know that I still have to come to terms with the HIV but for now I just try and forget about it. I really resent the times I'm reminded of it, in fact I think that might be why I have no sex life, every time I try and meet someone I hold back, the fact that I already have passed it on to my Ex really scares me! Like I said before we both made the choice to have sex the way we did, unsafe to many times..it just happened and before I new it just became normal, most of the time we did have sex I was so drunk and didn't even remember doing it, I still can't figure out why he let it happen because he never drank, I only saw him drunk twice over two years. Some of you reading this might be shocked to know this, and I can't really say anything other than I know it was crazy and wrong. I don't hold my self total to blame because he made the choice to. Wow I've never talked about this before to any one. I really want to deal with this HIV I'm so tired of being scared that any guy I meet will regect me. Because I was in a relationship when I found out I really hadn't dealt with telling someone, of coarse I told my friends, they where great and tried to help me anyway they could. But telling a guy you meet that wants to go home with you that you have a fatal disease that you might catch if we have sex is very hard! There was one guy I met last summer that I dated for a few weeks and didn't tell, I was so scared to tell him and tried to and next thing I know its been a few weeks and by that time he has already said that he wouldn't want to be with a guy who has HIV, he asked me and I panicked and said no and quickly changed the subject, my heart was on fire...After that I couldn't face him and just stopped calling him, I'm glad that we didn't have sex so at least I didn't have to face that.....Something really strange and frightening happened last week...Remember the crazy french guy I talked about..well he told me he was HIV positive, and I remember getting very sick just after I started having sex with him, about six seven months before I moved here to Toronto....I had all the simptems of HIV and him saying he was and had been back then made me think he gave it to me....He told me that he told me back then, but I remember him saying he wasn't and that he was worried I was...That means he lied and new he was positive and had unprotected sex with me. Im sure he gave it to me, I'm not mad just disappointed in myself for letting it happen!
Well after all that opening up about HIV I'm drained, I really don't spend much time thinking about it, I just want to forget about it and deal with it when I need to start the meds, and the good news is that like I said before my blood tests have been getting better the last few times! My doctor and I believe in waiting to start the meds until I really need them, when My T4 cells drop to 200 that is when you get AIDS and the body will start not being able to fight infections any more, it is good to wait, that will give me longer to take the meds...the thing is that every medication stops working at some point So if I wait I will have more time to fight and more drugs to take, lots of guys think that they should take the drugs all the time to keep the virus down but th suffer all finds of side effects and risk the virus mutating and havening ti start a new drug, the more that happens the less drug cocktails you can take, lots of guys run out of drugs that work and end up with no way to fight....they could have waited and lived an ok life until the drugs where really needed. The thing about waiting is that I do have really Hi levels of HIV and some side effects that would go away with the meds, but I'd rather wait and not have the most often worse side effects from the drugs...
I think this aprouch is called the passive approach.
I'm dealing with this I an I have no choice, so I'm done with the HIV talk for now...
After all that I have to tell about getting an old job of mine back, well I really didn't loose it I just was put on call and well Its at a local Gay bar called Fly...last summer I worked five or so nights..Its only open on saturdays so that was a lot....well I started to get sick with the pancreas thing so I had a bit of a hard time at the job and then winter came and I was told that they had a full time staff and I would only be on call, I was bussing...it was a hard job 12 hours 8pm to 8am...Its not the best environment for someone trying to stop drinking and drugs...the thing about this bar is its like a rave or circuit party and most of the guys are on E,K or some other drug. And I stay away from those, never liked them In fact I over dosed on GHB in Vancouver at a rave and was in hospital, my heart stopped and I had to be shocked back to life ever since that night I have stayed away from them, I used to have pockets full of them because I was a dealer, and still stayed away from them....Well my point is that I really don't think I have a problem keeping away from the drugs at this bar and only look at it as a job....the best thing about being called to work there again is that I will not be in the bar but outside other bars handing out fliers, little bits of paper that say things about future nights at the bar...its only;y a few nights a week if that and I get paid cash, I already worked one night last friday and after 7 hours at the B&B, man I was tired I didn't finish till 4 in the morning....the only thing I don't like about flyering is that I have to wait till the bar is closed.....Its great being outside though and not in a hot hot bar full of stoned out of there mind guys, and between us they look really bad when they are all doped up on E and what ever else they are on....
If you want to know what Fly looks like inside most of you probably already have seen it on Queer as Folk!! The first season was filmed there, in the show Fly is Babylon, it was really woerd when I was an Extra in SE02 EP17....They have rebuilt the bar in a Studio a replica of Fly, its strange being on the set, when I was there I also saw all the other places they film In the studio all a replica of several places on Church street...Thats TV for ya, I guess they save lots of money not having to rent the bars, I was told they spent a million or more to replica Woody s.
Anyway I'm glad to work for them again, handing out Fliers does not pay nearly as much as bussing but I figure it is a foot back in the job and I will be back bussing soon and in the mean time I will be able to build my health up even more...
One more thing to talk about ...The TESTOSTERONE....Oh my god have one thing to say about that, and guys you will know what I mean...Its not that I had a problem getting it up but my god do I ever get it up now, in the morning its like I'm sixteen again...its so dam funny, when I get up I have these hard hard raging erections...I don't know what to do with my self, and and when I'm walking down the street one will just pop up...Its hard to hide walking down the street, its been years since I just got a spontaneous erection, Today I had to hold it up in my pants pocket.....And my energy is going up and up....Im not sure if its the new job and all the physical work or both but I'm feeling really good, I just need to find a man to help me with all the new....well anyway, You get the point!!!
I have to go and sleep....Other than the health issues I'm doing good and my life is going where I want it to for the first time in six years, I still have a lot to deal with and am not over all the bumps but I am going and not stopping unless my health gives up on me...An other good thing is that the pancreas is getting better, I had an ultra sound the other day and only one cyst, so I think I'm doing ok, don't get me wrong the pain is still there and its not getting better but its under control, and I will not be needing the operation to remove part of the pancreas for a while I hope, its my choice and I want to wait and just manage the pain as best as I can till I can't and then deal with it.....
So I'm happy as of now and going to sleep I work every day this week...hmm what will I buy with my first pay check!!!!!
[4/27/2003 11:52:31 PM
OK I can't believe what I just did Man o man I'm pissed of.....I just spent the last two hours typing a post and hit a wrong button on the key board and lost it all......AHHHHH....So I will start over and post it later.....
In the mean time I can tell you that things have been going, really really good....
On the post I lost I talked about an other job that I got well started again, its at a Local club called Fly, For Queer as Folk fans, its the bar that Babylon is based on, they films the first year there and rebuilt a replica at a studio....
I was going on about my sex life well lack of one....Is the testosterone working.....I think so (more about that later when I recover from the loss of my post that I worked on for the last three hours)
Of course there is My New job at the B&B...Its going perfect I love it!!!!!!!!!!
More good news.. That blast from the past...the crazy French Ex boyfriend if gone and out of my life for good, I hope he is happy on the street (sorry I know that was mean but I couldn't help it)
OK I'm going to try and retype everything and do it off line and save it as I write, so I don't lose it this time...I keep saying that, you think I would learn my lesson.......
By the way I was out looking for a man last night.....Did I get lucky.....Don't worry what gay boy doesn't like to go on and on about his sex life...More about that later....
Laundry then type type type
Gays and Gals...
Gay Canadian X Party Boy
[4/25/2003 7:42:13 PM
So so So busy the last few days Oh boy
I will try to get on here with all that has been going on....
I am very happy and doing good....
Sorry guys and gals I will find the time to post everything soon
Gay Canadian X Party Boy
[4/24/2003 12:52:52 AM
Is anyone reading this????
I am curious if I have anyone that is keeping up on what I have to say here.....
Please let me Know!!!!
I need a little push so I can feel like I'm reaching someone.....
Sometimes I feel like I'm sending my thoughts and life into a big void....
I know there are some of you out there that are looking here, let me know, or just say hi...
Sorry about the lasy posts....I am trying to get used to a new job and all the new day to day things that go along with it...
Gay Canadian X Party Boy
My email link is on the left of here
[4/23/2003 1:22:10 AM
I'm sorry I have not been posting here in a few days I have been really busy with my new Job at the Bed and Breakfast!!!!!....It has been an amazing busy few days,
Its so strange that I have been doing nothing for the last year or more except trying to get my health back and within the last few days I have been busier than ever...With work and my probation and friends and getting rid of the freak French Guy from MontrĆ©al....Man I got him out of my life before any major problems, I'm so glad I was strong and know what I want and not let anyone stop me from improving everyday to be happy and make a positive impact on my friends and the World....
I will be posting a more detailed update of the last few days soon and the next bit about my past, all about my first and only love so far, a guy in Kamloops....where I came out ...I spent a year with him and will never forget his part in my life and will always wonder what could of been if only I could have him back.....I still love you and miss you very much....Derek if your reading this!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[4/20/2003 7:26:17 PM
Well oh my god.....That guy has not changed!!! So I ran into him on my way to my New job and was in shock I was sure I would see him one day, but not then....Like I said I let him stay with me.....When I last saw him it was three years or so ago We had just moved here to Toronto from Vancouver.......Like I said here in My blog he left me here and took of to MontrĆ©al, It was really hard for me, for some time to get my life in order, I was on the street and in trouble...Well after all that up to today my life is 100% different, and it seems his is the same still into the drugs and party life....I couldn't get the real reason why he came here to Toronto....I think he was running from something....Like I said he was on crack...He hitch hiked here with some guy, who he left when I offered to help him..I'm not surprised he did it to me, at least the guy is not far from MontrĆ©al....There was so many things that went wrong between us, I had forgot about most....So on Saturday I went to work for my first Day...I sent this guy out to the street Until I got home and called him, I didn't want to, I'm a nice guy though, and we had a past together so I really wanted to help him...I told him he could stay with me for a few days.....Seen as I live in a big house with several roommates there was only my room for him to stay in and in my bed with me...I really didn't like that...So last night around two in the morning he was not respecting my space and It turns out that he was under the impression that he could be a part of my life in a sexual way, the fact is It couldn't be farther from what I wanted....I only wanted to help him and see him find a job and a place to stay....So I asked him to move over in my bed to a comfortable spot for me....he wouldn't..I asked several time to just get over to the edge of the other side and stay there...he still wouldn't and just kind of laughed at me...Well I said you move over or get out...go back to the street if you cant respect what I asked .....we started to fight and everything from the past was brought up and I just couldn't go into all of it again and told him to just go get out....I was hopeing he had changed, another thing,,,he had been in a bad car crash and was crippled and had a cane to walk around...so I felt evan more sorry for him.....Anyway he left, and not after threatening me....He is just no good and I should of kept on walking past the day I ran into him last week....Because of my new job I didn't want anything to come in the way of it, that was another reason I told him to go...I needed my sleep, and with him there that was going to be hard....It turns out I slept past my shift today and was sleeping when my boss called three hours past when I should have been there...I'm so pissed at my self for letting someone screw around with my life...So many times I've let a man distract me from what I wanted in life..well not this time I stood my ground and got rid of him before things went bad again.....
So I didn't loose my job...I called as soon as I woke up and told them what happened, I was told that your life outside of work should be kept there and I understand that, I really want this job so I hope to never do that again....Miss a shift.......
I have to do my laundry his smell is on everything and is really sickening......I really did know better but he did help me to get away from my life of drugs and misery in Vancouver evan the fact that he left me on the street here.....I just wanted to help him and it turns out the help I had was not good enough for him, a good lesson to learn there are reasons that a relationship does not work and three years later they will still be there, people can change in some ways but there personality stays the same, don't let any man stop you from doing what you want in your life or coming into it and destroying what you have worked hard to get, there is a really good chance that what ever made you go on your own and get out of a bad relationship will be there in the future if you try to be friends or what ever if you haven't worked things out don't bother just keep on going down the street of life and leave those problems on the ground behind you.....
So I slept all day again, just about lost my new job after only one shift, and had an Ex boyfriend and now an Ex friend come into my life in two days, Oh ya and last night one of my roommates had to call an ambulance because he is sick with some kind of stomach thing...
Oh my I hope he is OK....I should tell tell you all about my crazy house some time soon, lets just say for now that I have five roomies and one that is here sometimes(boyfriend of one) I have to relax and try and get this crazy day out of my head, I just hope that this guy goes back to MontrĆ©al and out of my life for good this time....Oh ya I have to get his disgusting smell out of my room...
Take care all who are reading this and shearing my life...
I would really like anyone who want's to e-mail me to do so....I'm very curious who is reading this and if they come back every day to...
firstname.lastname@example.org email me thanks!!!!!!!!!!
[4/19/2003 9:22:38 AM
Oh my a real busy last few days!!!! I just got up and am on my way to my new Job...I got the one I talked about before...Its at a local Bed and breakfast......My first Job in years....well lagit job that is.....And I ran in to the guy I moved here from Vancouver with..the one I talked about here......I couldn't believe it.....I stoped and hesitated to say Hi...after what he did leaveing me here on the street I really had to but the past behind me.....It seems the roles have reversed he is now here in Toronto on the street....sweet justice I don't know....Well I felt bad for him so he stayed the night....I don't know what to do here, and I'm not really shure if I can trust him, he says to me he left Montreal to get away from drugs, crack!!!!!!! that was why we both left Vancouver, I left that behind then...It seems he didn't have much luck....Ohhhh a big big what do I do.....I want to help him but can I trust him after what he did to me? And people that are doing that Crack are bad news, I know I have tried it and been around the life style, It never got ahold of me, other poisons did....Ok I have to get ready to work and figure out what to do with this Guy....Wish me luck and If anyone who has been sharing here with me has some adice please tell me, I will be back to fill in everything from the last few days tonight sometime....
email me at email@example.com
[4/17/2003 11:08:21 PM
Yahoo Yahoo Yahoo
Im so happy my Blog is on Yahoo
I can't belive it My Blog is on a search engine Yahoo
Ok still its my first time out there after looking in since the start of the internet way back on a 14.4 modem....
Now that dates me.....Ok I'm not on my way to thirty,,,,A gay man would never tell his age Now
Good Night all Well for me What a day I'm on Yahoo
[4/17/2003 10:35:28 PM
So I guess my posts are just to long for this Blog site so I found out that I have to break them up into smaller posts....For now if you see that there is a very small amount of time between posts, they are all one post just broken up by little time breaks...Im going to try and fix this problem soon...
Thanks for your suport......
Some will notice things have changed....Don't ask I was trying to fix things when not really knowing what I was doing....
My links are missing I will put them back up soon
If anyone wants to email me
this link will be fixed as well as the others tomorrow
[4/17/2003 10:24:54 PM
Family Services Association OF Toronto;
Welcome to the David Kelley Lesbian & Gay and HIV/AIDS Counselling Services
The name Of a lovely pink flyer I received when I went to my first appointment to full fill part of my probation orders,
Something I was not to happy to have been going to.
The Next Steps, Partner Abuse Response Program (PAR
This is the program that I have to start I started it yesterday, so that's about all I did that day and for today well it was a very lazy day again....I spent most of it on the net reading other blogs and doing house work stuff
Its a long story and very complicated so I am going to try and tell it in as short as a form as I can, I could have not put this in my Blog but I said I would be talking about my life and what I'm doing day to day and what happened in my past to bring me where I am now....
This is going to be very hard for me to bring up, many of this are memories from the last three years that I really want to just forget about, I am trying to sort through my past in this blog from when I was 23 and came out....But in order to understand what is going to be a big part of my blog for the next few months I'm going to have to skip ahead 5 or 6 years.....the reason this is going to be very brief and to the point is because I really do not want to brake the chronological order that I started with my posts about my past but I have to so you will understand why I am doing this Program......
If you have read my entire blog you will understand where I am trying to go here, believe me I'm starting to get a bit confused here.
And when in my blog....I'm thinking a very long time from now that all this comes up in the order it should be from the begining of when I came out I will of course go into a very detailed version of this, that I think will take months do talk about
[4/17/2003 10:24:16 PM
So a big leap forward......to about three years ago......
I'm here in Toronto....
A move I talked about to get away from the drugs the booze the craziness of being a drug addict and dealer who thought I had every friend in the world to homeless and on my way to Toronto to start a New life....
A mad drive to Toronto Nonstop...Through the northern States....There's a week of entries there...
I found my self alone here In Toronto The Guy I thought was my Boyfriend split of to MontrĆ©al and left me on the street, his promise that we would have a place to stay was all lies
Lost scared homeless....Because I am a survivor and know how to take care of myself I found the help I needed and found my way to a shelter.....I met this Guy and next thing I know I'm in a relationship and living with him....No more shelter and as usual the guy fell in love with me.....
I woke up months later and realized I wasn't feeling the same way he did and trying to figure out if I needed him for stability and friendship rather than a relationship....Scared that I would end up on the street not really knowing anyone I stayed with him....He lived his life through me.....As always the guys I attract are very insecure and look for me to fill a void in them....
Because I didn't love him or was trying to....We had a very volatile relationship.....
I found out I was HIV positive
I gave it to him
He blames me
We start fighting
I start to try and go my own way
He wouldn't let me
I owe him for helping me of the street and supporting me he says.
He thinks I should stay to pay him back, be his partner evan though I didn't love him he does not care he says he doesn't want to be alone....
After months of fighting, sometimes mutually physical always emotionally violent...
He thinks he owns me, no freedom....no life for me....no privacy...I'm growing, no longer I am scared to leave and be independent...
He won't let me.. he keeps saying I will never make it on my own,I start to believe him
The fighting started to get way out of control...I was drinking all the time...
Police where called several times.....
[4/17/2003 10:23:47 PM | Charles Jokinen]
He kept telling me to go get out of his life....I'm nothing but a user....I try and go he won't let me
He keeps saying get out go back to the streets where I met you....
Finally I go...I have friends now..a new family to support me.
Everyone says get out get away from him
I take him up on his threats to get out....He says all the time get out leave...I know it was never really my home..I want my own home my life back.....
He follows me
I now have a stalker,
endless prank phone calls, he is behind me everywhere I go...before he was doing the same but now I'm on my own he has no right to be behind me any more....
Im walking on the street..he's behind me
I wake up...he is looking in on me from out side my new home through the window....I start to get scared....He tells me I should die....I'm thinking he is crazy and did I really know him....
He breaks in to my new home and steals from me....
He is looking in my windows...seeing me with other men...I catch him, a peeping tom masturbating at my window....
it goes on and on and on
I'm still drinking way to much...I'm out with a new man in my life, one I want to be with this time and I know from the beginning I know....I'm having fun....he shows up....talking to me...I'm trying to ignore him...he yells at me....how could you do this to me....on and on....he is talking to my friends all the ones that I had that he thought was his...they were not his friends....I am drinking more drinks I have a double or two or more...
He is following me again to the bathroom for two tears I could never go to the bathroom alone without him in public.....
I freak out I'm telling him to get out of my life, Go away, so many times I say move on we where not happy together...
I'm so drunk man am I drunk....I loose control he has me cornered in the bathroom telling me I ruined his life I gave him HIV I know I did....We where both there and took the risks together....
I snap and throw a glass at him....
I black out
I'm in jail....This will be a long scary story when I get to that time in my life in my Blog proper...
I put the court case of, delay it...He stalks me still...I'm the Victim of a stalker....My life in every way now is what I want...
I delay the court case to stay away from him......
I get sick Find out my pancreas is not working any more (as i've talked about)
We are around about last year Summer.....
[4/17/2003 10:23:12 PM
I'm to sick to fight the court case...Everyone knows I should fight the charge of assault...I just want him out of my life,
I'm so sick I plead guilty....the judge says how ridicules this all is....He should be the one where I am......
The police are asking me to charge him with stalking to get a restraining order...
After months of delaying the court case its over in minutes....
I get 60 hours of community work...I call it Volunteering....
I have to take this Program that I first spoke about in this post to my Blog....
He has left me alone....This was all over last summer but I have been sick so I have put of the Program and the Volunteering...I have to do it know I am running out of time.....This was the first time ever that I have been known by the law.....
Wow I did it and I was trying to be short about it......I just put thought after thought down about the whole thing....
I should say after the court case I don't know what happened with him he stopped stalking me shortly after, I think maybe that he finally new it was over.....And I'm still dealing with it....9 more hours in the program and my community hours to do...I'm really happy about the community hours because I get to do them at Pride Toronto, something I love....
That was exhausting..I'm not going to change any of this entry....my thoughts just as they came out......I will as I said one day be going through this all again on my blog when my past catches up to my present in my Blog...Hmmmm does that make sense I hope so....
Ouch bye bye boys and girls..
Here is a link that talk's about the program I have to take....
copy paste it into the browser
[4/17/2003 10:09:00 PM
I am haveing problems posting to my blog today....Please don't give up on my blog I will try and fix the problem as soon as I can
[4/17/2003 1:51:48 AM
Just to warn some who may be offended by sexual situations should not read this entry.....
As I said here is more about my past from where I left of on Wednesday April 09,
So after I met Trevor things never where the same for me, because of the several years I was in the closet I had allot of life to live or catch up on, its like I had to make up for all the lost experiences from my teen age years and early adult hood. Like I said there where the monthly dances and I went to every one of them, I don't really remember much about it but some how I learned about a local cruising spot, in a park. A cruising spot is a place that gay men go to meet most often late at night and in the midst of the public. Its a odd kind of place, its known by the gay community and of course the authorities...Well one of the first nights I went was a few months after the first dance and I had given up on Trevor for good...He was my first love and I had got myself very confused about him, so I found the park...It was still cold and wintry but I went anyway the pull to go and meet other gay men was very strong....I wonder what my life would of been like if I only had known about such a spot when I was younger, a place that I had been so many times and known nothing about all the gay men around me and I never thought a place could exist. So it was sometime late at night and I met this guy...I was hiding in the bushes and he kept pulling up in his truck and walking around and then coming back, I think that I had seen him before....well after being disappointed that hardly anyone came to the park except a few old men that jerked of in there cars and when I walked around they followed me around like some desperate sad men.....I was going crazy wanting to meet other guys and eventually this guy in the truck came up to me and asked me to leave with him so I did.....He was in his late twenties I think. I remember driving to his place while he was smoking a joint, I declined and we arrived at his house....I noticed a ring around his finger and asked about it he said nothing .....You have to think about the fact that this was the second guy I had met and it was in a park in the middle of the night, so I was very nervous but at the same time excited and very very wanting to explore my sexuality.....when we got in his house I looked around and thought that he must not live here alone....he said he had a roommate and he was out of town....the first thing he did was put some porno video on and offered me some beer, I drank them as fast as I could to try and calm my nerves....I remember sitting there and looking at him...He was really hot and I couldn't believe that a guy like him would want to be with me....he was very muscular and manly looking....he lit up another joint and I said no again, pot makes me crazy paranoid and that's the last situation I wanted to be in Hi on pot with a guy I didn't know....So I had no Idea what to do next...its not like I had picked up guys at the park before.....I'll never forget how the rest of the night went and how it left me feeling....it was after al the second guy I had ever met in my gay life....He took my hand a led me up the stairs to his room, it was very dark, next thing I new I was in his bed..Wow I had no idea what to do and this guy was very aggressive with me....I remember looking up at him as he was standing up above me naked and jerking of....next thing I know he is bent over the bed and I'm standing behind him...By this time all my clothes where of....he pulled out some lube at this point in my life I really was naive....well he kept asking me what do you want to do with your dick over and over....I just stood there almost in shock over what was going on....this guy was out of it on pot and booze....some how I ended on the bed again with him standing above me again....the guy was very built and he was aware of it he kept saying you like what you see don't you you like a hot muscle guy, you like looking at a man don't you you like my dick you like a big muscle guy don't you .....I was so nervous I couldn't get an erection.....well before I could evan get into it he was done...I remember he was jerking of really hard...Next thing I know he is done and Im told to get dressed and we go down stairs.....he didn't really say anything.....I didn't know what to say....and was thinking is that it hmmmm,it's not like I was totally inept about what sex should be like but this was not what I expected.....The next thing he does is offer to call me a cab and say that he would like to see me again...I didn't know what to think.....he then gave me 10 dollars to pay for the cab....My god did I feel used suddenly.....and very discouraged.....The guy was only into him self and I being so new to gay sex I was not very encouraged by the whole night.....I phoned the number...turned out to be a fake....Over the next several months I saw him in the park and he avoided me, and it turns out that the roommate was his boyfriend who was out of town on business....
that night I learned that some guys are only out for sex and that the next time I have a guy with a thing full of lube bent over a bed that it means he wants me to Top him (fuck him, for lack of a better word) Its funny how gay sex is and all the hidden messages that are involved.....One thing I'll never forget is how his toned muscular chest looked with the faint light from the door hitting him......
As I gazed up at him virginal and all full of expectations......I have often thought what would have happened if I figured out what he wanted me to do that night....
A funny story about my second ever experience with a man and my first one night stand or trick as some say.....
After reading this a few times it came to me that when he took out the lube I noticed that there where no condoms offered, I think maybe that night was my first experience being put into the position of un safe sex and that I remember a part of me thinking that something was wrong here....I wonder what changed those many other times in the future, where nothing stopped me not evan the thought about what the absence of a condom could mean.....Not to sound clichĆ© but I know now , I really know now
[4/16/2003 4:49:04 PM
I found this on the net somewhere and thought in a way it described my feelings in a way about being HIV positive....
I reworked it and edited to fit a gay mans life
I hop you enjoy it
the body of knowing an other
The body of knowing another is quite a different thing from the body of sex. I crept into a room of moans pricking my ears. I did not know what he looked like. I did not feel into his body of knowing.
He was quiet in intent in action in bed. He said he was tired. We discussed relationships. What exactly is that? They forget to clarify their positionings.
Usually I begin with a play of words and an exchange of intention. Words turn into kisses turn into touches turn into tumblings and turnings under hot sheets. Usually I begin with the body of knowing which is quite different from the body of sex.
My friend and I, we have interesting karmic patterns. Somehow, men wander into our lives. We have an instant triangulation formula. I feel jealous at times. He feels jealous at times. We play with power. We play being powerless.
I wonder how much he knows about the body of knowing. I would like him to enter into it. We would like to enter the metaphor of love. He seems untouchable somehow. Yet I touch him, I kiss him. I cathect him. What is it about his age, his untouchability?
I am unsatisfied. He is too. We imagined we were born for this. In this fantasy of mastery, we were born amidst idealizing and convicting gazes and adorations. We were born with this challenge of moving beyond glamour. We have nothing so we do this. We have nothing to do with that or the other. We are in it because of those gazes.
The glamour of sex shimmers like a tigerā€™s shadow. What happens when he has no words to frame his experiences? Just his pink feelings. What happens when I have no words or reason for being here with him?
We have not quite entered into the sweating body of sex. I do not even know if words turn him on as they do me. Perhaps it will be an erotic monologue. Metaphysical masturbation.
My friend told me he felt perfectly capable of being in relationship with an ugly person. A physically ugly person. An internally ugly man is a different creature. Maybe an opposite creature. He and I got on well. We had such a strong connection. One day I woke up with him beside me feeling subtly ill. His appearance made me ill. I struggled with that for a number of weeks. Eventually it all got too much and I ended the affair. We got on exceedingly well.
If you close your eyes when having sex you can be with anyone you want. Open eyes are a different thing. I wonder if he closes his eyes at the point of orgasm? If so, where does his spirit go?
When I get to the point of equanimity in this ocean of cathexis, who will I be? The waters are too turbulent to reflect any one clearly.
Wanting the Mirror, I became his. My reflections initially pleased him. I am becoming obsessed with the Mirror. It has fogged up and I cannot see the body of knowing.
As a child I broke several mirrors. That is when I learnt about karma. Seven years of bad luck! It frightened me. So now I take great care of my mirrors. I do not have a mirror in my room. I have not had one for years.
Men are forever looking into mirrors. I can learn something from that. The mirrors are a substitute for our lost gaze. A stand in for my gaze. So they are a substitute also for something behind my gaze. Something so fundamentally already. Mirrors tell these men about my desire. And who told me about desire?
When he was a child he learnt a lot from dinnertime rituals. Mother and father at two ends and kids on the side. He learnt to eat whatever was placed before him at the same time every day for all those years. Then he left because of the other. The otherā€™s desire was too much his desire for him.
Now I encounter him in the midst of his beauty and he is quiet. So much so that I cannot see a mirror and so my hunger for words pulses sickeningly. I am waiting with a customary impatience to enter the body of knowing. It may never come. I may never come.
It has only been four days. How swiftly the hunger arises! Black words spat out of hungry mouths! What is the white page? The White Page is a Void. It swallows my thoughts and desires silently. I often feel the need to vomit these words out. My desire is never silent. My desire is like a blue breath. A Blue Breath can be the most exhausting breath. Blue carries so much. The blue train trails a string of desire. Desire occurs with distance. Distance is significant. For certain people, distance creates a space of allowance. Absence is an affair of the heart but distance is the greatest aphrodisiac.
Tonight my friend kissed me on the lips and we danced through the blue evening. He has never kissed me on the lips. We danced drunkenly. In seven weeks, his bags and his body will be in an aero plane. I will not see his for an indefinite length of time. Time stretches like elastic into an unending future. Occasionally, memories of the future rubber band into the present. Those will be the times when we remember the unspoken.
When memories of future sneak into an unsuspecting present, we are surprised.
I miss him and yet I do not. I wonder how I can miss him when his movements are the unfolding of his perfect being his diamond mind? It is necessary for mysterious reasons for you to leave? Distance is necessary as much as the other is dead.
You are beautiful you know. I have always thought so. This is a long overdue letter. It is only now that I can type in these black words. It is only now that the blank white reveals himselfā€¦ an open space of zero. It is only because of distance.
Because you are beautiful, I find it difficult to maintain any boundaries between our spirits. Infidelity? I do not know. Because you are beautiful, you remain in my heart. My heart is a garden for the beautiful. There are also side entrances for the ugly. The only difference between evil and good is time. And distance.
What will Time inscribe into our narratives of togetherness? Words elude me now.
Our determination to know you created you and me. Can you remember the first words we exchanged?
Some people train to listen to others talk about a sense of otherness. This otherness is the most defining characteristic of our time together. But this continuity may not be what you think it is! In the same way, this dream is necessary. Some people train to become big Ears and these big Ears pressed to the ground of our unconscious glow red hot.
Our continuity latches onto the blue train. We become passengers in each other. The grooves of mind lock seductively. You know what the blue train is. For this reason, you love music that much more.
Goodbye dearest friend. We will realize each other almost before the other does the self. And that is all in accord.
Time confuses me tremendously. The rate at which others walk into my life warps my perception of the intensity of movement. The other is a man. I am always moving. Always moving through. The stops are marked with names and dates. Dates are meaningless because of their function as memory cues. The rate at which we talk ourselves into intimacy intimidates me.
Memories are emptier than sky. I spent some time with him last night. All we had before us were historical images of one another, verbalizing accusations and concerns. He cannot see that I am change. I cannot help but speak to that part of him that lives eternally within me. Somehow our eyes peer into each other, seeing that part of us living eternally inside the other who is dead.
Words I put to his feelings were hurled back into the spaciousness from which they emerged. We spoke too specifically. Metaphors liberate the interpretive field. He could then see the self he wanted to see more clearly. I could then speak the truths I needed to speak to the other in my self. Thus we connected in the ambiguities of intention and meaning. We summoned the time before the mirror broke.
I drew forth the Moon. My fears occupied this position. I am afraid of raw tides of emotion. Petrified of cycles. Of death. Of Kali. The King sits upon turbulent waves, wielding the trident of intellect against the onslaught of feeling.
He called us spiritual whores. Terror behind the mask of commitment is a hallmark of our generation. This cold dread of intimacy is our watermark. I fear the obliteration of the other in my self. This fear is a fear that projects itself in a sequential progression leading to heartbreak. I dread the otherā€™s human needs and desires. I dread my own inadequacy in the face of perennial human needs and desires. I loathe the very mirror I broke.
Where do artists draw the line? At the level of our skin? When I touch your skin, I feel one with you. I almost feel the you that I am. I feel you more sometimes than I feel myself. It is more comforting to feel your solid sexual physicality sometimes. And then it is terrifying also evoking i-mages of dark rituals of blood sacrifice.
What a thing it is to carry death through the doors of a relationship. It broke my heart. It broke my heart precisely along the fracture lines. Heartbreak is radically individual. My heart breaks because it dreamt of breaking. It is little related to the relationship or love. Far less the human. However, he conspired with my heart in its dream of breaking.
Heartbreak is also a demand. My heart broke because of a pervasive slumber. He was still half asleep. I tried to wake him but his fears were like chains binding him to the bed. He lay there naked the entire time. Enticing. Holding a false promise. Yet he was inside me all the same. The image of his chained naked was already there.
Heartache is a mirror. Heartbreak is a forced entry into the body of knowing another.
Tonight he was dressed exquisitely. He is slick and difficult to define. He refuses to create a space of allowance, of desire. He is ambivalent. He will take it either way.
Earth red black charred green. Scarred along the heart. Heartbreak signifies decay. How do we mourn the worlds and words expiring around us? Heartbreak is a forced entry into the body of knowing our world. This entry is death. Earth is Deathā€™s temple.
Fire swift glowing melting. Someone said to him, ā€?we can burn our pain like fuel for evolutionā€¯. The image of a burning crucifix invaded my mind. There was no Christ on this Cross. I know he stepped off a while ago. The dream my heart had of breaking was his exit cue. He no longer needed to die.
Air soothes earth scars. Heartbreak breathes in the whirring silence of wind. Over time, even the abortions of intention are swept away.
Almost beyond my desire he reached inside. He wondered what to do with him. He consulted the I Ching:
Chia Jen: The family. The perseverance of the man furthers.
I: The corners of the Mouth. Perseverance brings good fortune. Pay heed to the providing of nourishment and to what a man seeks to fill his own mouth with.
He works with metaphors. He walks with people down these corridors. He watches as they struggle with him grappling with myriad threads and at the same time weaving with devout discipline.
Intimacy is moving through the needleā€™s eye. We are intimate camels. I can feel the threat in your knowing and understanding. I watch myself as defenses arise. Is he afraid of being apprehended in the gaze of understanding? Is he petrified of such illumination? Am I recoiling from the sun?
On contact with sunlight, my body melts into a tender relaxation.
Today I finally contacted water. We meditated on a stream. I waited for a day and a night for this stream. Now unexpected people bring this to me. Now the unexpected is brought to me.
A Blue Breath can be the most exhausting breath. Blue carries so much. The Blue Train trails a string of desire. Desire occurs with distance. The mans distance is significant. Distance allows necessary phantasies to breathe.
What is it that my fear seeks? The water is inviting precisely because I have seen those sharks just the other day.
The other pushes my head under water so that I once again confront the radicality of my own alienation. I almost drown in it. Yet the myth of knowing beckons still. I am propelled towards this lure of knowing the elusive man. He is long time dead.
In actuality I confront my own dreaming childhood and his very real absence. A lesson in the impossibility of knowing an other.
The seduction was born in my first realization of the other; in my first confrontation with this extremity of solitude. It is a seduction of knowing. Desire for entering the body of knowing an other. It was born when I first looked in the mirror. And then it broke.
There where I engage and attempt an interpretation of these others, they cease to be and we fall into the gaps of the real. Interpretation is death.
Horrifying space all the more horrifying when the one who has fallen with me sits oblivious of this horror, blind to this fall. He seldom sought to interpret. He seldom confronted his death. His fended off masochistic urges.
Anxiety riddles me when first we remove our clothes. Fortunately, desire steps in to the rescue. Heaven forbid, we might once again fall through crevices into the real. Are we abyss meeting abyss as someone mischievously put it.
Signaling danger, signaling death, anxiety propels me into flight. Ninety nine lives even would not be enough.
Z has become my favorite discursive object. My anxiety is so intimate in my cathexis. My cathexis is a desire to interpret. This desire is my interpretation and our death.
Stepping out of this discursive field is indeed frightening. Because Z is still alive! Z is not dead despite murderous interpretation. As it is, his continuation imposes upon me a glimpse of our discontinuity. His survival presses me into a black hole with all its traumatic reality.
Engagement continued after fragmentation. It seeks to abate my anxiety. I flee from the window of the real in Herculean dialogue. Can I make him a subject?
Writing reassures me in a remarkable way. It is my science of avoidance.
[4/16/2003 4:10:34 PM
Hi there...I have been diving into the world of web programming, the last time I tried something like this was way way back in grade six when computers first where seen in a schools. I think the name of the programming I did was called lotus or something like that anyway it was basic graphics and I was what 11 12 well things ar a lot different....On the bottom of my blog you will find some things I've added including a little thingy to rate my blog I know I know its kinda silly but please amuse me by letting me know what you al think, I'm not going to take it very serious, plus take a look at the site...I've been lost in many blogs I've found there......Later
P.s. Don't forget to email me if the feeling hits you...I'm very friendly and will respond to everyone.....
Has anyone noticed my spelling is improved?
I don't have a spell check so I've been running my posts through hotmail.....
[4/16/2003 12:55:33 AM
Today was a very lazy lazy day...One of the kind that you only get out of bet to eat or go to the bathroom.....I think I slept for 20 hours..I don't know how I do it but I can.....In fact I only got up so I could shower....I started to feel really ,well in need to clean myself.....it was so warm here in Toronto...I'm the type that does not like the heat and think that summer here is really bad I hate it and I mean hate it...I miss Vancouver so much sometimes...Mostly the climate and Friends of mine there.....
I think that the pain meds I take help me sleep so long...I have been getting night sweets allot these days...I'll wake up and be very cold and wet...if I'm wearing a shirt it will be soaked, one of the side effects of HIV....I have to get up three or more times a night to change my shirt and move the blankets and pillows around....I really get pissed when it gets bad because it reminds me about the fact I have HIV.....infact anything that reminds me get me going...I try to forget about it as much as possible, I'm more often reminded more than Id like.....Sometimes I feel like a poisoned person, like I'm a killing machine just waiting to inflict my disease on others....I think this is a big problem and I need to figure things out...this is why I keep it buried in my thoughts...its not that I blame anyone, but why do I need to be reminded about it, a good example is when I look at personal adds and see things like DD free (drug and disease free) there are many examples of this type of thing, must be clean is one of them...implying that I am dirty or unclean, its not as if I'm already full of complexes and issues around my being hiv positive but I don't really think that some guys know what they are saying and how it makes others feel.....Its on my mind almost all the time and holds me back from many things I want to do....I feel like what's the point, if I could get sick and die any day....Have I ever got on a sorry for me campaign....anyway I don't know where this all came from,,Every time I see or here about HIV all these thoughts and many more start going into my head and that's why I try not to think about it, earlier I was online and came across some HIV info so it was On my mind....I'm sorry if I upset anyone, I am dealing with it slowly, I think that part of my drinking was about being positive and stopping that has forced me to start confronting it, its only been 6 months now and well I have a long way to go I think(six months that I stopped drinking every day I could) In fact I have to go to a councilor or therapist type person today to try and deal with my anger about being HIV positive and life in general...I don't like the idea .....I'm of to try and sleep...
[4/14/2003 6:01:20 PM
So I got over the lost entry.......
Yesterday the movie shoot was lots of fun.....one of the lead actors was....well its the first time i've seen the way an actor interacts with the crew....this guy seemed to have a bit of attitude...and when I walked in front of him during one of his lines he wasn't happy so they had to redo the shot and I had to walk by after he was done...that's what I did all day, walked through a bar...while the main characters sat at a table in a bar....it was funny I stood there and waited for the director guy to point at me and then I walked across the bar....the move was called Into The Heat.....It is a low budget movie and I mean low..my agent asked me to do it as a favor for him and volunteer, he says that they ran out of money for the movie...I'm not 100% sure if all this is true but I trust them so far....I have done several other movies and tv shows and got paid..So they tell me Im on the top of the list for the next job that I fit the look needed....I really don't mind volunteering for extra work because I really like meeting and learning from all the people that are involved in the film industry...I do it for the money to and maybe to be discovered...anyway!!!!! I am luck I look a lot younger than I do....I can pass for 22 and younger....I did one movie and my description was twinkie...I thought that was hilarious.....its not that I've not been called that before by other guys but never officially.it was called Soldier Girl(the movie) and of course what guy in Toronto hasn't done Queer as Folk(joke) or at least the guys that have nothing better to do. In Queer as folk I was in a dance scene on season 2 at babylon....If you look really close you can see me twice all sweaty and looking like Im on E....well my attempt to act I'm on E.....they kept yelling through loud speakers...get excited your partying your on E.....blah blah....Don't get me wrong I've done E....sold it..you name it...I never liked it and felt like I would die when I tried it...So acting like I was high on it was Hard..for me..I had no problem drinking all the fake beer they gave me(of course) its not as fun to drink with no buzz) but I thought I could get into the mood if I drank it....it worked for a bit....but its hotter than the real bar on set..Fly the real babylon in year one remade on a set now, Fly I don't think much about that place but that's another story(I worked there for a couple months last year)
On to today....On my health front...should I start calling it that, hmmmmm? I'm trying to put things down here as real as possible..as my thoughts come up and not journalized things(tabloidish)if not words I'm calling them my new words in fact every misspelled word to in now spelt the way I do....Was that funny...? ok the heath, yesterday and to day have been ok...there seem to be allot of variables to pancreatitis and the pain,what I eat that kind of stuff is very important as long with no booze....that has been one of the hardest thing of all about this illness is the no drinking....I've lost a few friends because I don't go out really anymore and that's all we had in conmen getting drunk so when I went out with them and no drinking there wasn't much to talk about...
This morning I had a ultrasound.....it was good news I think....the major cyst has got smaller, and at last last look it was the size of a grapefruit, today it was only 3cm long....the last time I was in the hospital my pancreas wasn't evan recognizable, because it was covered in cysts...I can't really explain the illness but there is lots of info online about it if you want to learn more about it I can say for sure that it is very painful....
the job interview the other day....I e-mailed the guy to remind him about me and say that I hope the next time I see him that I hope to be an employee...he responded and it looks evan better than I thought....I think I will be starting soon...I think this is going to be really good for me to get out and do something for once..its been over a year of fighting for my health and I think that I can commit to a job again.......when I find out for sure I will let you know all about it......
I've decided to start working on the next bit about my past offline and then put it in here from time to time.....to be honest I'm having a hard time and am starting to be a bit embarest about my ability to write and my spelling, I think it has lots to do with the fact that I grew up with a computer that had spell check and grammar check so I didn't have to think much about it and have forgot how to spell some of the most simple words.....that's technology for ya....I did come up with an idea about my spelling, seen as the blog site has no spell check I'm going to put it through a program on my computer and then repost it on here....
well I'm off for now later
[4/14/2003 12:15:29 PM
I just typed for two hours and forgot to save it and lost everything so I'm a bit mad....So I will do it again later...maaaan Dam computer.....
[4/13/2003 3:28:41 AM
I spent the day learning html and adding my site to servers all over the place......this is a crazy world ( the net ) it seams that it takes hours and hours to do a few things on the net....If you look at the bottom of the page you will see the site counters(two of them, not sure why I need two but hey) , I did that...its not much but I'm proud of myself for learning how to do it....I learnd about this thing called meta tags and lots of other stuff I can't explain...Seen as I spent all day doing this and then worked tonite doing promotions for a personels web site handing out flyers at a bar called Budies..My hands frooze by the way ouch...Its strange for weeks I did nothing at all and now when I start this blog I find I'm busy and on Sunday well today in six hours I'm working on a movie as an extra...I'm playing a latino guy in a night club in NewYork...Why do I allways seem to work around bars Hmmm...So I have to go sleep....Ya I think I forgot to mention I do acting More to come on that jeee have I said that before to....Honestly.....Ok ...Oh ya I'm so thrilled that I have got 30 somthing hits to My blog....Thanks everyone and I hope that everyone comes back once and a while to share my life with you....Ok I have to sleep now.......I'll post more when I get home from the movie shoot....I am so all over the place when I type this thing My point was originaly that I'm tired and of to bed so I don't have time to post more....Bye Bye allll...I feel like saying my bit about the world today so I'm doing it Peace to everyone (war stuff inspired)
[4/11/2003 11:20:13 PM
Today was a good day, very busy for me...Before I go on I wanted to talk a bit about my entry's about my past....When I started this blog I had a few ideas about what I wanted to do, and I plan On doing exactly what I said, it's just thinking about the past can be very draining emotionaly....I think most of us know what thinking about things long forgot about can be, it's funny things you thought you forgot all of a suddanly flow back, it's sort of like when you smell something or do something and a memory comes back that is triggerd by your action...If I remember from my years in University (well year) its called memmory asociation...the thing is thinking about all the hard difficult times brings back all the saddnes or pain I was going through at the time.......Oh man what am I going on here for, any way....I do plan on telling all kinds of things about my life, From where I left of, I plan on telling about My first love and I think my only so far, I mean love! Its been five years now and I still think of him almost every day....Then I want to talk about My move to the Big city Vancouver, the years I worked in Gay bars there, the drug dealing I did. anything from Extasy,cocain,crystal meth,ghb oh ya there was the time I overdosed on ghb, guys please stay away from that one, believe me I used to sell tones of it and I know its deadly...the list goes on working in raves meeting big time drug dealers, the kind that had guns, I know sounds crazy..I can't believe some of the things I got my self into, oh and then theres a guy I worked for in the raves after hours that got murderd by the people that I also worked for selling drugs...
I have been wanting to share all this for a long time so I can help others to know what they might be getting into...Its going to be very hard for me to bring up all these memorys but I want to share my life with who every wants to listen...So more to come lots lots more to come about my life and how its afected me today...and I know it all seems so negative, well when you find yourself a drug addicted dealer and alcoholic gay party boy there tends to be lots of really bad times that go on and on...There are a few good memorys, more of them are since I moved here to Toronto to get away from the life I had in Vancouver.....
About today I'm so happy about the interview I had.....I think I got the Job..the interview went great..I'm not going to go on about it til I know for sure,I'll just say that its a gay business in hospitality...If I get the job it will be like working in a Victorian mansion...More to come about this.....Ouch my but..my injection the other day of testosterone...I still am clueless why my levels had dropped and so is my Docter...I've been told that one effect is getting erections all the time...its funny thats all I am thinking about now..and today when I was walking around Church street(local gay street) I started to get one more than once...it was sort of embarising...I hope to find someone to use them on LOL...oh my..I am going to phone that guy I talked about..the one in the band....did I say how sexy he is and kinda kinky...Last summer I went to see him in his band at a local club and wow...enough about that....I'm kinda scared though because He wants to go out and I can't drink and I know that he will want me to go home with him...I have not been with someone unless I was drunk out of my mind except for when i've been in a relationship.....I'm tired...I went out to eat with some friends and I had a glass of wine and now I have a head ace, I had a great time by the way.....so I will be back later to continue.....
I was very happy to here from a few that are shareing this blog with me...Thanks for the e-mails I will get back to you tomorrow....
[4/10/2003 5:35:37 PM
[4/10/2003 5:09:04 PM
Well I am haveing a bad couple of days since my last entry....As I said I have Pancreatits...Well the pain is been acting up more lately....
I'm haveing problems sleeping.....Its all because I've been slipping with the booze, I went out a few times the last week or so....And every drink is poison...I should know better...I am very angry...Its funny each time I go out to the bars I don't enjoy myself....I can't figure out why I do this to myself...Dam it....I know...I'm feeling sorry for myself...If everyone had any idea what a few drinks can do to your body....
Is anyone reading this....Its funny I feel like I'm sending my thoughts out to a big void!
So I was up all night..So I'm very tired.
Some good news, I got my shot of testosterone today 100mg....Plus I got some pain killers, I do take 300mg of morphine a day, slow release pills. I've been taking them for almost a year and have built up a tolerance to them...when they don't stop the pain I take a fast release pill its called a breakthrough....My doc doesn't like giveing them to me because I take alot already...the meds today helped !...
Like I mentioned I have a job interview tomorrow....I'm nervious as hell...I'm on disability because of My HIV...So I have to be carefull about working, they could say if you can work you are not disabled...Well its very complicated, simply if I get sick no money coming in and the Drugs cost over 1500 a month if I need them (HIV Meds; I'm lucky so far I don't need them)...So I'm screwed If I get sick. It took over six month to get on disability ( government disability, its called ODSP, Ontario Disability Support Program ).....I'm aloud to make about 200 a month befrore deductions, I figure thats a day a week...So wish me luck...Well I have to start working on my resume
If there is anyone reading this please e-mail me so I feel like someone is out there and I know I'm not doing this for myself only
<-------------------------------E-mail me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!E-mail me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!E-mail me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!E-mail me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!E-mail me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!E-mail me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[4/9/2003 1:14:46 AM
I forgot to mention, Please feel free to e-mail me about anything
[4/9/2003 1:10:19 AM
Hi there SO I'm not sure where to go from here....
Well lets talk about that first Guy I meet at the dance..His name was Trever...Remember this was six going on seven years ago....I could't grasp what I was looking at a room full of men and women danceing together holding hand kissing...I remember that night it was very cold and snowing..this is a city called Kamloops...its in the interior of British Columbia, Canada about five hours north east of Vancouver...So like I said I went to the bar as fast as I could....I had stopped drinking for a few years... after spending most of my teen age years hi on pot or alcohal.....So I had several beers...I remember siting by the door so I could get out of there if I chickend out...I really wanted to be there though after all those years thinking about what I was doing...So Trever came up to me and asked me to dance...I remember the feeling it was amasing...at the time I didn't know alot about being gay, but he was like a Cowboy, boots and all...I now know that he was not really my type...but at the time that was not really something I had figured out...So we started to dance...I kept looking around at everyone and thinking how strange it was...seeing same sex couples....and men kissing each other...something I wanted to do....it was late when I got there....so I didn't have much time....Anyway He asked me to go home with him.....By this time I had had several beers and was drunk for sure....
As I said this Blog is all over the place....Some of the things I remember about that night...We ended up at my house...at the time I was liveing in a house that a bunch of my Hi school friends rented...we were all in University.....It was so hot I was kissing and making out with a guy for the first time...and he was in my bed...I should say for a year or so before I was online so I had alot of ideas about what gay sex should be like....But I was a virgin "gay virgin" I had been with a few girls in Hi school, failed atempts at a few relationships and was asked several times if I was gay and why wont I kiss them, anyway So I remember he tried to top me(anal sex) I was the bottom...He put his penis in me...Oh my good I have two big memories of that, one be very clean and two it hurt...ouch, its funny because we both didn't know what we where doing...He was so hot...You could say my first love...he was older than me 27...I was 23.....It turns out that it was his first time with a guy to....I remember him telling me that he was telling all his friends that he had a girlfriend, when they asked him where he was...seen as we had been spending alot of time together....Well it was really distracting...Him that is..I couldn't stop thinking about him...at the time I was in chef school and was not keeping up with things. I remember one day I was useing a big blender and drfted off thinking about him and some one yelled at me...flour was all over the place and me...I couldn't believe how someone could totaly take over all my thought...
Well there was no going back....Its funny My female roommate had noticed a big change in me...she kept asking me and saying how happy I was all of a suddanly....And I was....For years before in the closet I was miserable....I couldn't stop smiling and was in the best moods ever. I felt born again...released from some kind of misery....My friends all kinda new that I was gay and told me later that they where waiting for me to figure things out...lucky me because that was one thing I was scared about that they would reject me...well My roommate Rhonda asked me one day who was that guy that came out of my room several days in a row....I tried to cover it up and say he came over early to study or something like that...but there was no explaining all the noises from my room all night...that dam head board banged at the wall really loud.!!!!
Anyway to try and make this a bit shorter.....Trevor lasted a month or so....silly me couldn't figure out that he was going mad in his world and wanting to come out but was surounded by people that couldn't know or he could loose everything, I was so lucky Everyone in my life accepted me and my sexuality...Because of his pain he started to drink alot and call me late at night upset and crying about his sexuality....looking back now I know that we where both going through a major life change but for him it was a huge strugle....Family that kinda stuff...Well we saw each other for a few weeks and then it stopped...I learned later that he wanted to explore with other guys and didn't want a realationship, I did though...So that didn't work out...He was my first...and I will never forget him...He was my first lover...Boyfriend ,sex partner, For the gay guys reading this I did learn one important thing among severl things that I am a top, versitile for the right guy...
So I'm going to start something...I will start a day to day entry (try to) of what i'm up to, my life today...and my thoughts....It will be confuseing for you and me, reading about my past and what is going on today, I want to try and reflect on my past and see how it has afected me in my day to day life now...sort of a look into my past and at the same time a look at today, sort of like two blogs in one and how my past relates to the present....and help some learn from my mistakes.
I'm going to jump into it and start with what I was up to today and a bit about how my health is and how I'm dealing with the side afects of my partying....
So today I had to get up early and go to the Doctor, I have been going every two weeks for months now, about a year ago I got pancreatitis. Its a disease of the pancreas, in my case it is caused from drinking alcohal. And I drank alot. I'd say every three days for the last six years...
There is so much pain from it and I have been in the Hospital five times from it this last year...They tell me that the pain is the same as someone that is dying from cancer....There is one good thing about getting this is that I had to stop drinking or I would die...I didn't learn my lesson at first and was in and out of Hospital. It was so hard when your life revolved around boose,and hey where was I going to go to meet guys, well thats how it started, like I talked about when I came out...But it turned into me being a alchoholic...Well I learned my lesson at the begining of this year after a night of drinking and doing cocain...I woke up and was in so much pain I couldn't move and ended up in the hospital for two weeks and a tube put in my pancreas for four months to drain the systs..its bad I had no idea that this could happen to someone....I just thought I had a hangover the first time I felt the pain but it wasn't and I learned all about the pancreas....I'm proud to say that I think I have beat the drinking, as of October 2002 I stopped, It didn't help haveing this screwed up tube out of my stomach with a leg bag...It was discusting what came out of me...yuk somedays the bag would fill up in minutes....Well I have been going out a few times a month this past two....The doctors tell me that drinking will kill me....But it's so hard to stop something that I've been doing for so long....I have changed so much though I used to go out every night almost and now its onece a month or so...Hey after seven years of gay bars I did good...for five months I stopped everything.....It turns out that I now have what they call cronic pancreatitis....I am On pain meds for it and take about 300 mgs of moripine a day for the pain...and I mean pain....That is why I was at the doctor today..to refill my prescription and believe this, I was shocked a few weeks ago I had a blood test to chek my HIV levels...my counts as it is said in the gay world..my cd4 cells...the lower the count the worse it its....200 means Aids...well I was happy my counts went up from 370 ish to over 480...the best in a year....I was happy because dealing with my pancreas and the tests and operations that I have had and will need is to much to deal with and if my counts get to low...Well I don't want to go into that now....Well i founf out my last test...could something else go wrong? My testosterone level was very low it should be around 29 or so up tp 90ish well mine was 5 something....anyway today I was going to get myself some horemones....I have the bottle in front of me now and tomorrow I'm back to the doctor to get my first injection...I have high hopes for the shots..because I have a few friends who have had these injections and there sex life went from zip to haveing one again....I should say that I was surprised to find out that my testosterone was low....I thought my boring sex life and lack of interest was because I stopped going out to bars and Drinking...Well I will let you all know in the next months what happens with the testosterone therapy...After the Doctor I went to the Barber...the same one I've been going to since I moved here to Toronto....I have a job interview on the 11th and this is funny I have been growing a beard the last few months and wanted the barber to teach me how to trim the dam thing.....So I got home and rememberd that I had a meeting to go to For Pride Toronto, the local group that puts on Pride week and the parade...The bigest one in Canada and one of the best in the World, anyway I had to go to a volunteer meeting,,,so I had to get ready and go,,,nothing much to say about it, they introduced the marshal or the one who leads the parade and had a guest from a group called E.A.G.L.E, its a society type of thing that fights for gay rights and to change the laws, defend people that kind of thing....On the way out I ran into this Guy I met last summer, a sexy guy mmmm, LOL who I went home with three nights in a row...anyway He came up to me and said hi and I could't remember him at first...I was so embaresed, he was saying you don't remember me do you, you don't remember me do you and then left....the thing about it was that I hadn't seen him in the bright lights so I didn't really know what he looked like....I got home and rememberd him and phoned him to say sorry,,I'm glad I had his number because I really liked the guy,,he is in a band and sings, there is something about a bad boy rock and roll guy, and it helped that last time I saw him...he told me that I was good at kissing, something like wow the way you kiss me is dangerous....like that he could really fall for me. And well I didn't tell him but I felt the same way...The last time I saw him I went to a club non gay one, to see him in his band...ouch anyway more to come about this guy, he asked me to call him next week and we will go out, he likes kareokee(my spelling is bad) anyway I hope to see if that testosterone kicks in, I should say its not that I can't get an erection its just that there has been no sex drive....Well thats all for tonight
I hope that who ever is reading this can handle my going on here, like I said I'm not sure what I'm doing here yet, I hope to share my life and help people in my own way, so welcome to my life and be warned its crazy some a most a the time....
Off to bed I have a meeting tomorrow with my probation oficer ( long story )!!!!!! Don't worry though I'm one of the good guys!!!!! I'll give you all a hint though,,,I had a crazy stalker Ex boyfriend and well after two years I threw a glass at him in a bar...hey another time I will tell you all about that!! Its will take hours of typeing.
[4/8/2003 10:45:20 PM
Well where to start... What I hope to do here is share my life..past,what's going on now and my hopes for the future... I really want to let people know what I've been through and educate and help Gay youth to understand what drinking alcohal and useing drugs can do to your life. I'm not going to tell you that drugs and alcohal are wrong! Just what in my life the are.. The fact that I am liveing with HIV and how I'm dealing with it.. I plan on a day to day type of blog...or try to..I can't spell so that's that.. This will be my first atempt at this... Here it goes!! A little about my self, I'm 29 years old..ouch that hurts...I live in Toronto, Ontario Canada. I live in the gay village in down town Toronto..Since I came out at 23 I've lived in a gay village...Vancouver, British Columbia was my first gay world...Long story How I ended up here in Toronto..I'll get into that later for sure..For now lets just say for some reason I've been drawn to them..The village is like its own world..I can say that when I go to other places in the city its like a new word, I feel uncomfortable, strange like an alian in my own city?..My life is so gay it's hard to understand... I'm lost this is probably going to be hard to read or understand..This blog is I think just going to be a long string of thoughts.. As I've said I have HIV and it's very hard to think about..But I really want to tell others how this happened and express my feelings about it.. I don't know who gave it to me..that may sound strange...the one thing I do know that I was in a haze of drugs and boose (alcohal) If I was sober would I have gotten it? Thats a really good question. I think so..Safe sex was not always first on my mind..Its funny becase I remember sex ed class and being told all about safe sex..Not about gay safe sex..But I'm talking about small town Canada here...I'm sure things are differant now, at least I sure the hell hope so...I'm not going to say if I could change things would I because It can't happen...just to give you a time line here..sex ed class for me was in grade 8 so about 13 year ago...Ouch I'm not that old am I? I found out I was HIV positive when I was 26 I'm 29 now...Am I dealing with it..not really..I try not to think about it...dying creeps into my head everytime and I start to get very upset....the fact that I'm going to be killed by it makes me so mad and at the same time feel sorry for my self.. If I only had more self controll or said no to that drink or that line of cocain...is it that easy...I don;t think so but its hard not to think so... You see when I came out at 23 the first thing I did was go to this gay dance party...At the time I lived in a small city in British Columbia..Called Kamloops...the only thing for a young gay male was a semi-monthly gay dance and a weekly coffee thing that was full of old men,,,I like coffee but I didn't want to be around the old men...In fact I thought I would try the coffee meeting thing and went to the church every friday but as I was at the door to go in, I would turn around and run away...It took me months to build up the nerve to go to one of the dances...I was going crazy so I did it...when i got there the first thing I did was get a drink and an other and an other...And that's when it all started...My drinking that is...It's very hard to understand but I can't be close with a man without a drink or two...I'm so pissed of I really wish that I could get over this drinking thing.....What is wrong with me I'm thinking all the time... So it started...that dam door if I could only go out it and walk away and start over...I'm sorry but I'm feeling sorry for my self again here..would I have a long life to look forward to...or would I still have HIV and be fighting to see the point in doing anything....it pains me to evan look into the future and see nothing but death...I remember when I was 23 before I decided to go to that dance and not turn away...the plans I had...what I wanted to do with my life... So my life started...My gay life...I like to think of it as the begining....I don't want you to think that everything was disasterous after I came out.. because it wasn't...It all can't be that bad I'd like to think....In fact that night I met my first lover...if you could call him that...I couldn't belive how I felt...it was like being born again...All those months and years hideing myself.. and to be free and to meet other gay men was one of the best feelings in my life.. Wow this is a lot harder than I thought...thinking of all this again... This is just the start there is so much to tell......